How to ask for help and support?

Hi Starbuck

What you describe is very much like the predicament I feel I'm in. (Largely I have no one to turn to even if I were able to ask though.) I'm alexithymic too (online test here), and when someone asks me how I am, what I don't like is the difficulty saying rather than worrying about the insincerity of the question.

It's not easy thinking there may be a communication barrier within a relationship either. It could be difficult for them to understand.

I wrote a rambling article once on the subject of asking for help and support, specifically related to depression. Having been judged in the past, and not wanting to feel a 'burden', and being in the habit of ignoring your own feelings and needs. are all potential barriers in asking for help. In the case of autism, it's usually described as a 'mask'.

Here's an old article that's supposedly about cancer, but it's more about the expectations other people can have of us and how those get in the way of honesty:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/02/cancer-positive-thinking-barbara-ehrenreich

And one more thing about loneliness if you're looking for a wider perspective: https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/01/why-loneliness-can-be-contagious/

I would suggest things may not be as bad as you think at your job and they do say don't take big decisions when you're depressed.

Yes, there's something about not just what we say, but how we say it, that may lead to us not being taken seriously. In the case of a GP, they may well be looking out for physical and non-verbal signals as much as the content of what you're saying. The best suggestion I heard recently was to write down things as best you can and send it to your GP well in advance in a letter. A GP may resist reading something during the appointment.

I've still not come to very useful conclusions (but will try to put things into practice in the next few days... I'm thinking of asking the GP for a referral to a clinical psychologist as that's the MH profession I've learned to trust most). Questions are

• What to ask for help for
• Who to ask for help
• How to ask for help

Who to ask can be divided into

• Those people who you know but you don't think will understand the experience (subdivisions into casual friends and close relationships)
• People who may understand the experience (hopefully some here or in local autism or mental health groups)
• Professional help

If it's professional help, then generally it's going to be in the context of some kind of diagnosis, although some just want to hear about life situation. The first group, of those close to you, you can ask for practical help and for positive suggestions of what to do. While they may not understand the diagnosis, they may understand some aspects of it, like insomnia or work trouble. Sometimes you also want mentoring or life coaching or spiritual guidance on a direction or how to tackle things, but there may be an autistic desire to 'get' life and be less of an outsider looking in, that in some way is never going to be satisfied.

'Help' isn't necessarily a one way thing, and the most positive way of looking at things is often a collaboration.

By the way, the Samaritans (116 123) don't fall into any of the above groups, but may be the easiest or only people you feel you can talk to sometimes.

Hi Starbuck

What you describe is very much like the predicament I feel I'm in. (Largely I have no one to turn to even if I were able to ask though.) I'm alexithymic too (online test here), and when someone asks me how I am, what I don't like is the difficulty saying rather than worrying about the insincerity of the question.

It's not easy thinking there may be a communication barrier within a relationship either. It could be difficult for them to understand.

I wrote a rambling article once on the subject of asking for help and support, specifically related to depression. Having been judged in the past, and not wanting to feel a 'burden', and being in the habit of ignoring your own feelings and needs. are all potential barriers in asking for help. In the case of autism, it's usually described as a 'mask'.

Here's an old article that's supposedly about cancer, but it's more about the expectations other people can have of us and how those get in the way of honesty:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/02/cancer-positive-thinking-barbara-ehrenreich

And one more thing about loneliness if you're looking for a wider perspective: https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/01/why-loneliness-can-be-contagious/

I would suggest things may not be as bad as you think at your job and they do say don't take big decisions when you're depressed.

Yes, there's something about not just what we say, but how we say it, that may lead to us not being taken seriously. In the case of a GP, they may well be looking out for physical and non-verbal signals as much as the content of what you're saying. The best suggestion I heard recently was to write down things as best you can and send it to your GP well in advance in a letter. A GP may resist reading something during the appointment.

I've still not come to very useful conclusions (but will try to put things into practice in the next few days... I'm thinking of asking the GP for a referral to a clinical psychologist as that's the MH profession I've learned to trust most). Questions are

• What to ask for help for
• Who to ask for help
• How to ask for help

Who to ask can be divided into

• Those people who you know but you don't think will understand the experience (subdivisions into casual friends and close relationships)
• People who may understand the experience (hopefully some here or in local autism or mental health groups)
• Professional help

If it's professional help, then generally it's going to be in the context of some kind of diagnosis, although some just want to hear about life situation. The first group, of those close to you, you can ask for practical help and for positive suggestions of what to do. While they may not understand the diagnosis, they may understand some aspects of it, like insomnia or work trouble. Sometimes you also want mentoring or life coaching or spiritual guidance on a direction or how to tackle things, but there may be an autistic desire to 'get' life and be less of an outsider looking in, that in some way is never going to be satisfied.

'Help' isn't necessarily a one way thing, and the most positive way of looking at things is often a collaboration.

By the way, the Samaritans (116 123) don't fall into any of the above groups, but may be the easiest or only people you feel you can talk to sometimes.