Autism or narcissism mother

I’m like you and all the other autistic people I have spoke to. My mum was an un loving, un compassionate, un caring, manipulative drunk. All she did was shout at me and abuse me I am convinced she caused my autism because I remember being a normal happy boy before my mum and her family members came and ruined my childhood. Then I became a depressed shy inhibited boy. It’s all her fault. I’m 23 now and I’ve had to rebuild my life because of the damage she did to me. I don’t know if I will ever want to speak to her again. I wanted her love my whole life and she never gave me it. Now I don’t speak to her and blocked her years ago. I hope she feels guilty for abusing me and failing to be a proper parent. I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for her actions. I now have to take heavy medication to block out my emotions because if I wasn’t on medication I would be crying and angry every single day like I was before going on meds. The meds numb me. I’d rather be numb and emotionless than depressed all the time because of the destruction she and her father caused to me.

It saddens me to hear this. 

I've done a lot of work to understand the Autistic / ADHD brain and how we're affected by society. What this means is we're left unsupported and treated rather horribly and can end up in Survival Mode, a really depleted state of being (or not really being). This in turn ends up ruining relationships and blocks us further from even being able get help when we don't realise we're asking for it. It's trauma compounding trauma - and that's the only sort of mother who would unintentionally externalise cruelty on her child. 

We all need mentors and community, connectedness and to make sense of the world. 

I genuinely feel your pain. My mother didn't drink, but that didn't mean she didn't act like an Adult child of an Alcoholic. ADHD'rs have difficulty with emotional regulation - she was diagnosed bipolar and literally offended at it, she threw it out. And that's because she wasn't. ADHD is different. And when it's undiagnosed, it makes it even worse. From a young age ADHD and Au females are told they're too much. They're repellant. They unpleasant. But being Autistic, I found I can seize control - in fact, I can be intensely grounded - I'm not actually impacted by social shame and social judgement, but still socially weird. I don't even really connect and learned it doesn't bother me.  However, ADHD women have far worse anxiety as they DO understand the social constructs and can find themselves completely powerless to fix anything. I can just exit and voila! Solitude for the win, but it's not like that for them, it's a mountain they can get out from under.

Being female, I can let go of not having a mother easier - I think - than if I were her son it would be different. 

I did get help, but with parents it can be overwhelming. They're supposed to be this responsible, reliable source and when they fail at that, it does a great deal of damage. I know my son, now older, still visits his grandmother and she cares about what he has to say, so maybe when she's 70 she'll get tested and things might actually get a little better.

I genuinely hope you are able to succeed in some significant ways (even our small wins matter) and find a kind of healing. It may not get better with that relationship, but it doesn't mean it has ruined the life you have ahead of you. 

It saddens me to hear this. 

I've done a lot of work to understand the Autistic / ADHD brain and how we're affected by society. What this means is we're left unsupported and treated rather horribly and can end up in Survival Mode, a really depleted state of being (or not really being). This in turn ends up ruining relationships and blocks us further from even being able get help when we don't realise we're asking for it. It's trauma compounding trauma - and that's the only sort of mother who would unintentionally externalise cruelty on her child. 

We all need mentors and community, connectedness and to make sense of the world. 

I genuinely feel your pain. My mother didn't drink, but that didn't mean she didn't act like an Adult child of an Alcoholic. ADHD'rs have difficulty with emotional regulation - she was diagnosed bipolar and literally offended at it, she threw it out. And that's because she wasn't. ADHD is different. And when it's undiagnosed, it makes it even worse. From a young age ADHD and Au females are told they're too much. They're repellant. They unpleasant. But being Autistic, I found I can seize control - in fact, I can be intensely grounded - I'm not actually impacted by social shame and social judgement, but still socially weird. I don't even really connect and learned it doesn't bother me.  However, ADHD women have far worse anxiety as they DO understand the social constructs and can find themselves completely powerless to fix anything. I can just exit and voila! Solitude for the win, but it's not like that for them, it's a mountain they can get out from under.

Being female, I can let go of not having a mother easier - I think - than if I were her son it would be different. 

I did get help, but with parents it can be overwhelming. They're supposed to be this responsible, reliable source and when they fail at that, it does a great deal of damage. I know my son, now older, still visits his grandmother and she cares about what he has to say, so maybe when she's 70 she'll get tested and things might actually get a little better.

I genuinely hope you are able to succeed in some significant ways (even our small wins matter) and find a kind of healing. It may not get better with that relationship, but it doesn't mean it has ruined the life you have ahead of you. 

I'm not sure where you're getting this information.

All individuals will experience difficult times in life, that's life. In the wild, animals nurture their kids without hesitation and then kids leave and live on instinct. We know from observation the Wild is a dangerous place. 

But humans can use reason to modify and understand or control instinct. Sometimes there exists something else which keeps us from following instinct or even being vulnerable enough to sense it and sometimes we blatantly ignore it, maybe fear of judgement, maybe misunderstanding a complex problem or maybe our instinct is contrary to what is useful or even good.

According to new understandings in genetics all humans have "autistic" potential. I very much doubt we've ever called it that. For instance, much of what is Actually autistic is more right brained thinking. A different wiring which means a potential for one thing at the expense of executive function. Some might say it's a more ancient brain, that the ability to tie a shoe or read is new comparatively to how long humans have existed. 

It's important to differentiate Autism from Trauma and I think this is the crucial key many are missing. 

Your mother may have traumatised you, and due to being autistic, you learn and grow and understand the world from a vastly different perspective than the majority. You needed help into life and she couldn't give you that. I feel with you here. I went through a similar thing with mine.

These people failed us but it doesn't meant life stops here. It means we can do something different. Find mentorships, find our own community. Learn, grow, become. They may have been traumatised in their own way and unable to see us because they were unable to understand who they are as human beings - autistic or not.

Focus on what is possible. What do you want? I didn't grow into my self until around 30. Then I started integrating my words, actions and intent. There will always be something to discover, and shifting away from how we were failed to who we can become can really change our entire trajectory. 

Hi thanks for the reply. I don’t know my refrigerator mum probably caused my autism because I remember at one point being a happy boy and then I switched to an unhappy sad boy. Some people claim that that transformation was caused by vaccines or viruses but I don’t know what if it really is caused by the parent(s). I was thinking if I had a normal happy loving mum would I have turned out autistic with anxiety and emotional problems? I am not sure who knows? They claim genetics cause autism yet they have only found a genetic cause for 4% of autistic people I seen in a study. So what explains the other 96%? These are all interesting questions to think about but I know I definetly became autistic as a young child I wasn’t autistic from birth that’s for sure.