Help! Housework clash between me (autistic) and husband (ADHD)

I need help! I'm an adult female with autism, and my husband and I are convinced he has ADHD, although he has not been diagnosed yet.

I need a tidy, uncluttered home to feel relaxed, which is particularly important because I work from home, but my husband leaves everything out, open, or where he finished using it. He will sometimes get into a tidying mood when things have become too much (or on the rare occasion he needs to work from home, in which case he can't focus until the house is tidy, so you'd think he'd understand), but he struggles to keep up with it day to day. His excuse is he doesn't realise he's doing it, he's already thinking about the next thing while he's getting his breakfast ready for instance, so he doesn't think about putting the lid back, putting things away or closing the cupboard door. He's not choosing not to do it, he says he's already thinking about something else.

His excuse is basically that he can't help it, so that's just how it is. And I'm struggling because I feel like I'm constantly picking up after him and if I didn't (which he has suggested in the past), I just feel really anxious and on edge because of the mess and clutter. Having a massive tidy up occasionally doesn't work for me, I need to do it as I go so it doesn't get overwhelming. Because it will get to a point when it's so cluttered that I can't even face starting to tidy up.

So instead of having a go at him, which isn't helping anything, I'm hoping to find advice on how to help someone with ADHD focus on the task they're doing, before going to the next, if that's even possible. Or any way to help with the situation. He's not bothered but it's triggering me and I would like this to change.

I realise this is a fairly common issue in neurotypical households as well, but even my feeling of "I'm doing everything" aside, I think because of my autism it's causing me more stress than it should.

Any advice?

Thanks!

Parents
  • It is possible for ADHDers to become more tidy if they want to, just difficult, and they need systems suitable for them. Youtube channels How to ADHD and Clutterbug both have some advice which could be useful, both those youtubers have ADHD.

    You might have to live with some reminders around! The fact that he does prefer it tidy when he is working is a good starting point, at least he has a way in to understand you.

    I am self diagnosed with both, but I seem very much more on the ADHD side with regard tidying, or the lack of it! I don't feel enough of a need for things to be tidy, more that I struggle to get rid of things, and need things to be visible or they don't exist. And I have no energy for the mammoth task of deciding, plus maybe not liking change, so things gradually build up and I have lost that ADHD ability to blitz it even as my energy levels are rock bottom. This is a huge problem for my husband who is more like you in wanting things tidy, but I just can't do it, or let him do it. Eeek!

    I hope you find a good solution for you both.

Reply
  • It is possible for ADHDers to become more tidy if they want to, just difficult, and they need systems suitable for them. Youtube channels How to ADHD and Clutterbug both have some advice which could be useful, both those youtubers have ADHD.

    You might have to live with some reminders around! The fact that he does prefer it tidy when he is working is a good starting point, at least he has a way in to understand you.

    I am self diagnosed with both, but I seem very much more on the ADHD side with regard tidying, or the lack of it! I don't feel enough of a need for things to be tidy, more that I struggle to get rid of things, and need things to be visible or they don't exist. And I have no energy for the mammoth task of deciding, plus maybe not liking change, so things gradually build up and I have lost that ADHD ability to blitz it even as my energy levels are rock bottom. This is a huge problem for my husband who is more like you in wanting things tidy, but I just can't do it, or let him do it. Eeek!

    I hope you find a good solution for you both.

Children
No Data