Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

Not a weekly update on the course - more of a cathartic rant. 

I'm struggling.

I'm finding I'm getting a mental block when it comes to responding on the forum which means I'm under stress. It's the works project. I'm under the cosh to meet some arbitrary deadline for which someone has pulled out their backside on a project that I'd invested two years of my time to get off the ground. The turnaround is a couple of months - a far more aggressive timescale for other projects of this type and which was dropped on me without reason or rationale before they moved in other people to oversee it. 

It came to a head yesterday. Everyone praising me about some output I'd pulled together - at short notice - again! All I can think was is that I could take no pride in it, because I'd had to rush the job and watching others (senior leads) casually have conversations about something I've invested so much time in (trying to get the sponsorship) and assuming things will land in this silly turnaround just because they want it. No discussion with me as to what I need to make this work better -and I'm doing all the hard work at the back end. 

Perfectionist tendency? Maybe. But I've seen so much bad decision making and output that "passes" for informative data I know some of them have absolutely no idea of what makes an effective output. And then I start to doubt myself as to whether my standards of what is worthy output is realistic -and then the circular reasoning starts. 

I can't wait for it to be over. This happens every time I get involved in stuff like this - I get disappointed by shockingly poor communication, unrealistic expectations in delivery timescales, lack of understanding about the area they're supposed to be leading and how I'm left off balance most of the time. Yesterday, not an update on progress - apparently - but an early indicator of recommendations. So all the work of prepping a comprehensive update with the idea that would keep them off my back for a bit - gone to waste because it was all skipped over. 

I want an extension. I'm not going to get it. And people are asking for decisions from me about other things - which frankly are above my pay grade - and it leaves me wondering just what the hell are they are getting paid for?

Someone told me about a possible promotion opportunity. I told them I felt I couldn't do it because I find the working practices and the greater emphasis on social/relational skills at that level too difficult to handle. With that admission came an overwhelming feeling of failure and a real sense, for the first time, not that I've found things "a bit difficult", but that I am disabled and how that has permeated every aspect of my life. In this moment, I don't feel "neurodiverse" - I feel totally disadvantaged when it comes to navigating the workplace. What's worse is that much of the time is spent unpicking the mess from dire decision-making which leaves no room for self-development. Data analysis, visualization is what I'm interested in, but there's no room to develop those skills (or learning from others) in my current role. - despite me demonstrating what can be done if given the time. I'm frustrated because of all this - I'd like to say "it's just me". But it isn't. The social deficiency (It's early - I can't pick the right words) I can almost tolerate if the work gives me the opportunity to develop and build skills. But it doesn't. It's just a constant churn out of stuff - which, because it is rushed, in my eyes is mediocre. 

I can't take pride in things that are overly rushed. And that sense of feeling out of control. That's why I'm unhappy. I've met silly deadlines before but never one where I feel the quality is compromised as much as this - and people are happy with it!!!??!??! I'm under the impression that people will just accept whatever I put in front of them - if that's the case, then what's the point of making the effort.

I had a little weep this morning around 5am. Then I tried to do some "making room for emotions" which worked but I keep stumbling back to the why and everything starts up again. I realise that the times I've been happiest are those times where I've as little contact with people as possible and I'm able to structure my own day. Lockdown, before working from home became a thing, I had "arrived". I was in that comfortable place - because I had a routine, I could manage the information I was exposed to, I had time to invest in things I was interested in.I enjoyed the things I did. Now I find I can barely plan for it. I'm too tired at the end of the day. I'm barely managing to eat regularly as it is - I am, but only just. It's still home cooked stuff, it's still healthy but I'm finding it hard to keep it up. 

