Hello I am having some thoughts of wanting to harm someone in which I do not really mean to because I am sick and tired of everyone not understanding other people's issues like anger issues and other problems and when they say that the world is as as it is when the world should change for the better and I am not asking people or the world to be perfect but I just want no more violence, war, people telling others what to do with their own lives and bodies, no more negatives, no more pain and suffering and I think some more too I would not like in this world anymore like birth defects or disabilities sorry to say this as I do not want to end up offending anybody but I just wish that some people were not born with disabilities because it would be nice if everyone would be more independent and be able to do more things for themselves. I really need help please as it is getting out of control.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re suffering these anger issues. I guess all of us struggle to understand something which we have not experienced ourselves, this might explain some of the apparent lack of understanding into how you are feeling. Speaking generally I do know that repetitive thinking about anything can get pretty exhausting so i’d guess that these thoughts are probably consuming you quite a lot, and that sounds like it’s quite overwhelming for you? The world is enough of a confusing place at 20 without all the extra ASD issues on top!
Firstly, please don’t harm anyone, that is not going to resolve anything for you and would lead to you having less choices and freedom than you have now. I can see that Graham has given you some really useful links which I hope you find helpful, I’m also really glad that you’ve contacted your GP about seeking proper mental health services as I feel this could really benefit you. If your thoughts are so intense and out of control that you think that you might act on them then please contact your local mental health crisis team ASAP (you can find their number on google) this service runs 24/7 and they should send someone to assess you today and put a support plan in place immediately.
Secondly, you speak of frustration about other people not understanding other people’s issues. As I said earlier, I think we can all struggle to ‘get’ something that we don’t experience ourselves. I wonder also if this is more common for autistic people in as much as NT’s seem to just instinctively ‘get’ what each other are going through, so’d i’d guess that NT’s also feel understood as they’re conversing with other NTs who have an instinctive ability to read emotions. Being autistic is so much more of a mine field for understanding/being understood. Because we can’t instinctively feel other people’s emotions and infer their mental states/thoughts we have to guess, usually based on our own experience of how certain situations have/do make us feel. Unfortunately, this is somewhat like a blind person attempting to complete a really complex maze unaided (the one at Hampton court palace springs to mind!!!) in that metaphorically you end up staggering around and bumping into things a lot and going the wrong way a lot and going round in circles etc. So basically we get it wrong a lot or we just don’t ‘get’ it. Trying to make oneself understand as an autistic person also is very frustrating, NTs don’t understand us as their brains are wired differently and other autistic people may try to understand us but struggle to fully see what someone else is experiencing. I know personally that one thing that causes arguments with my husband is when I am trying to explain my point of view to him, a view that differs from his own, and I explain it in the most black and white ‘as it is’ way possible so I think ‘surely he can understand this’, but he still doesn’t get it, no matter how many times I try to re-explain in an even simpler way and I just end up like Aaaarrrggghhhhhh!!!! So I get that it’s frustrating when we can’t make other people see our own point of view.
Thirdly, would you like to tell me in a bit more detail, what all these things are that you are getting annoyed about? You mention wanting the world to change for the better and no more war or violence. That is understandable, it’s difficult for one person to change the world BUT I do wonder if you were able to make little steps towards helping the world to change for the better then you might feel less frustrated about things and it may help focus your energy into something more positive. I know that https://www.change.org/ do a lot of petitions about various causes, once they get above a certain number of e-signatures then a petition has to be considered in the House of Commons. Why not take a look and see if you can make little steps towards changing the world for the better.
You speak also about not feeling that you are able to make your own choices and decisions, in what way do you feel that your choices and decisions and freedom are being restricted?
