Published on 12, July, 2020
Did anyone else find the Chris Packham show (https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b09b1zbb/chris-packham-aspergers-and-me) worrying?
Had Chris chosen to be single, I would have applauded every aspect of this show and agreed wholeheartedly with his horror at the 'curative treatments' he witnessed in the USA / sentiment that his Aspergers was an intrinsic and positive part of his make-up.
But he isn't single, and I was horrified at how casually the show treated the dysfunction in his relationship with Charlotte.
He admitted to having difficulty in empathizing with other humans. The only feeling he expressed for Charlotte was gratitude that SHE loved HIM; he showed her no affection, avoided physical contact with her, said that he only knew how long they'd been together because she had told him (10 years), aggressively forced her to greet his dog before he otherwise acknowledged her after a significant period of time apart... for her part she acknowledged many difficulties in the relationship but the show presented her concluding that it was worth it because she so admired how his mind works. Was that just editing? Can it really be enough? Surely anyone can admire how his mind works, it doesn't mean that you have to be in an exclusive 'romantic' relationship / 'partnership' with that person to witness it.
I worry for her enormously, because I am only just now recovering from a "catastrophic" end to a relationship with a man on the Autism Spectrum. I wrote on this forum about it last year. The short version of it is that I supported him for years, and he ended our relationship a few hours after my Dad's traumatic death because HE found it too intense.
There was more too, but beyond the scope of this post. It's impossible to express the psychological impact these events have had on me, it was devastation upon devastation. That was about a year and a half ago. It has been a very tough time and although I'm starting to pull through now, my own mental health has been in the toilet for most of it.
What is a relationship for if not reciprocal intimacy and support? The show completely glossed over his really unpleasant attitude to humans in general, and Charlotte in particular. In addition, I'm concerned that the show may have given the impression that treating a partner with such disdain is acceptable. It's not.
I completely agree that Aspergers has unique potential to offer a whole other set of intellectual skills which are of enormous value to humanity, but it is my opinion that it is irresponsible for someone who does not have the capacity for human empathy to be involved in a romantic relationship.
I am really truly sorry that your relationship didn't work out, i can see how hurt you are and feeling let down. As an example of other individuals and how your experience is not possible to stereotype......I am an NT (whatever that is!!) and i am in a cohabiting, good relationship with my HF Autistic partner. We aren't married but that's only because i don't like the institution of marriage. We are committed in every other way, going on for 15 years. We have two kids, one is an exact a carbon copy of my partner and one is very much like me, so we are continuing the array of good and tricky traits we both have in different areas. Of course, we've had our fair share of ups and downs and difficulties, as all relationships do have, when life sends us down a bendy road of chaos and unpredictability, we have to respond as best we can! It's taken a while for me to make sense of some of my partner's occasionally mysterious behaviours and sometimes hurtful responses, we didn't know he was on the spectrum until we realised that our child was. Now those areas all start to make sense and some of the responses my partner has, which were unexpected to me, i now understand in a new light. When i've had difficult times, it is hard for my partner to emotionally be there for me, but he does everything he can to help in other areas, he solves other problems and logistics and issues which sit around the 'emotional centre' enabling me to focus entirely on my emotional issue whilst managing the chaos surrounding it. I am quite emotionally stable and self reliant and so maybe i'm not so in need of emotional support, i don't know - i'm certainly full of empathy but i am no victim and i don't feel like i'm living with any vampires! I have friends and family if i need other support, but honestly i rarely do. I can't see that this is any different for any partnership, no one is good at everything, no one has a full emotional tool box, in fact most of my friends complain about their husbands not understanding their emotional needs!!! In our relationship we have strengths and weaknesses in different areas and can therefore be stronger together, we are a compliment in almost everything, he covers my blind spots and i cover his, we are a team and sometimes he pisses me off and sometimes i piss him off. Compared to what goes on in other relationships, i feel very lucky, even without the instinctive empathy part!! It goes without saying, he is capable of self reflection and self awareness and we can often joke about issues and resolve our differences, even if it starts with a lack of understanding or reluctance, no different to anyone. I absolutely admire my partner and my sons. We are most definitely in the right relationship and it has no bearing whether we are NT or ASC, we are simply the right fit. I hope you can see that we are all individuals and that the ability to respond instinctively by imagining yourself in someone else's shoes, although is important, is not a show stopper - it certainly does not exclude that individual from feeling deep love, being sensitive and feeling attachment and ALL the other feelings which we all share, both for themselves and for others, on any part of the spectrum of life. I didn't want to share this as a criticism but as an honest example of one relationship which works in spite of and maybe because of our neurological differences!! Good luck in your future relationships xx