I'm tired. That fuzzy ache which goes from the top of my head down to my jaw, that uncomfortable sensation of something like a balloon being inflated in the middle of my head and the sense of disconnection (my body feels like a separate thing I'm just occupying) is back. I'm tired of wrestling with this when things get pressured at work - then I resent not having the support earlier in my life to address these issues (despite my screaming for it). A lot of this is because of how I feel at the moment - I'm much more appreciative and forgiving if things are going my way.  At the moment my working life (and I'm damned fortunate to have a job) is leaving me miserable. Or it may be my expectations need to change, and that I need to accept that somewhere - along the way - I've made decisions that, whether the reasons were conscious or not, that has led me to where I am now. - and there's no saying that if I was somewhere else it would be anything different. But in moments like this I really don't feel fit for the workplace - and I hate that vulnerability. I feel.... a failure. Again. And I'm feeling really prickly, like the smallest thing could cause me to get real snappy. 

And this is the problem - I'm looking for a solution and right now there probably isn't one. I just need to see it through. But I can't see a way ahead. And there it is again... self-doubt. Is this just a "reaction" because of stress - or is this uncovering how I really feel because the chips are down? I can't untangle my internal world - and part of the reason is that I still lack the awareness and vocabulary to do so.

It's not just that organisations are chaotic...... I am. Right now I can't make sense of what I'm feeling! And if can't understand it - I don't want to sit with it. 

All the stuff I've been reading on uncertainty, on managing emotions. I seem to think I should be managing this more consciously and a lot better. It's harder to "tune in", talk myself round, use strategies - I think this is why I'm writing. To get some sense of getting back in a place where I have some sense of self-regulation. Up to now it feels like work, sleep, eat, sleep, work and a quick game or a couple of chapters of a book when I'm conscious and not working. 

I slip into this all too easily. I have this idea of how I will consciously manage myself better and then something will knock me off kilter which will sit with me for weeks. That dropping of a deadline out of the blue - and my frustrated reaction in a meeting - I never really recovered from that. 

When that deadline dropped that was the point at which I felt devalued and lost interest in this whole thing. I think I can cope better if there's a sense of fair play. If I feel there isn't then I just don't know how to. The way the deadline dropped, happened after I'd disclosed my diagnosis and made it clear as to what I needed to function better.

That hurt. I took that really personally. I almost questioned the point of having the assessment and being open about my diagnosis. 

Somehow I expected things to be easier. But I'm finding them more frustrating. I don't know if being open about my diagnosis has been in my best interest - it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. 

On Brackett's "mood meter" I'd rate myself somewhere between tense and frustrated on a scale of 7.5-8 out of 10. Apparently my fitband says my stress levels are moderate. I don't believe the tech-  I think it's just making stuff up. 

The start of the day sure comes round quick. Breakfast and then back to it 

You're in exactly the same place I was - underpaid, undervalued and sh1t on all the time - capable of so much more - but the only path they want for you is precisely the one that you specifically don't want.   The route to instant burn-out & meltdown.

The job you do want never seems to have vacancies because 'the right people' are magically slid into them before it can be offered to anyone else..

You have reached 'max career' in the place you're in.      You have 2 choices - rewire your brain to be able to just turn up & take the money (but I doubt you can do that) or look for something external.. 

Both choices will cause a massive amount of stress - the unknown and the mundane.    I've often felt like a Lion surrounded by ants.    Enough ants can defeat you.

Another route is to cash everything up and become a shepherd on an island somewhere.    Lots of time to yourself.  

The weirdest thing is - is that after my rant this morning I had an opportunity today to fix something for the day job and I had a ball. I'm still smiling and I've had the most relaxing sleep I've had for weeks.

It's a numbers/data query, it's been going round in circles for the weeks I've been on the project and I was doing a catch up with my regular manager (who I respect a lot) who's been trying to resolve it. Nobody knows what's going on. She asked me a question which apparently no-one else is able to answer with any confidence and I said I'd ping it over to a contact to look at.

I was still fed up with project work so I started to write the e-mail, then I thought I'd take a look. Within a few hours I'd figured out what was going on, captured my evidence, tested the theory stuck it an e-mail and pinged it back. 

