Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello I need help and advice.
I have an extremely vivid imagination, which has some positives, especially when it comes to my writing and art. However I feel like my imagination is doing more harm than good for me.
I imagine such awful and very scary worst case scenarios in my head and convince myself they are going to happen to me. It makes me distressed and very anxious and I worry myself so much I make myself physically ill. I constantly live in fear of something truly horrible happening to me. My parents are concerned about me and my constant obsessing and worrying is destroying my relationship with my boyfriend (we've been together nearly 2 years).
So far I have imagined that I will die from a deadly disease soon, I will get cancer and not know about it and then I will die a horrible death, that someone will murder me in the street, I will get kidnapped, I will get locked in someone's basement forever, I will get accused of a crime I haven't done and will have my name and photo blasted all over the media, I will go to prison, I will get burned alive, someone will throw acid at me in the street, I will be a victim of a horrific assault or accident and will be disfigured, I will get raped and contract HIV or herpes, I will live in poverty after Brexit.....all these crazy things. Neurotypical people have constantly told me these worries are absurd but I somehow have come to a conclusion as to why each of those things will happen to me in the future. I spend all day and night worrying and thinking about them - I don't sleep, I have bad eating patterns, my house is a mess, I don't look after myself and I never get anything done due to my constant obsessing and panicking and overthinking these horrific scenarios.
I am seeing a counsellor again next week for the first time in years. I just want these thoughts to end I am so so sick of feeling like this.
I can totally relate to that. And after years of intensive hard work and introspection, I got rid of the dark thoughts, but all they did, is they went extreme in the opposite direction! Lol! My god, I thought the only person I can talk to is Einstein! I don’t want these minions under my feet! Lol! I thought I was going to build an empire!
But the good news is, the hard work paid off because it brought me to a place of middle ground. It’s made me more balanced and somehow more stable and it’s giving me the space to consider things more carefully instead of having a head full of never ending thoughts.
It’s like I live life in the slow lane now yet the slower I go, the more I achieve and the less clutter I have in my head and the clearer my focus gets. But it has its price. I’ve been on benefits now for two years, but I won’t put a foot towards work until I’m ready, which isolates me from a lot of people. But I’m willing to pay the price because this is my life we’re talking about. I did the whole trying to fit in business and it didn’t work for me, on any level, otherwise I wouldn’t end up in such burn outs. So this time, I’m finding out what does work for me. And to do that. I had to get rid of the constant thinking. It takes hard work, but it’s possible.