Published on 12, July, 2020
That's the best word for it, really. Scared. How I've always been. Scared of change. Scared of the unknown. Scared of my own shadow.
Following mum's passing in April, it was time for a lot of rest, recovery and reassessment. Everyone advises no big changes after something like this, and I wasn't especially planning any. But I wanted some certainty about my future. That was, and is, important.
My employer had terminated my full-time contract because of the length of time I was off - but they offered me a zero-hours bank contract, which was better in many ways. Pick and choose my hours. More flexibility. The downside would be working sometimes in areas of the business that don't appeal to me and I wouldn't really enjoy. I like day services. I like a 9 to 5 routine.
That's why I jumped at the chance again when I saw the local autistic trust advertising for a day support worker. Just 4 days a week, but still doable because it was a higher salary. Specialising in care for autistic people. Activities largely based around community involvement. All things I like. They interviewed me on the spot (they'd offered me a job last year, which I had to turn down because of mum, and they remembered me) - and they offered me the job straight away. Great. The stability I wanted. Change and having to get used to new people - but it all felt positive.
The downside was traveling (I could cycle to the old place) and the need to get a car because of the location. I picked up a car yesterday. First time I've had one for many years, and in some ways it's good to have that mobility and flexibility again, and not be tied to bus timetables and long bus journeys. Another big change for me - but again, it felt positive.
Until last night. We all know about 'middle-of-the-night syndrome', I guess. Waking at about 2.30... and suddenly finding your head full of crap! I laid there for about two hours, churning it all over, trying to use the techniques I'd been taught in CBT to diminish the anxiety - the fear. It worked to some extent, because I eventually managed to get back to a restless form of sleep. Wake-sleep would be a better way to describe it.
As usual, I was 'awful-ising' it all. What if it I don't like the job? What if I have problems with the car? What if I find it harder than I thought to get by on the money? (take-home will be on a par with the old place, once I take out traveling costs) What if? What if? What if? And then, on the other side, there was the old job - and the positives. A known quantity. Nearer to home, so no need for a car. Fitting right back in. And I was happy there - happier, really, than I've been in a workplace for many years. I used to cross the threshold to the park in the mornings (it's a huge estate) and feel.... safe. Protected. Happy. The downsides could probably be managed in such circumstances.
This is how it always goes. I suppose it's the same for everyone, ND or not. But there are a lot of factors at play with me. Is this too big a change, too soon? Is it right? Of course, I can't know until I try it. Of course, too - the thought that got me to sleep in the end - if it doesn't work out, I can always re-apply to the old place. They said they'd take me back. Then I can go back to how I was, sell the car again, etc.
I know I need to stretch myself and broaden my horizons. Lord knows, in recent years, I've closed myself in a bit.
Maybe I've answered my own questions. Addressed my own fears - to some extent, anyway.
I just wish this anxiety - which is like a living thing in me now - would go away.
Thanks for reading.
Tom
I have been looking at this thread for a few days. I think you are very brave and am sure your experience will be invaluable. I had carers for a while but they had no understanding of autism/Aspergers ND issues but I wasn't diagnosed then but would have made such a difference if they had. Hope it goes well and is one of those "this is the right thing for me" moments.
