Hello I am having some thoughts of wanting to harm someone in which I do not really mean to because I am sick and tired of everyone not understanding other people's issues like anger issues and other problems and when they say that the world is as as it is when the world should change for the better and I am not asking people or the world to be perfect but I just want no more violence, war, people telling others what to do with their own lives and bodies, no more negatives, no more pain and suffering and I think some more too I would not like in this world anymore like birth defects or disabilities sorry to say this as I do not want to end up offending anybody but I just wish that some people were not born with disabilities because it would be nice if everyone would be more independent and be able to do more things for themselves. I really need help please as it is getting out of control.
Hello Sholay, I’m sorry to hear you are being troubled by these thoughts.
You can find advice about treatment for anger at these links:
One recognised way of controlling anger is meditation. You can find a training video here:
Anger problems are often associated with depression. It would be a good idea to speak to your GP about your thoughts.
I hope this helps, all the best,Graham.
I have recently made an appointment with a doctor to see if they can find some proper mental health services for me. Also I just want everyone to understand that no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes and should be allowed to make mistakes no matter how old we are. And I just want everyone to treat me as a nearly 21 year old lady as I am nearly 21 this April coming soon and everyone should understand that when someone reaches the age of 18 or 21 they should be allowed to make all types of choices/decisions and are old enough and capable of making their own decisions/choices for themselves. Thank you for the help and for the links.
There is an essay/paper called ‘Making sense of agency: Belief in free will as a unique and important construct.’ at the link below that you may find interesting.
Atypical senses of self and agency in autism can lead to frustration, which may be one of the causes of your anger.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re suffering these anger issues. I guess all of us struggle to understand something which we have not experienced ourselves, this might explain some of the apparent lack of understanding into how you are feeling. Speaking generally I do know that repetitive thinking about anything can get pretty exhausting so i’d guess that these thoughts are probably consuming you quite a lot, and that sounds like it’s quite overwhelming for you? The world is enough of a confusing place at 20 without all the extra ASD issues on top!
Firstly, please don’t harm anyone, that is not going to resolve anything for you and would lead to you having less choices and freedom than you have now. I can see that Graham has given you some really useful links which I hope you find helpful, I’m also really glad that you’ve contacted your GP about seeking proper mental health services as I feel this could really benefit you. If your thoughts are so intense and out of control that you think that you might act on them then please contact your local mental health crisis team ASAP (you can find their number on google) this service runs 24/7 and they should send someone to assess you today and put a support plan in place immediately.
Secondly, you speak of frustration about other people not understanding other people’s issues. As I said earlier, I think we can all struggle to ‘get’ something that we don’t experience ourselves. I wonder also if this is more common for autistic people in as much as NT’s seem to just instinctively ‘get’ what each other are going through, so’d i’d guess that NT’s also feel understood as they’re conversing with other NTs who have an instinctive ability to read emotions. Being autistic is so much more of a mine field for understanding/being understood. Because we can’t instinctively feel other people’s emotions and infer their mental states/thoughts we have to guess, usually based on our own experience of how certain situations have/do make us feel. Unfortunately, this is somewhat like a blind person attempting to complete a really complex maze unaided (the one at Hampton court palace springs to mind!!!) in that metaphorically you end up staggering around and bumping into things a lot and going the wrong way a lot and going round in circles etc. So basically we get it wrong a lot or we just don’t ‘get’ it. Trying to make oneself understand as an autistic person also is very frustrating, NTs don’t understand us as their brains are wired differently and other autistic people may try to understand us but struggle to fully see what someone else is experiencing. I know personally that one thing that causes arguments with my husband is when I am trying to explain my point of view to him, a view that differs from his own, and I explain it in the most black and white ‘as it is’ way possible so I think ‘surely he can understand this’, but he still doesn’t get it, no matter how many times I try to re-explain in an even simpler way and I just end up like Aaaarrrggghhhhhh!!!! So I get that it’s frustrating when we can’t make other people see our own point of view.
