Published on 12, July, 2020
40, diagnosed at 37, dead end job, verbally abusive living situation, no help from the NHS and the government in terms of therapy for my diagnosis. No help from the council in terms of housing, the only thing keeping me going is my faith, For all intensive purposes I gave up on life 20 years ago. And yeah I have had some amazing experiences like travelling to America by myself, my weekly karaoke sessions, which have often been me on my own, and I get sick of going out on my own.
I had my ray ban sunglasses stolen on Thursday, its not about the sunglasses. I am careless, but it knocks you big time. And I was already feeling depressed as hell. I know I am not alone but I feel like I am the only person experiencing this.
People have said lets meet for a drink or message me or whatever, but they havn't the first idea about autism and neurodivergences, let alone mental health. I can't keep doing this. When will it end.
I am on the waiting list for counselling again, but its not targeted. The NHS only offer meds, to numb you so you don't become a problem to them anymore. I only work part time and would love to go on holiday again, for longer, but yeah, 2 days in Bournemouth is probably the most I will have this year. I don't really earn enough to save. Thankfully I don't have to pay rent, I countribute to household expenses when I can.
I don't even find pleasure in the things I enjoyed anymore, rarely. Honestly, so tired. Yet so thankful. I know things could be a lot worse but I don't feel too guilty for feeling like this
Its like no matter what I do I can't seem to do anything right. I had a regular customer the other day at work come up to me and say I look tired. He came up to me a few weeks earlier and said something didn't look right with me. I feel like going up to him the next time I see him and telling him I have mental health issues, and my mum isn't well either. Dealing with my Dad, at home, shouting, at work, shouting. Having to put on a happy face for the mystery shopper, no support from anyone. I feel so hopeless
I’m sorry. It’s so hard to maintain a ‘face’ of normality on the outside when things are so difficult on the inside. Sometimes it’s hard to see a way out of all the problems, and to maintain any hope. When I feel like this I try to think of anything I might get just a LITTLE enjoyment from (in my case it’s usually going for a walk in nature) and try to do that just to get a little glimmer of something positive and enjoyable back into my mind. And I just hope that things will ease soon, and try to remember that I’ve felt like this before and things have eventually improved a little. The problem with depression is that it can feel so overwhelming and it’s hard to find ways to give you that belief that your sense of happiness and joy can ever return. In my experience these things never last forever - even though feel like they will at the time. im sorry - I’m not being much use probably because I’m feeling very depressed myself at the moment! It’s not any fun is it? I hope things improve for you soon.