Well with certain age restrictions like with on adoption and surrogacy still having a higher age of 21 or 25 in some other countries. I sometimes wish that these things and some more other things were all age 18 as it is the age we become adults and can do a whole loads of stuff like get married, buy and drink alcohol, buy cigarettes, buy and watch porn, serve in a jury or apply to be a judge even and also be able to book a hotel or a cruise. It is when people disapprove of me saying that I am old enough to make my own choices when people have said that people who are over the age of 18 are really old enough and capable of making their own choices. Also I would like for everything including like adult rights or things and freedom to be age 18 or 21 and nothing to have any higher age restrictions like some dating sites or speed dating events for an example to have a minimum age of 25. Also the reason why I feel restricted on making my choices and wanting to have more freedom to do what I want because of everyone or nearly everyone says that I cannot make any decisions for myself and when they also say that it is not my decision and when they like intervene with mine and other people's lives who are my age in which nobody should be intervening with other people's lives. Also everyone should understand that it is my body at the end of the day and what I want to do with it like if I want to like smoke or drink or have a child now or in the near future it would be my choice and nobody else's at all. Also if people want to have kids in their late teens or 20s then that is also their choice and body too. I don't really think that anything would really stop 18 and 19 year olds from wanting to get pregnant or have kids either.
Celebrate your youth. You will get older naturally. You will not get younger.
I know that but I feel like I cannot enjoy the rest of my youth unless things start changing for me like no more pressure or stress was to be put upon me. Also I want to be allowed to enjoy my youth more like be allowed to have more fun as much as I want and without anyone including the authorities telling me what to do either as I can make more decisions for myself because it is not like I am five years old when I could not make decisions for myself before but now that I am much older that I finally can. I just need to have more power and that courage to stand up for myself more effectively.
I’m going to try and explain my own opinion to you so that hopefully you can understand some of these things a bit better. Ok so with age restrictions on stuff like surrogacy and adoption I think it’s not so much about legally being an adult but more about having the necessary life experience to be able to deal with it emotionally. Personally I could not be surrogate and give a baby away after carrying it for 9 months, my maternal instinct is too strong and it would kill me to give up my baby, even if it wasn’t genetically mine, the bond you form with a baby during pregnancy makes you it’s mum. Perhaps surrogacy agencies worry that a woman younger than say 25, wouldn’t know themselves well enough to fully understand how being a surrogate might affect them emotionally in the long term, whereas an older woman would know herself a lot better and understood the emotional impact it would have on her and be able to make a more balanced and informed decision. I’m not saying that a younger woman doesn’t know herself, I’m saying that an older woman knows herself better than a younger woman simply because she’s had more time to get to know herself, if that makes sense? I think with adoption agencies it’s definitely an issue of life experience, don’t forget that there are a higher percentage of children put up for adoption (as compared to the general population) that have been abused or neglected, it takes a lot of life experience and someone very stsbke and grounded and mentally strong to be able to deal with all the emotional stuff the child is going to be going through, let alone the emotional impact that has on the adoptive parent. Even if you adopt a newborn baby there’s still emotional stuff to deal with in terms of becoming a mum to someone else’s baby/not being able to have your own baby etc. All of this I feel would be too overwhelming for most people in their late teens or even early 20’s.
Who is it that disapproves of you saying you are old enough to make your own choices? I have to say, as the mother of a 21 year old girl (it’s her 21st today actually) that while she is legally old enough to make her own decisions, she still sometimes makes unwise decisions. I too made unwise decisions at her age and I get that it’s all part of growing up and learning BUT it is difficult as a mother watching your child make mistakes, it’s natural to try to stop them from making mistakes, it’s difficult to let go and accept that she is responsible for her own decisions now, especially when they are unwise decisions. I just wonder, if it is your parents who have an issue with you being old enough to make your own decisions maybe they are just being protective and struggling to let go but maybe in time they will adapt to you being an adult and responsible for your own decisions?
With smoking or drinking. Smoking is horrifically addictive. I started smoking at 14 thinking it was cool, now I really wish I hadn’t, it’s something that I will always be addicted to, currently on nicotine gum about 20/day and the odd cigarette, I’ve been like that for a couple of years now and it’s probably the best I’m going to achieve for the time being. Smoking is also very expensive! Alcohol in moderation is fine but just be aware that too much alcohol makes you vulnerable to being taken advantage of by men and as a young lady with ASD and too much alcohol you are even more likely to get taken advantage of, and it’s not nice when that happens, take it from me, been there, done that, worn the t-shirt.
