Published on 12, July, 2020
Good morning all
I am desperate, My Son James is 14 and was diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's last year. I have struggled to get James into school. He is currently in year 9. We are a single parent family as my husband passed away 12 years ago and it is just me, James and his older sister. I sometimes manage to get him into school but over the last year, he has been 95 per cent absent. The school have put alot in place for him and he has hall passes, late pass, time out pass and places to go if he is overwhelmed. but James in school, is ok. He likes his friends and once i get him into school, he is ok. The issue is getting him out to school in the morning. I have tried absolutely everything from strong routines, rewards and consequences for non attendance. I now have the school threatening me with fines or worse, prosecution unless this changes. We have been referred to CAHMS and i am also seeking another assessment for the Austim privately which is funded as part of my employment.
When you question James on anything school related, ask him to explain what is stopping him from getting to school, the answer is always the same " I don't know, i will go in tomorrow". He promises the earth to go in and then the same thing happens again in the morning. I have called the doctors, social services and the education department at the council for help and all i get is there is nothing they can do....
My Stress levels are through the roof. The pending action is not helping and will not help the situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hello NAS93317,
I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a difficult time getting your son to school consistently. Please visit our online advice and guidance which explains more about getting extra help in school, assessments, education plans, reviews and school transport.
Extra help at school in Wales
Extra help at school in Scotland
Extra help at school in Northern Ireland
Extra help at school in England
If you require further support, you may like to contact the following organisations:
Wales
Scotland
Northern Ireland
The Children’s Law Centre provides a free legal advice service and legal representation for children and young people.
The NI Commissioner for Children and Young People (NICCY) and their work is focused on making sure children and young people have access to their rights in their day-to-day lives, so they have the best opportunity to reach their full potential.
England
If you need support with an appeal against a decision about a child or young person’s educational needs, your local tribunal administration may also be able to help:
First-tier Tribunal (special educational needs and disability) in England
Special Educational Needs Tribunal for Wales
Special Educational Needs and Disability Tribunal (Northern Ireland)
First Tier Tribunal for Scotland Health and Education Chamber
All the best,
ChloeMod
First off, you are not on your own.
My daughter is neurodiv (like me) and 13 (not like me). She's spent 2 painful years at school, she has had her wonderful golden spirit reduced and sullied to a point she was almost unrecognisable. Because she's probably ASD, like all us she misses the social ques and instinctive ways in which people talk to each other and form relationships, as a result she is always the odd one out and therefore will become a target.
The school have done a fair job in trying to help. But for me it's like being dropped into the middle of the ocean and a swimming instructor doing a "fair job" shouting instructions at you from a rubber dinghy. No matter how polite, innovative or resourceful they are with their language, it's not going to make you any more buoyant or able to stop drowning.
So 3 weeks ago just before half term we made the decision to home school.
Yesterday, she popped her head around our bedroom door and said "I just wanted to say, I'm so happy now, I think they future's going to be ok" - it made me glow.
I was really worried that she was going to suffer, because she wouldn't be around people, she wouldn't have a "normal" school experience, I didn't know HOW but I was sure she was going to miss out someway, that allowing her to home school was going to result in something bad.
I was wrong. For her it's been amazing.
Each day revolves around, taking the dog for a walk, English or maths (download materials online), Languages (Duolingo app), learning important lifeskills (Housekeeping, Laundry, Gardening, a bit of DIY) and looking at working on her passion for art and design. We are going to be building her portfolio up for if she wants to go to college/uni.
Each exam she wants to take can be done privately at the local college - £150 per exam, expensive, but not the end of the world.
As for Social? Well, at the moment she is at our local library after catching the bus on her own (another skill learnt) taking part in the Home Schoolers Dungeons and Dragons club.
I understand this is a major decision to make, especially because some weirdo you've never met on an online discussion board suggested it. But the change in my beautiful daughter was incredible, and it's so easy to do - Me, My wife and my daughter have ZERO regrets.
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. We are a two parent family and getting into school has caused a huge amount of stress meaning I feel on edge a lot of the time but can't imagine how hard it would be on your own.
My son is now in his final year and has at last managed to get there every day. The thing that has worked for him is that one or two of his mates call for him, mainly messaging him first. This seems to stop the period of thinking about going in. We live just around the corner from school, so not sure if this is something that would work for your son. I think it is the fact he has someone to enter with. I totally understand this as I struggle with going in busy places alone.
This is a tough one. I am appalled that the school are threatening you. This happens far too often to parents who are trying their best without proper supports and in the face of tremendous challenge. Applying the "stick" to the parents is only going to make things worse and it makes me cross.
I'm at a loss though as to why you need another Autism assessment. Asperger's is a diagnosis not now normally given as it IS Autism. I'd have thought the first assessment was sufficient, rather than put him through it again.
As for getting him to school, there could be any number of factors here; from the executive strain of getting himself up and organised in the morning to a latent social anxiety (even though he seems fine once he's there). You might also want to probe how they are teaching him. Hall passes and all that are all very important but ADHDers can be very kinaesthetic learners, they can need a lot of movement to to process the incoming information and the class room requirements of sit down, hand up wait your turn to speak, stay in your chair and don't fidget might be all a bit much of a strain and causing him to need the Hall pass in the first place. What, if any adaptations are they making to the classroom environment for him? What training do his teaching staff have in ADHD?
Has he had a proper SEND assessment? I am sure there will be people here you have better experience of the SEND and school systems than I do. I hope they contribute for you as it sounds like you need some input from someone who knows the processes best. It might be worth talking to the SEN and admissions teams at the council. It maybe that this school simply can't meet need.