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Help! Housework clash between me (autistic) and husband (ADHD)

Piki86

I need help! I'm an adult female with autism, and my husband and I are convinced he has ADHD, although he has not been diagnosed yet.

I need a tidy, uncluttered home to feel relaxed, which is particularly important because I work from home, but my husband leaves everything out, open, or where he finished using it. He will sometimes get into a tidying mood when things have become too much (or on the rare occasion he needs to work from home, in which case he can't focus until the house is tidy, so you'd think he'd understand), but he struggles to keep up with it day to day. His excuse is he doesn't realise he's doing it, he's already thinking about the next thing while he's getting his breakfast ready for instance, so he doesn't think about putting the lid back, putting things away or closing the cupboard door. He's not choosing not to do it, he says he's already thinking about something else.

His excuse is basically that he can't help it, so that's just how it is. And I'm struggling because I feel like I'm constantly picking up after him and if I didn't (which he has suggested in the past), I just feel really anxious and on edge because of the mess and clutter. Having a massive tidy up occasionally doesn't work for me, I need to do it as I go so it doesn't get overwhelming. Because it will get to a point when it's so cluttered that I can't even face starting to tidy up.

So instead of having a go at him, which isn't helping anything, I'm hoping to find advice on how to help someone with ADHD focus on the task they're doing, before going to the next, if that's even possible. Or any way to help with the situation. He's not bothered but it's triggering me and I would like this to change.

I realise this is a fairly common issue in neurotypical households as well, but even my feeling of "I'm doing everything" aside, I think because of my autism it's causing me more stress than it should.

Any advice?

Thanks!

  • This sounds familiar ! I'm diagnosed ADS, and my wife is as undiagnosed and unwilling to be diagnosed as it comes to ADHD (and curently unwilling to understand or accept my official diagnosis - so there we go with that dynamic...)
     
    Since I've ever known her I had a nickname for her of "half a job" because she'd always just do whatever it was she needed doing on a task, and then that would be that.

    Bottom line - get a cleaner if you can afford it, or schedule time where you both agree to put stuff away, and give plenty of warning when you end up setting about this task on your own - because otherwise you'll be "moving stuff randomly" and that can be unsettling for them.

    You probably already know where everything belongs and are a "putter" not a "leaver" - but in simple terms - you need to agree or make sure that everything has a place - even if it's a "this is his pile of *stuff* place" you can then just lump it there and that's their safe zone for their mess.

    I have a certain tolerance for mess as long as it's where it is - and after a certain time will just sort it all out and put things away. The four years it took to get through the hoarding of our kids nursery clothes, and the double, triple checking through that there was nothing important in the double checked boxes was next level stuff, and yes I did have to wait - even after it was checked twice - until she was away from the house in order to be able to load the car and take it to the charity/recycling shop - but that's a whole different ball game.

    Have and agree what is expected - clear work surfaces in the kitchen for preparation, washing up piles etc - set standards, agree to them, and then hold yourselves to those standards. Having the agreement in place will put it up his priority list of things that need doing before he mentally moves on to the next thing of interest.

    You will have a lot of "I thought we agreed that this goes here..." conversations - try to work out more gentle and fun ways to lovingly tease and remind him, or indeed suggest potential rewards for him when or if he sorts things out - you can make it fun, you can make it a game, you can make it a loving activity, and you can gently get on with sorting it out yourself too and give yourself permission to allow for it.

    So set the boundaries, the standards and expectations
    Use it as a tease and gentle reminding - nicely and supportively, and as a request for help
    Get a cleaner

    (I struggle with the nice loving communication bit because of my black and white factful "WHAT IS THIS DOING HERE?" type of neurodiverse communication style - which I'm desperately working on - but there is a way to live and communicate these daily challenges in a positive and effective way).

    also I would not recommend the nickname "half a job".

    Good luck !

  • Both our Neurotypes thrive when we reinforce the rule of doing a thing One-Thing-at-A-Time to completion.

    A quick solution would be to Write it down or print it out and post it everywhere in large letters: 

    Hello Gorgeous! Finish what you started, then move on to the next! 

    OR

    One-Thing-at-A-Time :) 

    Attach phrases to several clipboards and hang them around the house for a year. 

    Allow each a space or room for being themselves if possible. And keep common areas manageable. 

    An alternate idea, if you have enough money is to buy 2 flats next to each other and just have sleepovers.LOL

  • I like things fairly tidy both so I know where things are and so my brain doesn't feel busy. I have come to a decision to assist with tidying where needed and ignoring other areas. I ensure that there are areas that are not busy so I can relax there.

    Hope that might help.

  • It is possible for ADHDers to become more tidy if they want to, just difficult, and they need systems suitable for them. Youtube channels How to ADHD and Clutterbug both have some advice which could be useful, both those youtubers have ADHD.

    You might have to live with some reminders around! The fact that he does prefer it tidy when he is working is a good starting point, at least he has a way in to understand you.

    I am self diagnosed with both, but I seem very much more on the ADHD side with regard tidying, or the lack of it! I don't feel enough of a need for things to be tidy, more that I struggle to get rid of things, and need things to be visible or they don't exist. And I have no energy for the mammoth task of deciding, plus maybe not liking change, so things gradually build up and I have lost that ADHD ability to blitz it even as my energy levels are rock bottom. This is a huge problem for my husband who is more like you in wanting things tidy, but I just can't do it, or let him do it. Eeek!

    I hope you find a good solution for you both.