There is so much in it that is common with me. I am scared and anxious too especially the I'm struggling now what will happen in the future variety. But I keep telling myself to just deal with now.when my parents retired at 70 and therefore had to leave their tied home I had to leave the only place I felt safe in. The village and fields and trees were familiar and it was home. I have lived in this house 17 years in a small town but still doesn't feel home or the right place for me but I can't go back to where I grew up because it has moved on and changed too much. It's not like you said Martian Tom in some ways but it is in others; few local voices or people live there now ( they can't afford to), the farms in the village are gone, the paddocks are filling up with houses, and street kerbs and speed signs make the village ugly. I lost my last job due to ill health a few years ago and not got back to work since. It makes me feel inadequate and guilty because I'm not doing my bit and not trying hard enough. 3 years ago my mum died after we nursed her for 2yrs at home. I was helped enormously by CRUSE phoning me regularly for months. She was more my rock than I ever realised and I still miss her and grieve for her. My dad is still in the same town so we muddle along. But like you said Im here because they were/are and I don't know what I'll do when that's not a reason to be here. I do lots of awfulising/ over catastrophising and the night time is a prime time for that. I have had moments of happiness and certainly not all doom and gloom but I cannot remember the last time I could say I was happy in normal everyday living. The main places I feel happy are in the middle of nowhere on holiday/house sitting. There is something soothing and creative about being surrounded by nature. But sensibly I have to stay where there is “access to services “ because sometimes I can't leave the house or have energy to do things. I would love to have a dog but don't for the same reason. I have been invited to a friends celebration but it is a long way away. This would involve a journey on an unfamiliar route, to an unfamiliar place, to stay in unfamiliar accommodation, to then mix in a large group only knowing one or two people. Each of these things has become harder for me until I have boxed myself in as I just find they make me extremely anxious and then exhausted and sometimes think an even keel is preferable. But then if I don't go out of my comfort zone what's life for if I miss out on a variety of experiences just because I'm too scared to try and fear of being overwhelmed and what I'm going to break or inappropriate thing that Im going to say as usually happens.... even anxious about posting this but if you guys don't understand who will? Thanks
Hi Misfit, perhaps suggest visiting them some other time when it's only your friends and you? O.k., the journey and all this is still the same, but once there it would be much quieter and probably more your kind of thing. That may also make the stress with the journey seem more bearable.
I don't have too much trouble with travelling but really don't like being with large groups, I just sit there a bit lost and say very little... So if someone invites me I often find some kind of (true but not particularly important) excuse but then suggest coming later. Usually that works well for both of us and we get chance to go for a walk or something and have a relaxed chat, rather than sitting around in some busy restaurant or so and them running around trying to spend a little bit of time with everybody and not missing anyone.
Yes I think I might well try to do that instead.. however on the reverse side it is overwhelming and I prefer the quiet but it takes the pressure off me in a group as you can listen to others or take time out.. I'll think about it some more.
Hi JEP,
Thanks for your kind comments. Still waiting to start the new job because they had to renew the DBS. Seems daft as my current one is only 10 months old - and it's for the same company! But there it is. It's just the waiting game. Could be a couple of weeks. Could be a couple of months.
I think you're right about the new employer. I tend to get myself into a state about such things - but at the moment, as you say, I'm still in the early stages of grief. I'm not doing too badly, though. I still have my moments, but that's natural. The sooner I can get stuck into this new job, the better it will be.
Meantime, I'm plugging on with my writing. The book is taking shape - and it almost feels like mum is coming back to life in the words. I have no doubt that she's guiding them, in a way.
Thanks again.
Take care,
Hi Tom,
I've been off line for the past week or so. Most days I'll scroll new posts and I saw your thread about feeling scared but unfortunately I've been too consumed. I'm sorry that I've not until now replied, contributed to your situation and others. Particularly since you have gone out of your way to help, guide me and often others. I felt you really listened. Thank you!
Your new job must be starting pretty soon. Have the reference checks all gone through? As I think I wrote somewhere, I sense this new post is good timing. It's a real compliment that they remembered you too.
Perhaps you could have gone back to your old job but did you not say the hours were unreliable and this aspect was stressful? Sometimes too it can be positive to have a fresh start.
You've very recently faced a massive trauma with your mum passing. So I'd have thought, once going back to work, it requires a clear structure. Also to ensure your employer is aware of your circumstances.
It sounds as if they are.
Your mum passing, will never go away, but how you feel about this will evolve - sometimes it will feel easier and at other moments hit you again, become overwhelming in a flash. But when that happens, take a breath, go easy on your self. Try to remember what you'd say to someone else facing tremendous grief.
Think what you'd do in a professional capacity - so be kind on yourself too. Just as you are to others. Because that's what comes across. You have insight, empathy and care a lot.
I'll look forward to hearing about your new job. It sounds a great fit.
Take care, keep us posted.
JEP