Dating a guy with an autistic son

Its really good that you’re educating yourself about autism.

I hope that his sons anxiety improves soon.

Its natural to want your significant other to pay you attention. Hopefully you can spend more time together again soon.

Well I wouldn’t be too-liberal with advice that he doesn’t ask for, but that doesn’t mean you cannot talk to him about autism, you can talk about what interests you just try to be mindful of talking at him..:)

Ask him if he is open to a coversation about it - that will cover your bases.

Bear in mind that with autism being mostly genetic, he may be autistic himself so he may not want to know or talk about him in that context.

Do you think it's good to talk to him about things I learned during my research on the autism subject? about my findings on different therapies for children etc? Or should I talk about everything BUT this?

NAS88803 said:

I like attention and focus on me... but it's a side effect of being the only child , still...sometimes...even at my age;) 

There is nothing wrong with that - your caring attitude shows you are worthy of it.

I guess it will just take a little patience.

Hi,

Thank you!

I'm educating myself on autism. I've done my own research, just to understand it better.  I don't want to be ignorant. 

This is a new situation for me. I'm 40 and never been in a relation like this one before. I've dated guys with kids from previous relations before, but not with kids with special needs, that's why I'm researching on the subject. I want to understand autism more.

Yea, it's tough, but I know he cares about me, too. I'm just struggling with how often we see each other at the moment, but I guess it's because I'm used to something different... I like attention and focus on me... but it's a side effect of being the only child , still...sometimes...even at my age;) 

You are right thst some kind of clarity is needed here. I just can't wait for things to get better. Fir everyone. 

We were supposed to meet 2 weeks ago, but he had to stay the whole weekend with his son, even though he wasn't planning that.

Similar situation this weekend. He went there for a weekend, but it looks like he's staying there for a week or so.

I know his boy is struggling at the moment, and it's a stressful time for him... 

It's all great when he's not there. When he's there, our contact is limited because he's focusing on his boy. I hope it will improve soon. We both hope.

Hiya,

Firstly, great that you’ve started dating an amazing guy.

Does it matter how disabled the boy is by his autism?

The increase in him visiting his son, and less time available to see you sounds tough. Regardless of the reason, it is difficult when we can not see our significant other as much. Where is he staying when he visits his son for a few days?

It is understandable that his son’s anxiety has increased after moving school. We often struggle with transitions, and add to that the social pressures and sensory input in a new school, I imagine it is a difficult time for the son. 

Its important to be understanding of his son’s needs, and of course he is your guy’s main priority. BUT, you are human and have needs in a relationship, and not being able to see your guy for long periods of time does not feel good. Perhaps you need some clarity, some identification of time set aside that he will spend with you? Are you able to video chat etc on the days when you can not see him to help maintain the closeness?

NAS88803 said:

It's hard not to see him 1 per month, or less...

I thought it was only a few days every 2 weeks at the moment? If it is weekends then can you do more mid-week dating?

Maybe ask if you can go with him and spend a few days to lengthen his trip and see some stuff locally like on a holiday.

Just trying to problem solve here - apologies if I'm being nosey.

Thank you. 

By the way, no doubts about him and the ex. 

Every day I'm reassuring him that he can count on me.

That's all I can do, right?

That limited (sometimes) contact is hard, but I know it's only temporary. I know he needs to be there for his son. I wish I could do something more...

I'm trying to do my best...

I'm struggling sometimes, tho.

It's hard not to see him 1 per month, or less...

What DeSpereaux said.

Ask how you can help and be there for him is what he will need - he should appreciate it.

Once the current situation is over he should see you in a new (positive) light where you gave him the space to do what he had to do and were supportive in ways he needed.

If you have doubts about what he is up to with his ex then a straightforward question  such as "with you spending so much time with your ex, do I have anything to worry about?" will give a pretty good clue from the response if he is deflecting or nervous versus laughing it off or being serious about there being nothing to worry about.

He is lucky to have you

www.nhs.uk/.../

I’d say listen when he wants to talk..

Reassure him when he asks..

Distract him when the moment seems appropriate..

And be yourself, be honest, and ask him to do the above when you need it.. if it can work it will work..:)

Thank you for that. Any useful links for me to read?

Somewhere around 90% of autistic adults report experiencing debilitating levels of anxiety. Change, like starting at a new school and social pressures, like lots of new people when starting at a new school, are major anxiety triggers for autistic people. Reading up on autism in general, and anxiety in autism would be a useful thing to do. That way you can empathise with the problems your significant other and his son are dealing with.