Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm really hoping someone has some cool ideas to help me.
I've known my son was on the spectrum since he was seven, although he was only officially diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 18. He and I have worked together over the years tackling each challenge as they came along (and there's been lots). He's now coming up for 21 and has developed coping mechanisms for most things. To the point where he's happy has a great friendship group and is hopefully off to Uni in September to study his obsession - Marine Biology
But we have one big thing we just can't seem to crack and that is eating! He likes food and is an AMAZING cook. He's gone from eating only pasta as a child to cooking and eating a whole range of foods. Albeit everything has to be prepared to his exacting standards (which is totally fine). He has no problems with the food itself, doesn't care what he looks like and doesn't use it as a method of control.
The problem is he doesn't feel hunger so unless he prompted or has people to cook for he won't eat. It has come to the stage where he is 6ft 5 and weighs only 10 stone! Last month he passed out and fell through a wall. If he gets ill he stops eating completely which means he takes ages to get better.
I am at my wits end and he's now really worried about what will happen when he goes to Uni. I remind him to eat so much it drives us both crazy. He sets alarms but just switches them off or continuously presses snooze. If food is given to him he gets distracted and ends up just forgetting it's there. The only sure fire way to get him to eat is if he cooks a meal we all sit at the table and someone continues to sit with him so he doesn't get distracted and walk off forgetting he's sitting at the table to eat. This could easily be 2 hours though. By which time he's really upset, the person with him is fed up. He's also an adult and this is like treating him like a child, when he is a very clever and capable young man.
He knows he should be eating, it upsets him as much as me that he doesn't. After 20 years of using every trick I can think of to get him to eat I'm all out of ideas and what I say doesn't go in anymore.
Has anyone got any suggestions? At this stage I'll try anything to get him into an eating routine.
Thank you so much, Emma
I have this issue! It hasn't gotten quite as bad but there have been very scary moments where I lose a lot of weight quickly because of forgetting and it can take me a while to build it back up.
The first thing that helps me stay on track is that my family has and has always had communal dinners every night. We swap who cooks between me and my parents and periodically my younger brothers (cook doesn't clear up, it's a great motivator for them) Because of this there is literally no way I can avoid eating in the evening while at home. Like your son I am going to uni soon and am quite worried about how that will work but I've ended up with a college that has a minimum dining requirement so I have to spend two evenings a week eating communally anyway,
My other main saving point is that I love cooking. It could easily be a special interest with the amount of time I spend cooking, watching cooking instructions and shows and reading recipes but I try not to look at it that closely. Because of this, I often end up eating because I have cooked. For instance, when my family went away, leaving me truly home alone for two nights for the first time ever, the first day I completely floundered. Didn't eat, didn't drink, forgot every basic necessity. So the second day I decided to make ravioli. It's not a dish you want to cook for more than two people, so I'd never tackled it while everyone was at home, but as I was alone I had the time to do the fiddly stuff and that meant I ate a proper lunch. And then I made risotto for supper so then it was a proper supper too.
Things I could suggest that you haven't mentioned but I'm sure you've tried.
- Snacks just there. When I know I'm going to get absorbed in a project, which is pretty much when I do anything, I take crackers and fruit with me, I grew up reading with breakfast so I'm well accustomed to distracting myself while eating and in fact I don't really like just eating, I have to be doing something at the same time. That way when an alarm goes, particularly if the food is closer than the alarm, it's easier to get started and you don't have to leave the room.
- I've no idea what your sons emotions around cooking are, but new recipes that fit my requirements are always a good way to get me eating. I spend a lot of time on bbc good food looking for my next technical challenge, I'm a lot less good away from a recipe though.
- I have what I call 'light foods' which are foods I can eat when I'm so not hungry that I actively don't want to eat anything, require very little effort to get or prepare, and while not very nutritious in themselves often trigger me to be able to eat other things. For me these are marshmallows, popcorn, rice cakes and frozen peas.
As I said, I'm sure you've tried some if not all of these. I hope your son finds ways around this pretty irritating bit of lack of hunger cues and that he enjoys university. I'm sure others on this site may have other suggestions.