Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
So begin with, since birth ive never been the 'same' as everyone else. Everything Ive wanted to do i become extremely obsessed with, so obsessed i dont care about amything or anyone on life apart from that paticular subject i am focused on. I dont care about seeing friends or family all i want to do is focus, research all day, and live my life around that paticular subject. subjects i dont wanna do. i fail and i dont care. subject i want to do i learn to the extreme, i have to know absolutely everything in tjat paticular subject. Ive never known anything different from this until people tell me its not normal, and even then i still do not see this a problem. For example, since i started fitness when i 14, i am now 24 years old. And i have to drink exactly 4 litres of water a day, eat exactly 6 meals meals, the same foods. I dont care whether i am at work or whatever if i have to eat i will eat. If i cannot eat at the exact time i will become extremely stressed and angry like the worst thing in the world has happened (and to me it is)...my current obsessions, i study IT programming etc 12 hours a day which ive been doing for 5 years and dont stop. From the momment i wake up i think about something new or a problem to fix or something in It. Since birth, i cannot touch or think about certain objects at all such as sand or polystyrene , loud noises such as drills, power tools will send me into pure rage until they stop. I have to cover my ears if i hear any if these noises. I also have to constantly flex my hands and wrists about every 2 minutes like an obsession. I have nightmares most nights since birth. When i am in a dream i know im dreaming and can walk about freely in a dream and control it like as if i was awake in real life. I have just started uni, and i dont ever socialize, i dont really know how to to be honest. The only way i can socialize is if i drink a bottle of Jack Daniels. I prefer to eat lunch alone and not speak to anyone, i also dont really smile unless i really know someone and they smile and talk to me first..which leads to everyone asking me if im depressed....i have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression when i was 17 but i now believe it is more than this.......i have taken these online asperges tests and they all say basicly i 100 percent have asperges....the main reason for me suddenly talking about it is because my new uni tutor pulled me aside a few days ago and asked if i suffered with depression. So i said no. She then asked me if i have autism or asperges or any related problems and that i should talk about it if i do....of course i said no because nobody professional has ever told me i have. I want to go to doctors because my way of life and my obsessions will probably end me up in some sort problem one day, and tbh theu have been a problem all my life loosing friends etc. .....i jist feel embarassed going to doctors because i feel as if there going to just think im lying or just send me away as this is the feeling i get from doctors. Any advice on what to do would be great. Thanks
I should also mention, i can look people in the eyes for about 2-3 seconds if i really push myself. But if someone is talking to me with direct eye contact such as my uni tutor, i cannot look them, i have to look at them for a second. Look down at a pen for 5 seconds. Eye contact for 2 seconds. Down at the same pen for 5 seconds. And i believe this is a reason for her concern
Same here. In fact, 2 seconds for me would be 'normal' eye contact. Anything else is extremely uncomfortable - or, rather, impossible. I'd say you are one of us for sure