Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,been doing a fair bit of talking to my dear wife just lately and keep coming up with lots of strange things that don't add up.
I can remember times that were not nice but very little happiness, I realise most people forget things about childhood especially when my age 54.
I had issues and when I got into my late teens I theorised I had dyslexic traits,it answered many questions but not all,it helped me go forward in life.fast forward 54 years and I find out about autism,it was a revelation in my life,it was my life.
I thought my dyslexia idea must be wrong but recently found that there can be a connection.
After talking about My recollections my wife says "are you sure as that doesn't make sense?" Things I never gave much credence too.
I was born in 1962 and things were different then.
For instance I do remember always being at home with mum or waiting for a bus to go shopping,nothing strange about that, but I had a younger sister and a brother who was only eighteen months older! So where were they? Why was I at home so often?
I was kept back at infant school and the kids I knew all left to go to big school, I was told it was because my birthday was early September. I was the oldest child from then on I also had a school full of strange new faces. I don't remember much about infant school,mostly teachers shouting at me,making me cry for not doing my work,being lazy or not concentrating,
I do remember some happy times but so few.being allowed to go collect our milk from the staff room with a sack truck.being in the big shed helping the caretaker clean out cages for hamsters rabbits etc,he was deaf and dumb but we got on ok.
I remember being in one class sat on the floor drawing around shapes,tins boxes but nothing free hand,the other kids were sat working with the teacher but I was not involved?
I also remember bits of a family meeting that ended with my whole family in tears,we stormed out and I was then told how it was all my fault? I wasn't upset until my siblings started saying I didn't care as I wasn't upset.
There are so many things that don't add up but I have a big question and hope I can word it so as not to upset anyone here.
Say for instance if I had been non verbal? Or just unable to function normally? Maybe in a world of my own? Back then labelled as retarded. There are a lot worse words which I don't want to put on here but back then there weren't any options.
So are there any adults here that basically knew nothing of the issues they had when young? It's as if I only woke up later in school.
Could I have been so poor functioning and not known it?
A big for instance was when I went to big school, All the kids were getting excited and I asked"why are you all excited and packing everything away?" The reply was "it's Friday!" I asked what that was about? The response was "are you thick or what?we get the weekend off". I asked why was that,was it holiday time?. I was laughed at and ridiculed by the kids.
I had no recollection of weekends! I had no concept of time. Life was one big blur of hurt and no understanding.
I hope I haven't put something that causes hurt but I have tried to explain.
many thanks.
Lone, have you undertaken any research into autism and trauma? https://autismcitizen.org/autism-and-trauma/
Thank you ele I just had a look,very interesting and worth exploring.
I had many occasions when teachers were really nasty to me,I mean in my face shouting and that was in infant school, I was laughed at by other kids for having to go to the staff room, to imbarrassed to say why but most autistic folks may know?
When the Dorset steam fair had finished we went back to our car and as everybody was queuing to go out we sat in the shade and had a cup of tea, after a while a group of adults turned up opposite us,two blokes mid twenties started egging each other on with fists held up,one was heavily drunk the other was a loud mouth and coward as he ran away,the drunk was determined to have him no matter what,others in the family,dad,female partners tried to hold him back,he hit his own brother and put him on his back.it took four to hold him down,the coward grabbed a little boy from one of the cars,it was the drunks son,he then held him as some kind of defence! I grabbed everything quick and drove off,all that happened in a minute. We reported it to security and told them toddlers were involved.
Now as soon as it started I was shaking and froze, I still keep getting flash backs and it still effects me, My work mates actually look for videos of this rubbish? When they say"hey watch this" I just say "no thanks there is enough violence and wrong I don't need to fill my head with any more.
I did have a few fights when I was a bit older but not through choice,I was wrongly seen as top dog? So got challenged from time to time, I got beaten quite bad but always won, by which I didn't hit or kick just held them and said,STOP now enough is enough. My elder brother and his tuff mates protected me which meant I was also tuff? Just an illusion.but if I didn't fight I would have been picked on constantly.
I will give it some thought as understanding a problem can sometimes help to come to terms with it.
You are a very caring and understanding lady,big hug.
It is something to bear in mind in a world that can be very frightening.
i've been smacked multiple times (father), punched (night out), physically hurt (husband) in my time etc and this with the ASD means a hell of a lot of processing...
hang in there...people can be frightening, scary, ugly and hideous, but they also surprise by being lovely too x
It certainly is. Is it any more understood now?
That is a very interesting read but why why why oh why was it not spotted earlier??? That is one of the most recurrent themes on this forum - the history of misdiagnosis - ECT/medication!!! It isn't like she was born in the fifties like me when the condition simply wasn't understood.
It is a valuable skilset and to have. Someone has to keep an eye on the detail. I use to manage a team of a dozen people and everyone brought something equally valuable and unique to the team, which is why it worked - the pedant, the rule breaker, the conformist and the dreamer all have something to contribute.
Hope I got at least a B+ for spelling and grammar and a fair grade for the sentiment :)
Indeed but usually the term pedant is used with some critical overtones by NT folk.
Nice article about two sisters growing up today in the Guardian newspaper. One was diagnosed as autistic as a young woman. They talk about growing up together and the strategies that they now use to connect to each other.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/02/my-autism-hasnt-stopped-me-connecting-with-my-sister