Thirdly, would you like to tell me in a bit more detail, what all these things are that you are getting annoyed about? You mention wanting the world to change for the better and no more war or violence. That is understandable, it’s difficult for one person to change the world BUT I do wonder if you were able to make little steps towards helping the world to change for the better then you might feel less frustrated about things and it may help focus your energy into something more positive. I know that https://www.change.org/ do a lot of petitions about various causes, once they get above a certain number of e-signatures then a petition has to be considered in the House of Commons. Why not take a look and see if you can make little steps towards changing the world for the better.
You speak also about not feeling that you are able to make your own choices and decisions, in what way do you feel that your choices and decisions and freedom are being restricted?
Well with certain age restrictions like with on adoption and surrogacy still having a higher age of 21 or 25 in some other countries. I sometimes wish that these things and some more other things were all age 18 as it is the age we become adults and can do a whole loads of stuff like get married, buy and drink alcohol, buy cigarettes, buy and watch porn, serve in a jury or apply to be a judge even and also be able to book a hotel or a cruise. It is when people disapprove of me saying that I am old enough to make my own choices when people have said that people who are over the age of 18 are really old enough and capable of making their own choices. Also I would like for everything including like adult rights or things and freedom to be age 18 or 21 and nothing to have any higher age restrictions like some dating sites or speed dating events for an example to have a minimum age of 25. Also the reason why I feel restricted on making my choices and wanting to have more freedom to do what I want because of everyone or nearly everyone says that I cannot make any decisions for myself and when they also say that it is not my decision and when they like intervene with mine and other people's lives who are my age in which nobody should be intervening with other people's lives. Also everyone should understand that it is my body at the end of the day and what I want to do with it like if I want to like smoke or drink or have a child now or in the near future it would be my choice and nobody else's at all. Also if people want to have kids in their late teens or 20s then that is also their choice and body too. I don't really think that anything would really stop 18 and 19 year olds from wanting to get pregnant or have kids either.
Celebrate your youth. You will get older naturally. You will not get younger.
I know that but I feel like I cannot enjoy the rest of my youth unless things start changing for me like no more pressure or stress was to be put upon me. Also I want to be allowed to enjoy my youth more like be allowed to have more fun as much as I want and without anyone including the authorities telling me what to do either as I can make more decisions for myself because it is not like I am five years old when I could not make decisions for myself before but now that I am much older that I finally can. I just need to have more power and that courage to stand up for myself more effectively.
I’m going to try and explain my own opinion to you so that hopefully you can understand some of these things a bit better. Ok so with age restrictions on stuff like surrogacy and adoption I think it’s not so much about legally being an adult but more about having the necessary life experience to be able to deal with it emotionally. Personally I could not be surrogate and give a baby away after carrying it for 9 months, my maternal instinct is too strong and it would kill me to give up my baby, even if it wasn’t genetically mine, the bond you form with a baby during pregnancy makes you it’s mum. Perhaps surrogacy agencies worry that a woman younger than say 25, wouldn’t know themselves well enough to fully understand how being a surrogate might affect them emotionally in the long term, whereas an older woman would know herself a lot better and understood the emotional impact it would have on her and be able to make a more balanced and informed decision. I’m not saying that a younger woman doesn’t know herself, I’m saying that an older woman knows herself better than a younger woman simply because she’s had more time to get to know herself, if that makes sense? I think with adoption agencies it’s definitely an issue of life experience, don’t forget that there are a higher percentage of children put up for adoption (as compared to the general population) that have been abused or neglected, it takes a lot of life experience and someone very stsbke and grounded and mentally strong to be able to deal with all the emotional stuff the child is going to be going through, let alone the emotional impact that has on the adoptive parent. Even if you adopt a newborn baby there’s still emotional stuff to deal with in terms of becoming a mum to someone else’s baby/not being able to have your own baby etc. All of this I feel would be too overwhelming for most people in their late teens or even early 20’s.
