Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm struggling with pains. Mostly head and stomach pains which are getting worse by each day. They bring with them a feeling of utter lousiness and it’s just ugh I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m all for living life and waiting for things to get better but I believe this is part of my asd and actually may never get better and that is an alarming thought for me. I can’t live life in pain and discomfort not forever. I’ve been having distressing and negative thoughts for a while and have also considered not living for much longer like planning things out. I love my family and I love life but I don’t see the point in being here if I’m unable to enjoy life and currently, the pain and discomfort is making life unpleasant for me and my loved ones. My mood is all over the place. I’m not able to keep it in check and have outburst because of the pain.
I work in a hospital and have seen people die before and I feel envious of those people. The dying process can be unpleasant but the actual dying bit is like switching off a light. At times I dream of that happening for me because there would be no more pain, just peace and bliss. It’s wrong to think this I know but really the pain and feelings I go through every day are getting unbearable and no one seems to be able to or want to help. I've had the pains for the last ten years and now they are so much worse they are making me feel really bad most days.
I don’t see myself being here much longer but I thought I would try this place as you guys are all likely to have experienced this or similar I hope.
The pain has been bad today, but eased up this evening so now I’m just relaxing to some music. The bad thoughts are still with me but I’m trying to be as positive. I’ve been thinking about things which might help me with the pain, relaxing to gentle music helps but I’m wondering if I should start eating breakfast as well? I used to eat breakfast but I stopped in the end, eating often results in me feeling bloated and sick, and this feeling lasts to the next day as well so I stopped that. The pain is really getting to me now. It’s always there, like an itch that won’t go away or get any better. I’m also tired, so tired that I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment, I’m feeling so bad. It’s horrible. It maybe could be a migraine or something related. My sister, she suffers from migraines a lot, and she’s also Autistic though we’re not that close anymore. I really want to call my gp or the 111 number but I’m scared of what will happen or what I’ll say. I’m not good talking to people about things like my health, especially if they turn nasty towards me which has happened before. Just don’t know what to do anymore, feel lousy and in pain all day long and waking up in the middle of the night in pain can be annoying as well as afterward I don’t feel well. I’m tired and want to sleep forever, it’s getting harder to get through each day now. Life is agony and I feel like my body is starting to give up on me, physically and mentally. Mentally my life is shutting down or that’s what it feels like. As I said before I don’t think I’ll be around for much longer, this is hard to live with and I feel like there’s no one who can help me. The trouble is, as I found out with my gp last time, they didn’t understand Autism so weren’t very helpful and turned quite nasty at one point which put me off.
Hmmm, I see. That is a complication. I can think of a few possible answers, though. I'm going to think about it some more and get back to you tomorrow. Over the years I've picked up quite a lot about alternative ways round the medical system!
That's if you don't mind, of course. Hope you don't mind me reeling off instructions like this as if it was any of my business when I'm a total stranger who only even joined the forum last week? But presumably you posting that message in the first place means you want help?
DON'T PANIC. Glad you've been feeling a bit better this evening, you sound like you really needed a break.