Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I'm looking for some advice here. I've got a friend who I've known for ages. Probably over 15 years or more. He's a bit older then me (47). He comes from a family where both his brother and nephew have both been diagnosed as being autistic or at least are on the AS. His situation is complicated by the fact that he also has severe epilepsy.
He used to hold down a full time job but was made redundant a while back and hasn't worked since. He used to be quite outgoing and you could have a conversation with him but now he seems really withdrawn and often doesn't go out of his house for days on end. He lives in a high rise block in Coventry. He often can't verbalise what his needs are. He recently ran out of tablets to control his epilepsy for 5 days and wasn't able to explain this to anyone. His sister is his main carer. She's under a lot of stress trying to look after him. His Dad died in an accident a few years ago and his mum is not in the best health either.
He is fixated on certain subjects such as astronomy and finds it hard to make eye contact and sometimes doesn't really seem to take in what you are trying to tell him, although this could be partly due to his medication for epilepsy. He's got issues with hygiene too. but he's my mate and I feel that I ought to be doing something to help him but I'm not sure what.
He doesn't have a diagnosis and when his sister has tried to broach the possibility that he might be autistic, my friend doesn't really take it on board. What I'd like to know if getting a diagnosis might actually unlock opportunities for my friend. He doesn't have any social life and seems just to go out of his house to check his bank balance and spend time in Ikea where you can get free coffee in the cafe.
Does anyone else think that a diagnosis might help him? I know it will cost money but if we thought that a diagnosis might help we could look at how to fund this....
Thanks in advance!
Hi
It's a subjective answer obviously, but I wouldn't expect too much of a benefit from putting your friend through a diagnostic process, especially if he doesn't really want that himself (even if you could perhaps persuade him). There isn't much support available for adults and if he doesn't really want to be part of a group of people that have in common that they are autistic to some extent then some of the few things that may be available may not really give him much (like that social group for instance). On the other hand, for other things that may help (like this forum) you don't need a diagnosis, it's enough to identify with it (although some may have a different opinion on that at times, but generally it's not a problem, I'd think). It's also not terribly pleasant a process to go through, not necessarily because of the "examination" being painful (although it can be, because there's a lot of digging around in stuff you may prefer not to think too much about) but it's also a very lengthy process and often people have to fight to get assessed in first place. Then, if you were tested positive, you get a letter listing all your shortcomings, also some positive things, but they don't seem very positive in that context really, and that's it for a long time then. So in the worst case it may make your friend feel even less like getting out of the house and mixing with others.
But then, he may well be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, but if he has been a lot more outgoing in the past and now that he hasn't had a job for a long time he is not like this anymore, it may perhaps be more a result of being depressed? One doesn't exclude the other and each can certainly make the problems the other one causes a lot worse, but at that age there's a lot more that can be done to help with being depressed than with autism. Somehow people often seem to think if someone isn't doing well the best support will be to make some doctor sorting it, but there are many things doctors don't sort, partly because it's just not possible and partly because there's not enough money, time, knowledge... Some of those things are much better done by friends though, because doctors don't give you a hug, they just hand you tissues if you cry, they don't take you for a walk or to a football match or the cinema or for a coffee or whatever. They also don't have the time to listen to you much, also counsellors don't. Maybe try to do things with him that he used to enjoy, maybe start with something that doesn't involve crowds or requires a lot of energy as he may genuinely not be up for that, but don't wait for him to ask if you would perhaps do such things with him because he may not be able to imagine that he can enjoy it. Over time the things we enjoy change of course, so you need to try and find out what he would perhaps like to do, or if he'd like to talk about what's going on, but it's both not that easy, so don't see it as a rejection if he doesn't know and doesn't want to talk. You can't force him obviously, but don't make it too easy for him to not do anything. And do come back again after doing something, also if you found him too quiet or not looking like he enjoyed it as much as you hoped. Don't expect anything, certainly not some rapid improvement or huge gratefulness, but it may slowly help and at least it won't do him harm.
Some mental health advisor said people that are depressed need an extra portion of love (no worries, not in an erotic sense). Keep that in mind, it's also not doing any harm if he isn't actually depressed.