Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
I have a daughter of 13. She started her periods at 9 years old Which she has managed incredibly well. Mainly due to the fact that sanitary pads come in coloured envelopes I think and she enjoys choosing the ‘pad of the moment’.
her behaviour has been sporadically aggressive over the years, mainly towards me (her Mum), other family members rarely and sometimes at school. Mainly since the change in her body and her hitting puberty. She is now taking 5ml Fluoxetine.. which has really helped with her behaviour. She has historically bitten her wrist from an early age. When she is upset she does it harder until it bleeds sometimes. I’d like to ask if any other parents have this sort of experience with teenage children and how they manage it or if there are any tools I can use. Daisy understands where she is going and what is happening and gets to be part of the decision process where possible but I’ve really noticed over the last couple months a difference down to her adolescence which any teenager would experience but without her being able to ver alise it, it makes it really difficult to read the signs and support her. May I also add that she has a REALLY strong character.
last week there was an incident where she wanted to go into a toy shop and I wanted to go into the supermarket which ended in her banging her head on shop glass, the floor of the street, biting herself and trying to attack me.. ending in her going into said shop where she calmed down and was given a toy by the owners. I realis I’mrambling but my questions are:
I think it’s really important to look at what is happening with her hormones primarily .. surely this must majorly influence her behaviour? Any advice anyone please?
How do you deal with this aggression? how do you approach the subject later?how are we able as parents o put down boundaries? I do not believe it’s right that her expectation is she is bought something every time we go out for instance.
Any advice and help would be hugely appreciated. Thank you so much!!!
Jackie
As a parent (and being a parent), I might rephrase my questions:
NAS88280 said:How do you deal with this aggression? how do you approach the subject later?how are we able as parents o put down boundaries? I do not believe it’s right that her expectation is she is bought something every time we go out for instance.
What is sending her into Survival Mode? What is she responding to?
How can I help her desire wisdom and better ways to take control of her world around her?
How can I teach her to feel protected and to afford a graciousness to others? How can I help her escape when the dynamic of the situation is overwhelming her?
How can I prepare her for going out to run necessary errands and stick to the plan? How can I help her feel purposeful and useful? Are there situations where it's best she's left at home to have introverted downtime to regroup?
Let me explain further. It's important to understand Hyper-Sensory Perception (Bayesian Theory) and Monotropism. Their strengths and limits.
From a great deal of being connected to forums, sites and hundreds of others, the consensus is almost all autistics are impacted by Sensory-Perception (internal and external) to a greater intensity. The kind most who are not autistic would find themselves curled up in a post trauma survival state. In fact, there's a rumour out there that the Non-autistic brain can tap into and have a Real-Time shared experience with mushrooms that activate the part of the brain most autistics are using to make sense of the world. Think of it like a Left brain / Right brain difference. I've spoken with individuals who have undergone supervised micro-doses and have said, it's healing and amazing, but they felt they'd go 'mad' if life was this real all the time.
Next, let's add inhibition / regulation. Most of us by 50, can think through a situation with a bit of wisdom, appropriating ethics and perform the kind actions which we are conscious of being social etiquette as a genuine desire to connect with others. We can make the effort and choose the selfless action consciously. This takes years to: 1. Recognise how I'm being impacted. 2. Not compound the internal struggle by being judgemental, but 3. having learned to go to a thesaurus, piece together the word which is approbate to the feeling, 4. Use theatre techniques and yoga techniques to breathe through and approve of the feelings, after all they're just nuanced daily intensities 5. Get it out of my system in a safe and controlled way. 6. Troubleshoot and address the physics or the psychology behind the impact. 7. Create appropriate boundaries or fix the problem (VOCs, an electrical buzzing in the wall that's daily irritating, a relationship with someone who is toxic for me - maybe great for someone else, prioritise an ever growing to-do list, and so on).
