Hi there everyone,
MrsGrump here. I'm in my early 20's and for a while now I've suspected that there is something unusual about the ways in which I socialize.
For the most part I manage to function well in society. I have a very high college degree in English, a supportive family and a small group of close friends. There are, however, some difficulties that I face in day to day life which just doesn't seem to resonate with my friends of the same age.
For starters, I really, really dislike new situations and places. It used to be that when I was somewhere new or in a new situation as a child and teenager I would instantly retreat into myself. This was not typical shyness but rather the feeling that everything was about to go disastrously wrong, that I did not 'fit' there and that people would notice I wasn't like them. As an adult I am much more capable of going to unfamilair places and trying out experiences for the first time but there are still limitations to this.
For example, I have to know where I'm going - usually by seeing pictures of the place, asking questions about it or preferably actually going there before I am expected to meet people there. If I am asked to do a task which I have no experience with then I freeze up entirely. I become immobile and it's like I physically cannot move. Even though my brain will offer me suggestions on how to do the thing, or tell the person that I can't do it, I can't go through with any of it. Only my parents and boyfriend can get me talking or making small movements whilst still in this situation - ordinarily I only become 'normal' again once I have left the place entirely and am back in a familiar environment with things I know how to do.
I can also have trouble reading people's intentions and feelings. In theory I understand it all - I'm a fiction writer - but it can be hard for me to assess people who are in negative moods. I frequently mistake people for being angry or upset when they're not. However, this is offset by my scrutiny of tiny details, which allows me to notice and analyze body language, changes in voice pitch and tone, etc. I do have to work really hard sometimes (to the point of not being able to do anything else) to put myself in other people's shoes during confrontations between myself and them (but this is not the case during regular or happy situations).
I also struggle with really silly things like can openers, public transport and cooking. With practice I can do these things normally, however, they don't come naturally to me as it seems with other people. I like people to explain things explicitly, step by step, with exactly what I need to do. I am incredibly good at following orders - I am gifted in free thinking but only when I am alone. This ability vanishes when I'm around other people.
I really love rules, regulations and lists. I follow them closely.
Talking to people can be hit or miss depending on what mood is dominant at the time. Sometimes I get hyper-active and boisterous and then I do well with meeting groups of people. However, this is a forced persona, and although people's reaction to this is not engative people still give the feedback that I seem very quirky and unique. My natural mindset is very quiet and withdrawn. I'm fine talking to people one-on-one when I feel like this but not more than one person. Generally people say that I'm 'nice', 'approachable' and 'understanding'. However, I always feel like an outsider that is 'different' somehow, except with my parents and boyfriend.
For most of my life I've gotten lost or had anxiety attacks when trying to do new things when nobody I know is there. For this reason my parents took me everywhere even when I was old enough to travel by my own. To this day I have to check in with them and my partner when I go anywhere alone.
I'm incredibly indecisive. I genuinely don't have a preference when it comes to most choices, to the point that I have sat in the same place for an hour, because my friend wouldn't leave until I chose where we were going.
I was a late developer as a child - very bright academically, and adults described me as 'mature', but at the same time I had no grasp of the concept of myself and others. I had no interest in romantic relationships until my late teens and never shared the passion for body image, socializing and reputation that my friends had. It wasn't a conscious preference - I had no concept of these things.
I get burnt out by social interaction easily. I need a few days of alone time to recharge after moderate levels of interaction. I go running frequently and become very upset to the point of crying if someone stops me from going for my run. It's the only time when I feel truly inspired and free. I also harbour a tendency to become very unempathetic when there is too much noise, a very repetitive noise, a crowded room full of people or a group of people actively being mean to me. In these cases I stop caring about what other people think entirely and either try to fight (verbally) or sneak my way out. I really dislike being touched by strangers unless I get along remarkably well with them and I absolutley hate when people touch my wrists or the top of my head. I have always prefered shaking hands to hugging/kissing on the cheek.
I like to play with small objects of different textures such as string or small pieces of silicone. If I don't have anything to play with then I will wring my hands when nervous, thinking hard about something or afraid. I was not aware that I did this until a teacher pointed it out to me. I would only eat specific foods such as pasta and chicken as a child but my diet is a lot more varied now, though I still can't eat certain things like mushroom or lamb.
There's never been any discussion or diagnosis but my whole family treat me as though I'm much younger than my years. My past romantic partners have expressed frustration in the past at things I've struggled with such as meeting their friends or doing new date activities together, and have said that I was being deliberately difficult. They've also expressed surprise at some of the things I've been unable to do or not understood. Thankfully my current partner is very understanding, listens to my needs and helps me to face my difficulties.
Sorry to have written such an essay! It looks bad on paper, but for the most part I think I've adapted quite well to life, and blend in enough for people to not push for any kind of testing. Still, there's definitely something a bit different about me - does it sound to any of you like what you go through?
Thankyou for reading and I hope you've had a good day.
