Published on 12, July, 2020
Did anyone else find the Chris Packham show (https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b09b1zbb/chris-packham-aspergers-and-me) worrying?
Had Chris chosen to be single, I would have applauded every aspect of this show and agreed wholeheartedly with his horror at the 'curative treatments' he witnessed in the USA / sentiment that his Aspergers was an intrinsic and positive part of his make-up.
But he isn't single, and I was horrified at how casually the show treated the dysfunction in his relationship with Charlotte.
He admitted to having difficulty in empathizing with other humans. The only feeling he expressed for Charlotte was gratitude that SHE loved HIM; he showed her no affection, avoided physical contact with her, said that he only knew how long they'd been together because she had told him (10 years), aggressively forced her to greet his dog before he otherwise acknowledged her after a significant period of time apart... for her part she acknowledged many difficulties in the relationship but the show presented her concluding that it was worth it because she so admired how his mind works. Was that just editing? Can it really be enough? Surely anyone can admire how his mind works, it doesn't mean that you have to be in an exclusive 'romantic' relationship / 'partnership' with that person to witness it.
I worry for her enormously, because I am only just now recovering from a "catastrophic" end to a relationship with a man on the Autism Spectrum. I wrote on this forum about it last year. The short version of it is that I supported him for years, and he ended our relationship a few hours after my Dad's traumatic death because HE found it too intense.
There was more too, but beyond the scope of this post. It's impossible to express the psychological impact these events have had on me, it was devastation upon devastation. That was about a year and a half ago. It has been a very tough time and although I'm starting to pull through now, my own mental health has been in the toilet for most of it.
What is a relationship for if not reciprocal intimacy and support? The show completely glossed over his really unpleasant attitude to humans in general, and Charlotte in particular. In addition, I'm concerned that the show may have given the impression that treating a partner with such disdain is acceptable. It's not.
I completely agree that Aspergers has unique potential to offer a whole other set of intellectual skills which are of enormous value to humanity, but it is my opinion that it is irresponsible for someone who does not have the capacity for human empathy to be involved in a romantic relationship.
I worry about the last para as it makes a huge generalisation, something I think is very dangerous when talking about anyone on the autism spectrum. It’s a spectrum for a reason, everyone on it is unique in where they fit, hence such a global statement about being irresponsible to have a relationship is frankly rubbish.
i accept that for some it is incredibly difficult to have a relationship. I was married for 18 yrs and every day was a challenge but I tried very hard to make it work. My wife left me three weeks after my diagnosis so I’m happy to accept it obviously wasn’t enough!
That said we have three beautiful children and I spend a huge amount of time with them. Yes I can’t always understand why their upset, nor why I sometimes answer the way I do. But if any of them asked if I would go to their graduation I’d be there with bells on. Hating every second of the noise, lights and people but it would be important to me to support them.
I would do the same for my ex even now. Since she left there has been a gap in my life. I don’t understand why but she’s now there when I want to share things with her, I still cook meals for her and drop them round sometimes, I still buy her flowers on occasion and help her choose dresses. Why? Because it makes her feel good and I like that.
I accept I’m more than likely destined to be single for the rest of my life but whether or not I meet the qualification and definition of ‘love’ whatever that is isn’t the point. The point is if two people of differing skills, temperaments, and even interests can find a space to share and spend they’re time together who are we to judge.
Otherwise where do you stop? By the time you’ve banned narcissists, politicians, lawyers and all the other groups who can’t possibly enjoy a mutually loving relationship there won’t be many left....