I know exactly what's going on. There was an issue. Someone, somewhere didn't make a decision about something, didn't bother to document it so someone else comes along a bit later and can't work out what's going on and because no-one bothers to keep minutes of anything they decide the people they ask just either try to bluff it, or bounce things around to other people. The worst part is that the people who it affects (i.e. people who put the data into the system) have no idea either. Not one of them can articulate why they do the thing the way they do. All they know is that "someone told them" that was the way to do it. I know who didn't make that decision because I used to work with them (they're a very senior person). Very much a people-person but completely hopeless when it comes to anything technical. They made decisions on the fly, no-one documented anything and now no-one can remember what was decided, or why or for what reason. 

The penny has finally dropped with me. It's a game. All of it. This issue been going on for years and was "parked" because it was too difficult to solve. None of this has been communicated to anyone - and in the environment I work in, where it's musical chairs, the reason why has been lost. Of course no-one wants to admit they're bloody clueless so they go round in circles talking about it (or forgetting there was even a problem to start with) but not actually resolving it.

It's another insight. I understand what makes me different. Give me a question - and I'll figure it out. I'll get the answer - and I'll admit if I don't know. Give me the space -  no deadline (just ask me how much time I need and I'll say), no nonsense, no task-meetings, check-points, conversations or other of the micromanagement crap and I'll get it sussed. Because I won't try to bluff what I don't know. It's how I work. 

This is what I thought the project would be. That I'd get the space to work like this , it's exploratory - that's what I thought I'd be given the freedom to do - because it's what's been asked of me before and I've delivered. What's actually happened is that someone has decided they want something they haven't got. They're not interested in what is actually needed for a quality product - they just want an output as fast as possible so they can move onto the next thing. It's why I'm doing unnecessary updates and asked for recommendations before I'm even at that stage. Screw them. I'm not doing this again. I'm done. I'll get another job before I put myself out like this again. I can't be rushed into producing crap - and I can't work to people who flop about with decisions because they don't understand what they want or have such a chaotic way of deciding things and not bothering to explain it to me that I end up not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I've seen what happens with rushed decisions. My whole working environment is a legacy of them. And it's why I'm useless working in teams of people. I need a task, the task. Let me start it, be left to work on it, and bring it to closure. Other people are a distraction - they actually hinder me from figuring it out. The best part - is that I love that space where I am figuring it out. Wrestling with that problem. Even if it gives me sleepless nights - I love the ride. Leading others - a team, that's a whole different set of skills which I don't have. Cascading decisions I don't understand, making stuff up on the spot, free-styling untiI I work out what I'm supposed to be doing, and all the other social-motivational stuff to get people going - it'd tear me to pieces within weeks. And it did.

This was supposed to be a reply Plastic and it's almost turned another journal-type spiel. But the turnaround in the last few hours has blown me away. I'm back on the project on Monday so will probably be miserable again.... but I've had another insight today into what makes me different. I'll make the time to enjoy that warm, fuzzy feeling while it lasts. 

Good for you - learning about yourself is valuable knowledge.      I was relatively lucky -  I was working with lazy chimps so no-one would interrupt me making things happen.

We were paid a salary, an on-call allowance and a very generous monthly bonus if we achieved better than 98% production - so those morons could cost me money because of their incompetence.

I was left alone to do things the way *I* wanted them done - I was the one that would have to fix things anyway so it may as well suit my methods.

I liked having the chimps around - really for the nerdy chats in the tea room - but they were generally a hindrance to my work.

Good for you - learning about yourself is valuable knowledge.      I was relatively lucky -  I was working with lazy chimps so no-one would interrupt me making things happen.

We were paid a salary, an on-call allowance and a very generous monthly bonus if we achieved better than 98% production - so those morons could cost me money because of their incompetence.

I was left alone to do things the way *I* wanted them done - I was the one that would have to fix things anyway so it may as well suit my methods.

I liked having the chimps around - really for the nerdy chats in the tea room - but they were generally a hindrance to my work.