That ^^ is how we thrive. A little Spinoza, Kant, Deleuze, a good deal of physics, integrating the self, expanding my knowledge of classical literature and linguistics and so on. It's conscious intention. It may sound overwhelming but Autistic being can have the capacity to intense and extraordinary measures and maybe just because our boundaries are always crossed and our way of being continually misrepresented. I've simply re-focused it into solutions thinking: the Library, the classics, and so on. When I have not been allowed to assert these boundaries, it will go wrong.
On a good day, an autistic experience where a thing is beyond my control, My intensities and anger will be right there at the front of my mind screaming at me. I'll speak out loud and walk through them. But I've needed proper mentorship. I've needed to understand how to excuse myself from Social situations when I can actually notice there is something off with my balance.
After I left an 8 year relationship which wasn't good for me it may have been fine for someone else, I noticed that time of the month was a walk in the park - suddenly, I wasn't unable to cope . And what had changed was a great of ongoing stress, built up and overwhelming my ability to manage or focus or grow!
Now, add a few unresolved issues and they WILL be heightened when these hormonal surges are knocking my inhibitions off balance. Because I'm already sensing the world as too real. The combination of the Monotropic Brain + Hyper-Sensory (or an inability to dull the senses the same as our peers) means that we are biologically impacted to a greater intensity by life. Unresolved matters, and Interruptions in a natural flow-state, which younger kids might simply always exist in, those 2 things will be the death of me - if not minded. The world currently does not allow days and weeks of uninterrupted focus. It should, as this is how Autistic and ADHD inertia have brought about new possibilities with technology and science. We've always existed, the current state of Modern life with it's smash-cut edits to adverts, and constant interruptions which some personalities love, is not normal, it just appears to be this way.
The main point here is one cannot look on the surface and say, this is all there is. Freud likened Psychotherapy to Archeology. What is on the surface is a consequence of something else. It is simply a marker, something more is going on below the surface which I cannot see. To every action there is reaction. Find that action & make the change there and the desired behaviour should follow. But remember, anger is the appropriate response to being violated.
Also, just mum to mum, anti-depressants do something completely different than anti-anxiety mediation, targeting a different part of ones biology and for most (not all) of us it does more harm than good - in fact, I would speak with her GP about having on hand the smallest dose of anti-anxiety medication, which is not something to take daily but on the occasion she cannot sleep from a mind unable to shut down or when excessive overwhelmed and you have yet to work out what is causing the problem (LEDs, a perfume, wearing polyester, which is petroleum, a cruel 'friend'). Our biology is different, and this will be old news in about 10 years, but the cutting edge of science is starting to show these differences.
If you'd like to try something natural, I'd suggest nootropics - an immune boosting compound of healthy mushrooms which boost GABA. Something with Lion's Mane. I discovered these when I was 26 and wish I'd had them when younger - my focus is a million times better and it's fixed serious gut health problems, as a natural GABA booster, and this is the gut-brain axis.
With SSRIs you need to be careful she doesn't have low-blood pressure. Regardless magnesium and minerals will help. I have high pH bottled water I supplement with daily as well. In fact, no one had told me a low heart rate and low blood pressure would give me Anxiety Symptoms of breathlessness and shaking. I worked it out one day I went in for a check up and they said it was dangerously low. Have an orange. High mineral and sodium content water has changed this.
In a pinch anything with extra salt (crisps, olives, salted nuts, or just a pinch of salt) brings my balance back to Normal. We need natural sugar for the brain. We need the right Salt balance (we're all different).
Morming. Thank you for your comments. She has a specific pediatric psychologist specifically working with Autism. The fluoxetine has been prescribed by him and has really helped her. I also carry something else for anxiety for specific moments. I have just spoken to her pediatrician regarding a blood test to look at her hormone levels and then we can move forward seeing what is actually going on with her hormone levels etc.
her blood pressure is fine.
Regarding diet and interestingly she does not have a sweet tooth .. loves feta, salty black olives etc .. an adolescent body is very different from a child’s and I’m interested to see what’s going on with her hormones.
Many thanks for your comments.