Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,been doing a fair bit of talking to my dear wife just lately and keep coming up with lots of strange things that don't add up.
I can remember times that were not nice but very little happiness, I realise most people forget things about childhood especially when my age 54.
I had issues and when I got into my late teens I theorised I had dyslexic traits,it answered many questions but not all,it helped me go forward in life.fast forward 54 years and I find out about autism,it was a revelation in my life,it was my life.
I thought my dyslexia idea must be wrong but recently found that there can be a connection.
After talking about My recollections my wife says "are you sure as that doesn't make sense?" Things I never gave much credence too.
I was born in 1962 and things were different then.
For instance I do remember always being at home with mum or waiting for a bus to go shopping,nothing strange about that, but I had a younger sister and a brother who was only eighteen months older! So where were they? Why was I at home so often?
I was kept back at infant school and the kids I knew all left to go to big school, I was told it was because my birthday was early September. I was the oldest child from then on I also had a school full of strange new faces. I don't remember much about infant school,mostly teachers shouting at me,making me cry for not doing my work,being lazy or not concentrating,
I do remember some happy times but so few.being allowed to go collect our milk from the staff room with a sack truck.being in the big shed helping the caretaker clean out cages for hamsters rabbits etc,he was deaf and dumb but we got on ok.
I remember being in one class sat on the floor drawing around shapes,tins boxes but nothing free hand,the other kids were sat working with the teacher but I was not involved?
I also remember bits of a family meeting that ended with my whole family in tears,we stormed out and I was then told how it was all my fault? I wasn't upset until my siblings started saying I didn't care as I wasn't upset.
There are so many things that don't add up but I have a big question and hope I can word it so as not to upset anyone here.
Say for instance if I had been non verbal? Or just unable to function normally? Maybe in a world of my own? Back then labelled as retarded. There are a lot worse words which I don't want to put on here but back then there weren't any options.
So are there any adults here that basically knew nothing of the issues they had when young? It's as if I only woke up later in school.
Could I have been so poor functioning and not known it?
A big for instance was when I went to big school, All the kids were getting excited and I asked"why are you all excited and packing everything away?" The reply was "it's Friday!" I asked what that was about? The response was "are you thick or what?we get the weekend off". I asked why was that,was it holiday time?. I was laughed at and ridiculed by the kids.
I had no recollection of weekends! I had no concept of time. Life was one big blur of hurt and no understanding.
I hope I haven't put something that causes hurt but I have tried to explain.
many thanks.
'62 was the worst winter!
My experience as a child was different but the same. Things didn't make sense to me in some ways at the time - I remember a teacher saying to me, when I was 10, that I always looked serious. For some reason I remembered it for 50 years but was only able to understand it in the light of a diagnosis. I remember desperately wanting to be in the junior school football team, checking the team sheet pinned to the groundsman's shed every week and never understanding why I was never picked. It turns out I am marginally dyspraxic (clumsy) which is another thing that goes with autism. Obviously I had no understanding of how bad I was at football!
Autism wasn't understood in schools at that time. We would have been uncooperative kids who just didn't get things like other kids. The cane would have been used a lot and life would have been miserable.
Your memories would be very sketchy, I can only remember isolated fragments - playing with my brother when I must have been 3 or 4, traumatic memories of one incident where I was struggling to carry a tray of drinks, but the memories are of a few seconds of time from years of life!
I suppose that being non-verbal is possible. I have read on the forum about children being silent and the suddenly talking.
Overall, your memories are exactly the sort of thing that they look for in autism diagnosis. I don't think that you should try and make too much sense of events that you couldn't understand.
Thank you for reading my post and trying to help, I never really thought much about these occurrences until recently. As usual I don't know when to shut up and any subject I find interesting gets my full attention beyond perceived normality.
Maybe I go on so much as apart from my wife I have no one to talk to?
I am a lonesome warrior.
The recent discovery of autism and how it hit me so very very hard and to see how it described my life. I am trying to piece together who I was? Talking it through with my wife brings up memories but most are painful and the only good ones were with my mum.
It was an article posted up on face book my a lady called violet fen on the scope website that changed things for me Her diagnosis was in her fourties but it was as if she had written a biography of my life. I had anger,joy,sadness and tears,it really blew my mind,it still makes me feel sad even now.
I need to know answers as I do in anything I do in life,
I am so very lucky that I get by relatively easy in life,it is a constant with me not just one thing,It wears me out just existing,I think as I have got older I notice things more,maybe with the girls left home and more free time,less stress at home.I still have major issues but having dealt with them all my life it has become less heightened.my wife would disagree as apparently most of what I do that upsets people I am not aware of.
I had a hissy fit about the lids on the teabag,sugar and coffee tins.stupid idea wrestling with lids each time I need something.plus they are at the back behind the kettle,hard to reach without burning ones arm.The list is endless,I have to have my cutlery,my cup,my oval plate,I only like certain foods all the time things should always be where I put them.I hate any sort of change including set routine for shopping etc.
I also think coincidentally joining a face book group from where i grew up has had a big effect,this was long before my suspicion of autism.
It stirs up memories and takes me back,hence memories fragmented but as I said before don't add up.
It amazes me that people on that group remember so much even those older than me,teachers names,other pupils names,specific dates,certain dates when something major happened etc. Me nothing at all on those lines.
Anyway been lining our shed out today well four days altogether! Kept my mind busy lots to do,flipping shed!nothing is square,nothing is upright and drives me mad,obviously built many years ago by someone it didn't worry!
fully insulated and plylined. My place to escape and relax,restoring old tools etc.
many thanks.big hugs to all.
I don't have many words right now Mr Warrior, but I empathise with your pain and you are not wearing out your space here as far as I can see.
Many of us have 40, 50, 60 ish years of misunderstanding of ourselves and from others. With the best will in the world that's a lot of what? stuff, baggage, undermined sense of self; complete lack of sense of self, confusion and sense of failure. It's a big hill to see and make peace with.
Thank you spotty tortoise I always feel guilty after writing so much.
There are so many here that have huge problems coping day to day and here I am banging on about old memories.
My mind just fills up and every now and then I let it all out.
I am not so harsh with myself since finding autism which is a big plus, I really tried hard to cross examine my belief I was autistic,Surely I must have heard about it before? Every time I come here I find yet more things which are me. I feel comfortable talking here,stuff I wouldn't dare talk about anywhere else.
It's really nice having people care about me, a very unusual concept I am not used to,at first I was wary of kindness and still am at times,been used to many times in the past, I assume anyone who listens to me must be best buddies, when will I realise just listening isn't a friend for life who I can confide in and won't let me down?
big hugs to all.
forgot to say that trying to not be autistic was to clear any doubt.I didn't want to create a syndrome, I am not ashamed to be autistic.