Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,been doing a fair bit of talking to my dear wife just lately and keep coming up with lots of strange things that don't add up.
I can remember times that were not nice but very little happiness, I realise most people forget things about childhood especially when my age 54.
I had issues and when I got into my late teens I theorised I had dyslexic traits,it answered many questions but not all,it helped me go forward in life.fast forward 54 years and I find out about autism,it was a revelation in my life,it was my life.
I thought my dyslexia idea must be wrong but recently found that there can be a connection.
After talking about My recollections my wife says "are you sure as that doesn't make sense?" Things I never gave much credence too.
I was born in 1962 and things were different then.
For instance I do remember always being at home with mum or waiting for a bus to go shopping,nothing strange about that, but I had a younger sister and a brother who was only eighteen months older! So where were they? Why was I at home so often?
I was kept back at infant school and the kids I knew all left to go to big school, I was told it was because my birthday was early September. I was the oldest child from then on I also had a school full of strange new faces. I don't remember much about infant school,mostly teachers shouting at me,making me cry for not doing my work,being lazy or not concentrating,
I do remember some happy times but so few.being allowed to go collect our milk from the staff room with a sack truck.being in the big shed helping the caretaker clean out cages for hamsters rabbits etc,he was deaf and dumb but we got on ok.
I remember being in one class sat on the floor drawing around shapes,tins boxes but nothing free hand,the other kids were sat working with the teacher but I was not involved?
I also remember bits of a family meeting that ended with my whole family in tears,we stormed out and I was then told how it was all my fault? I wasn't upset until my siblings started saying I didn't care as I wasn't upset.
There are so many things that don't add up but I have a big question and hope I can word it so as not to upset anyone here.
Say for instance if I had been non verbal? Or just unable to function normally? Maybe in a world of my own? Back then labelled as retarded. There are a lot worse words which I don't want to put on here but back then there weren't any options.
So are there any adults here that basically knew nothing of the issues they had when young? It's as if I only woke up later in school.
Could I have been so poor functioning and not known it?
A big for instance was when I went to big school, All the kids were getting excited and I asked"why are you all excited and packing everything away?" The reply was "it's Friday!" I asked what that was about? The response was "are you thick or what?we get the weekend off". I asked why was that,was it holiday time?. I was laughed at and ridiculed by the kids.
I had no recollection of weekends! I had no concept of time. Life was one big blur of hurt and no understanding.
I hope I haven't put something that causes hurt but I have tried to explain.
many thanks.
Lonewarrior said: I had no recollection of weekends! I had no concept of time. Life was one big blur of hurt and no understanding.
Basically there are two types of sensibility, one is spatial and the other is linear, and linear systems of sequential memory that are learnt from others cannot cope with the spatial type of memory, hence many people forget their childhood experiences as the linear sensibility develops.
Unless your home life as a child was particularly traumatic and therefore the memories of which got suppressed, it might well be that your spatial sensibilities could not be suppressed, as is not unusual for at least some autistic people ~ with your linear memory developing and working more at school, whilst your spatial memory did so at home, hence the lack of memories maybe?
Hi deepthought ,life at home was pretty good apart from my dad favouring his mates more than us,when he was home he was easy going and allowed us to pretty much find our own way in life,he was very intelligent and very caring, he just cared a bit to much for his mates, he was a shop steward in a union and spent a lot of his time focused on their issues, he liked the social scene which meant pubs,darts,aunt sally,dominoes you name it he did it,we had hard times with no luxuries.He would come home late and drunk and he and mum would row.things were thrown across the room,but despite this we were truly happy. School was horrid,I hated it,it hated me.
Money was tight, I never had new clothes just hand me downs and jumble sale clothing, don't get me wrong I loved old clothes and the thrill of finding something I liked in the local spastic shop was awesome. I loved that shop full of smells and each item had a past.I used to hide behind the racks of clothing lol.also the army and navy shop used to be very cheap back then, I had military shirts and trousers, I wore them out and literally lived in them,I had school photos wearing them! I looked like a communist child?
I remember we fostered a young boy for quite a few months,there is a picture of me and my brother and him in the middle of us,he was from Nigeria,his mum and dad had to go back to Nigeria suddenly and left him with us,I don't remember it as such as I was very young but the stories and pictures are there.
I did have to wear leg braces in bed as my legs were bowed(still are)and my only memories are not being able to get out of bed to go to toilet,later my mum used to tell me how the sharp buckles ripped the sheets so she would wrap towels around my legs,The brace was two half gutter type metal bits joined together,it had thick straps that pulled tight and hooked onto buckles.there were sharp hooks inside to stop movement in the padding.
when I was a bit older I used to sit at the bottom of our stairs listening to the TVs,I also could sneak into the living room unnoticed and hide behind the sofa.quite often falling asleep there. I liked hiding,in cupboards,behind coats,behind armchairs.I hated bedtime,could never sleep to Order.I still only sleep when exhausted as my mind won't shut down.
flipping heck just realised all my writing. I must stop spilling my life out.
tempted to delete it,,,,,,,,,but to much effort for that. Sorry folks.
Deepthought said:flipping heck just realised all my writing. I must stop spilling my life out.
No, don't stop. It's good to talk. Your memories are reminding me of things that happened to me at the same time. I remember going to other children's parties and just being baffled by the rules of the party games. I remember my mum saying that I was "just shy" which would have been in response to another parent's questions about me. I never really understood that I was different but different is what I was!
Thank you all for being so understanding,the things I write are memories that most people find boring! I must admit it gives me a weird funny warm feeling knowing I wasn't the only child going through this stuff.
I think you are all fantastic,keep up the chatter,we all need friends who by being virtual aren't High maintenance,we can choose when we want to chat,no pressure no expectations,just being our wacky selves.
I get bursts of brain energy hence the long posts,but some days I can hardly summon up the energy to look on here. Some of you may notice that on a good day I appear very fluent and articulate. Other days I cannot structure a sentence and my spelling goes down hill.my mind is just all mixed up.
This also happens at work! Some days I am amazingly quick to respond with quick replies to any issue,other days I rely on keeping my head down and telling my guys so they can support me and at times come up with the order we do things.
Big hugs to all from Dorset steam fair.major mind melt time but getting by.I just try to shut the chaos out.
Churning up the positive and negative..but fine
enjoy your break captain W