With Regards to teenagers being allowed to have children. I had my eldest a few days after my 17th birthday. I don’t regret having her, I love all my children and could never regret any of them. BUT it was hard. When all other people my age were going out having fun I was stuck at home looking after a baby. I did my A-levels, my degree and my masters degree while also bringing up a young child on my own and working part time to support us and while I’m proud of that achievement, it was really really hard work! I also know that now in my late 30’s being a mum for the second time to two under 5’s, that I am a better mother now because I have more life experience on which to base my parenting. I still carry a lot of guilt about not being a better mum to my eldest simply through my own lack of life experience and vulnerability. It’s guilt that I don’t have with my youngest two as I’m wiser now and I know better how to be a mum. Truely if choice is involved then I believe that it is usually in the child’s best interests to be born to an older mother with more life experience.
Hope my explanations help in some way. Feel free to query anything.
To throw a scientific view on this. The brain doesn't actually fully develop until at least 25. The rational part (the part of the brain that helps think through decisions) is one of the last part of the brain to properly develop. This may be one of the reasons for the higher age restrictions.
Adoption and surrogacy are huge things to do. And the big issue with both of these is the person deciding to do it isn't the person most affected, the child is. Great care therefore has to be taken to make sure these children get the best. This isn't to say that no 18 year old would be capable of doing this. I'm sure many would do a fantastic job. Kitsun goes into further detail about surrogacy below. With regard to adoption it is a life long commitment and one that has to be thought about very seriously. Most 18 year olds will be straight out of school and will not yet be in the position that they could provide what is needed. If it is something that is very important to them then waiting a few years is not much.
There is more to being an adult than just a number. I certainly was not ready to be an adult at 18. I was not responsible enough. So I went away to university for 3 years. I was a very different person by 21 and I'm a very different person by nearly 30. I still don't feel like an adult though.
What fun are you being stopped from having in your youth? What are authorities telling you to do?
I think you are putting a lot of stress on yourself. You are worrying about a lot of very big issues. Most of which you don't have control over. Can I make a suggestion that maybe you pick one or two issues that you would like to make a difference in and concentrate on them? Then maybe you could do something good and not feel so overwhelmed.
I also think a hobby that you can channel your energy into would be really helpful for you.
I know you want everyone to agree with you and that you find it frustrating when they don't. But we are all different and have all had different experiences of life so we are not always going to agree. So please don't take this post as someone arguing with your view. It's simply a different way of looking at a situation.
Ok Kitsun thank you for the helpful reply and I understand with almost everything you are saying about adoption and surrogacy being at age 21 in which is not that much of a bad age as someone is not a teenager at that age anymore and now a fully grown adult. I also understand that drinking too much alcohol can have serious consequences and don't worry I only have alcohol in moderation. Also what I do mean is that also my mum does unfortunately disapprove of me making my own decisions and want to make more of my own decisions I think it is sometimes she disapproves of it too. I just want to be allowed to make any types of decisions as I am now an adult and not a little girl anymore without anyone saying anything or wanting to intervene as it really frustrates me a lot.
“I did my A-levels, my degree and my masters degree while also bringing up a young child on my own and working part time to support us and while I’m proud of that achievement, it was really really hard work!”
With regard to the smoking, have tried vaping? I finally managed to give up, after many attempts and over 40 years of smoking, by switching to vaping. I treated it as not being able to get my favourite brand and changing to another. Using the liquid called British Tobacco Flavour, at the maximum 18 strength worked for me. The brand is called Edge.
I know that I worry about things too much and I am sorry about that but that is just the way I am and that I just want young people to be allowed to make more decisions for themselves regardless of when they say that the brain is not fully developed until the age of 25 because I don't like people thinking that young people cannot make decisions for themselves or trying to stop them from making decisions and mistakes for themselves as young people are still capable of making decisions for themselves when they are allowed to make these decisions for themselves. The authorities I am talking about is the government and the professionals I think in which are telling me and other young adults what to do in which I want to finally end.
You don't need to be sorry about worrying. It's something you need help with, not to apologise for. 18 year olds are allowed to make a lot of decisions for themselves. But there are people that try and guide them to making the right decisions. Surely you would rather that than end up making a mistake that could ultimately ruin your life? I do understand you can't just change your way of thinking and it is really hard to have the same thoughts going round and round. But trying to turn round the situation to see the good things for 18 year olds might really help you. Why not make a list of all the positives for that age group instead of just the negatives?
