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Memories of being young?

) (
over 7 years ago

Hello all,been doing a fair bit of talking to my dear wife just lately and keep coming up with lots of strange things that don't add up.

I can remember times that were not nice but very little happiness, I realise most people forget things about childhood especially when my age 54.

I had issues and when I got into my late teens I theorised I had dyslexic traits,it answered many questions but not all,it helped me go forward in life.fast forward 54 years and I find out about autism,it was a revelation in my life,it was my life.

I thought my dyslexia idea must be wrong but recently found that there can be a connection.

After talking about My recollections my wife says "are you sure as that doesn't make sense?" Things I never gave much credence too.

I was born in 1962 and things were different then.

For instance I do remember always being at home with mum or waiting for a bus to go shopping,nothing strange about that, but I had a younger sister and a brother who was only eighteen months older! So where were they? Why was I at home so often?

I was kept back at infant school and the kids I knew all left to go to big school, I was told it was because my birthday was early September. I was the oldest child from then on I also had a school full of strange new faces. I don't remember much about infant school,mostly teachers shouting at me,making me cry for not doing my work,being lazy or not concentrating,

I do remember some happy times but so few.being allowed to go collect our milk from the staff room with a sack truck.being in the big shed helping the caretaker clean out cages for hamsters rabbits etc,he was deaf and dumb but we got on ok.

I remember being in one class sat on the floor drawing around shapes,tins boxes but nothing free hand,the other kids were sat working with the teacher but I was not involved?

I also remember bits of a family meeting that ended with my whole family in tears,we stormed out and I was then told how it was all my fault? I wasn't upset until my siblings started saying I didn't care as I wasn't upset.

There are so many things that don't add up but I have a big question and hope I can word it so as not to upset anyone here.

Say for instance if I had been non verbal? Or just unable to function normally? Maybe in a world of my own? Back then labelled as retarded. There are a lot worse words which I don't want to put on here but back then there weren't any options.

So are there any adults here that basically knew nothing of the issues they had when young? It's as if I only woke up later in school. 

Could I have been so poor functioning and not known it?

A big for instance was when I went to big school, All the kids were getting excited and I asked"why are you all excited and packing everything away?" The reply was "it's Friday!" I asked what that was about? The response was "are you thick or what?we get the weekend off". I asked why was that,was it holiday time?. I was laughed at and ridiculed by the kids.

I had no recollection of weekends! I had no concept of time. Life was one big blur of hurt and no understanding.

I hope I haven't put something that causes hurt but I have tried to explain.

many thanks.

Parents
  • over 7 years ago

    Hello Lonewarrior. I hope your day is going well. You do talk about some interesting things which provoke memories I usually keep locked away. Like others my memories of growing up are patchy with an underlying feeling of not belonging and having no idea why I didn't enjoy things like others seemed to do. Some of which have been mentioned by others like being overwhelmed and upset at other children's birthday parties, not fitting in or understanding the rules at school, being flat footed and heavy handed in sport/games/writing, not keeping up with the writing on the blackboard, making a mess with ink pens, not being able to use the monkey bars, not understanding "teasing" , being shy, over sensitive ( hiding behind the sofa for dr who and cowboys and Indians) etc etc Luckily I went to small schools where I struggled but was middle of the road. And everyone knew everyone in the village. When I eventually did go to follow a degree course I used to write absolutely everything the lecturer said down ; I couldn't paraphrase or keep up. No laptops then all hand written which was difficult. Other students had nice neat notes, catalogued and coded and I could never understand how they did it or had the time ( and had social lives). I didn't fit in there either. My one and only teaching post ( special ed)was a disaster. I was sharing a classroom with another teacher. Ironically I had autistic children in my group. But the head and deputy head didn't believe in autism so wouldn't let me get extra training to help me teach them! Little did I know. But I had a strong affinity with them. I couldn't cope in the end and had a nervous breakdown ( another). The  other day was my sisters birthday and she said she'd had xx number of years putting up with me and when my brother was home he said he'd given up a long time ago trying to understand me. It doesn't make me feel good to know I took up too much room in the family in their eyes. My turn not to manage technology, trying to quote you.. blur of hurt and misunderstanding is how I remember my childhood too. But I was extremely lucky to grow up in very rural countryside and farm life all around me. The seasons and farm year was my security and routine and I loved the animals. So I talked to the animals,walked the fields and mostly spent time with my mother. Warrior I'm very glad for you that your family unit of wife, daughters and grandchild is strong. I haven't been able to closely reflect on all my years in relation to my diagnosis because it's too painful. But as you have said before I keep reading things which fit my life and experience which I never imagined would happen to anyone else and it is healing. I always felt such a fool to not enjoy parties as a child or adult because everyone enjoys parties don't they? But yes that was me the one in the kitchen, the one happier washing up than talking to people or finding that I was being loud because I felt out of place. Teenage years weren't fun either! I made a lot of mistakes. Ok. Today I am tired because I have been making an effort to see people and also avoiding thinking about how to change my life and tackle the practical things I need to do. So I'm waffling and might be off topic a bit but I think it fits together.. 

  • over 7 years ago in reply to Misfit61

    Hi missy what amazing writing,I am glad some of my thoughts evoke memories for you,I do hope they don't bring to many bad things to mind?

    Isn't it strange how much of our lives run parralel to one another.Some things are different like monkey bars!I was very good in fact with physical things, school football and rugby team even though I never took any kit,I had to wear oversized stuff from the "spares" box.

    One teacher was so annoyed at me not wanting to join in he said"right we are going to play rugby this lesson,two teams"and pointed to one lad and said "you pick your team and I will pick mine" so the lad picked his mate,teacher said "I pick him(meaning me)and the lad picked another lad,the teacher then said I pick him(meaning me again. This went on until all the kids were in one team and me and him made up the other side?

    It was very full on as every time he got the ball he threw it to me,at the end of play in terrential rain I was brown with mud,my borrowed clothes were ripped,I was battered and bruised but we had won.I scored most of the tries to. My mum was mad as I was pure wet mud.the teacher thought he had beaten me! But it was one of the happiest memories I have,me against all those boys and proving to him he could not defeat me. I was a hero for quite a while,which helped.

    I did enjoy sport but didn't want to do it?very strange but true?to much team work and I never got picked and I never felt part of the team I was on.

    I hope your day wasn't to long?big hug missy.

  • over 7 years ago in reply to ) (

    Thanks for the hug warrior. Yes there are all sorts of unexpected overlaps with people. There is a radio programme about teenage diaries Celebrities read out sections of their childhood diaries and at the end it asks " and what you tell your younger self ?" It's a different perspective thinking about telling our younger selves something. Not sure what I'd say tho.  I needed to rest today so it was sort of long. But good news I'm going to get some help decorating where I the work done which is a relief. How was your day? 

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  • over 7 years ago in reply to ) (

    Thanks for the hug warrior. Yes there are all sorts of unexpected overlaps with people. There is a radio programme about teenage diaries Celebrities read out sections of their childhood diaries and at the end it asks " and what you tell your younger self ?" It's a different perspective thinking about telling our younger selves something. Not sure what I'd say tho.  I needed to rest today so it was sort of long. But good news I'm going to get some help decorating where I the work done which is a relief. How was your day? 

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