Who is it that disapproves of you saying you are old enough to make your own choices? I have to say, as the mother of a 21 year old girl (it’s her 21st today actually) that while she is legally old enough to make her own decisions, she still sometimes makes unwise decisions. I too made unwise decisions at her age and I get that it’s all part of growing up and learning BUT it is difficult as a mother watching your child make mistakes, it’s natural to try to stop them from making mistakes, it’s difficult to let go and accept that she is responsible for her own decisions now, especially when they are unwise decisions. I just wonder, if it is your parents who have an issue with you being old enough to make your own decisions maybe they are just being protective and struggling to let go but maybe in time they will adapt to you being an adult and responsible for your own decisions?
With smoking or drinking. Smoking is horrifically addictive. I started smoking at 14 thinking it was cool, now I really wish I hadn’t, it’s something that I will always be addicted to, currently on nicotine gum about 20/day and the odd cigarette, I’ve been like that for a couple of years now and it’s probably the best I’m going to achieve for the time being. Smoking is also very expensive! Alcohol in moderation is fine but just be aware that too much alcohol makes you vulnerable to being taken advantage of by men and as a young lady with ASD and too much alcohol you are even more likely to get taken advantage of, and it’s not nice when that happens, take it from me, been there, done that, worn the t-shirt.
With Regards to teenagers being allowed to have children. I had my eldest a few days after my 17th birthday. I don’t regret having her, I love all my children and could never regret any of them. BUT it was hard. When all other people my age were going out having fun I was stuck at home looking after a baby. I did my A-levels, my degree and my masters degree while also bringing up a young child on my own and working part time to support us and while I’m proud of that achievement, it was really really hard work! I also know that now in my late 30’s being a mum for the second time to two under 5’s, that I am a better mother now because I have more life experience on which to base my parenting. I still carry a lot of guilt about not being a better mum to my eldest simply through my own lack of life experience and vulnerability. It’s guilt that I don’t have with my youngest two as I’m wiser now and I know better how to be a mum. Truely if choice is involved then I believe that it is usually in the child’s best interests to be born to an older mother with more life experience.
Hope my explanations help in some way. Feel free to query anything.
To throw a scientific view on this. The brain doesn't actually fully develop until at least 25. The rational part (the part of the brain that helps think through decisions) is one of the last part of the brain to properly develop. This may be one of the reasons for the higher age restrictions.
Adoption and surrogacy are huge things to do. And the big issue with both of these is the person deciding to do it isn't the person most affected, the child is. Great care therefore has to be taken to make sure these children get the best. This isn't to say that no 18 year old would be capable of doing this. I'm sure many would do a fantastic job. Kitsun goes into further detail about surrogacy below. With regard to adoption it is a life long commitment and one that has to be thought about very seriously. Most 18 year olds will be straight out of school and will not yet be in the position that they could provide what is needed. If it is something that is very important to them then waiting a few years is not much.
There is more to being an adult than just a number. I certainly was not ready to be an adult at 18. I was not responsible enough. So I went away to university for 3 years. I was a very different person by 21 and I'm a very different person by nearly 30. I still don't feel like an adult though.
What fun are you being stopped from having in your youth? What are authorities telling you to do?
I think you are putting a lot of stress on yourself. You are worrying about a lot of very big issues. Most of which you don't have control over. Can I make a suggestion that maybe you pick one or two issues that you would like to make a difference in and concentrate on them? Then maybe you could do something good and not feel so overwhelmed.
I also think a hobby that you can channel your energy into would be really helpful for you.
I know you want everyone to agree with you and that you find it frustrating when they don't. But we are all different and have all had different experiences of life so we are not always going to agree. So please don't take this post as someone arguing with your view. It's simply a different way of looking at a situation.
Ok Kitsun thank you for the helpful reply and I understand with almost everything you are saying about adoption and surrogacy being at age 21 in which is not that much of a bad age as someone is not a teenager at that age anymore and now a fully grown adult. I also understand that drinking too much alcohol can have serious consequences and don't worry I only have alcohol in moderation. Also what I do mean is that also my mum does unfortunately disapprove of me making my own decisions and want to make more of my own decisions I think it is sometimes she disapproves of it too. I just want to be allowed to make any types of decisions as I am now an adult and not a little girl anymore without anyone saying anything or wanting to intervene as it really frustrates me a lot.