Your questions are interesting questions, and many people have given them considerable thought over very many years. The unvarnished truth is that there is no single right answer to these questions, only what is considered to be generally socially acceptable in a particular place and time. The laws that we have in the UK are the current "official consensus" that the UK has arrived at to this point. This consensus can, and has, changed over time. Also the "official consensus" differs in different countries, and sometimes even in different regions within countries. In the UK for example, I believe the laws on abortion differ in the different "provinces."
Another aspect is that in some places, the local consensus within certain social groups may differ from the "official consensus". An example of this that springs to mind is certain social groups accepting young girls becoming married and having sexual relations, which may or may not be consensual, even though the local "official consensus" is that such things shouldn't happen and is illegal. There was a story about this in the news last year but I don't recall the full details, of which country the particular story was about or which social group was involved.
Another question which some people debate is whether the current "law making bodies" in any particular country/region actually even have a right to make and enforce such pronouncements. That relates to concepts like the idea of "sovereignty" etc. which has cropped up a lot in the recent debates on Brexit.
The ages of which the prohibition for certain activities, e.g. smoking, sex, are lifted is, to some degree, fairly arbitrary and inevitably a compromise. The way the law works however is that it needs to be precise and unambiguous, as much as possible, whether an offence under a particular law has been committed or not. In the case of the sorts of things you are talking about the easiest way to define that is to specify a particular age. The arbitrariness/compromise of the situation however means that inevitably this age is set too high for some people - they would be "mentally capable" of doing such things at a younger age. The flip side however is that for some people the age set is actually set too young, and they would benefit from a few more years of "mental maturity" before they embarked on these things. Unfortunately legislating to take that into consideration would be incredibly difficult, and would be difficult to implement which is why things are the way the are. One of the ways this difficulty is handled is that the Police and the Crown Prosecution Service are given a certain amount of latitude to decide whether or not a prosecution for any particular offence should be brought and whether or not it would "be within the public interest". Sometimes they may decide that a caution would be more warranted, or they may just talk to people about what they did, or they may decide that there is no need to take things any further. Which action they take will very much depend on the offence, the people involved, how various people reacted to things etc.
Perhaps some people might be able to give examples of where they undertook activities that they were legally allowed to do, and to which they consented at the time, but which with hindsight they felt they weren't yet old enough to fully understand what they were getting into, and they may have wished they had waited?
One thing I don't know if you've thought about, is that there is a flip-side to these things - part of society granting rights to do certain things also comes with certain implied responsibilities. For example, at the age of 16 people in the UK are generally allowed to have sex, and provided there is consent at the time, then no offence is committed if two people over the age of 16 have sex. But having sex can have certain impacts on people, and along with the right to have sex comes with it the assumption that people who are legally having sex will accept and deal with any consequences that may arise from doing that.
Another thing that I don't know if you've considered or not, is that these sorts of laws are rarely enacted by legislative bodies without some sort of good reasons or motivating occurrences behind them. If you are interested in pursuing changes to these sorts of things, then I would recommend researching the history and reasons of why the laws you want to change were enacted in the first place, and how they may already have changed over time. As with many things, it can sometimes happen that changes made without fully considering all the possible ramifications may end up:
* "throwing out the baby with the bath water" - i.e. there was a perfectly legitimate thing the law was trying to protect against, but ill-considered changes may allow the undesirable thing that they were brought in to protect against to start occurring again,
* Changes can have unanticipated consequences which may turn out to be bad problems themselves.
I think it's good that you giving thought to a lot of these things, because coming to terms with them in your own way is a large part of becoming a socially responsible adult.
Hi Sholay, it sounds like maybe your mum is struggling to adapt to you being an adult and responsible for your own decisions. I think this is something everyone goes through in their late teens/early twenties where they want to make all their own decisions but the parents are still trying to make decisions for them. I’m sure your mum is only doing that because she cares about you and doesn’t want you to make bad decisions and suffer the consequences of those, she’s just being protective. Hopefully in time though she will come to accept that you are now an adult and responsible for making your own choices, I’m sure she’ll get there in the end. It’s hard though, as a mum, just because your child is an adult doesn’t mean you stop wanting to look after them and protect them like you always have :-)