Published on 12, July, 2020
That's the best word for it, really. Scared. How I've always been. Scared of change. Scared of the unknown. Scared of my own shadow.
Following mum's passing in April, it was time for a lot of rest, recovery and reassessment. Everyone advises no big changes after something like this, and I wasn't especially planning any. But I wanted some certainty about my future. That was, and is, important.
My employer had terminated my full-time contract because of the length of time I was off - but they offered me a zero-hours bank contract, which was better in many ways. Pick and choose my hours. More flexibility. The downside would be working sometimes in areas of the business that don't appeal to me and I wouldn't really enjoy. I like day services. I like a 9 to 5 routine.
That's why I jumped at the chance again when I saw the local autistic trust advertising for a day support worker. Just 4 days a week, but still doable because it was a higher salary. Specialising in care for autistic people. Activities largely based around community involvement. All things I like. They interviewed me on the spot (they'd offered me a job last year, which I had to turn down because of mum, and they remembered me) - and they offered me the job straight away. Great. The stability I wanted. Change and having to get used to new people - but it all felt positive.
The downside was traveling (I could cycle to the old place) and the need to get a car because of the location. I picked up a car yesterday. First time I've had one for many years, and in some ways it's good to have that mobility and flexibility again, and not be tied to bus timetables and long bus journeys. Another big change for me - but again, it felt positive.
Until last night. We all know about 'middle-of-the-night syndrome', I guess. Waking at about 2.30... and suddenly finding your head full of crap! I laid there for about two hours, churning it all over, trying to use the techniques I'd been taught in CBT to diminish the anxiety - the fear. It worked to some extent, because I eventually managed to get back to a restless form of sleep. Wake-sleep would be a better way to describe it.
As usual, I was 'awful-ising' it all. What if it I don't like the job? What if I have problems with the car? What if I find it harder than I thought to get by on the money? (take-home will be on a par with the old place, once I take out traveling costs) What if? What if? What if? And then, on the other side, there was the old job - and the positives. A known quantity. Nearer to home, so no need for a car. Fitting right back in. And I was happy there - happier, really, than I've been in a workplace for many years. I used to cross the threshold to the park in the mornings (it's a huge estate) and feel.... safe. Protected. Happy. The downsides could probably be managed in such circumstances.
This is how it always goes. I suppose it's the same for everyone, ND or not. But there are a lot of factors at play with me. Is this too big a change, too soon? Is it right? Of course, I can't know until I try it. Of course, too - the thought that got me to sleep in the end - if it doesn't work out, I can always re-apply to the old place. They said they'd take me back. Then I can go back to how I was, sell the car again, etc.
I know I need to stretch myself and broaden my horizons. Lord knows, in recent years, I've closed myself in a bit.
Maybe I've answered my own questions. Addressed my own fears - to some extent, anyway.
I just wish this anxiety - which is like a living thing in me now - would go away.
Thanks for reading.
Tom
Tom, you are going to be brilliant in your new job and you have the skills that employers really value.
no one likes change....but it is the only constant we have.
think about the things you can control..can you go into the office for a phased period of time before you officially start your contract in order to familiarise yourself with your new place of work and its staff.
With your job being with the Autistic Trust I am sure that they strive to be an ASD friendly employer...if not then surely you can help educate them about how to achieve this.
breathe, try to keep a cool head...please
Thanks for the reassurance :)
It's odd - but usually I'll over-analyse something until I've thought myself out of it. I'm over-analysing this, too. 'Awful-ising' it. Part of me thinks I've been impulsive with all this - and it's now catching me out. And every time I've been impulsive in the past, it's come back to bite me in some way. Hence the over-analysis. Except now, I'm doing it too late in the game.
I'll concentrate on the positives and take it as it comes. I've gotten this far in life, and through some real difficulties. So I'll keep that in mind. And I still have options, at least. :)
Yay.....as the lonewarrior says....you'll be brilliant and keep in touch with how you get on.
if anyone bothers you...send Lone over with his digger!!! Lol
I'd never tell you to pee off! You don't offend. I can do that, too, without even realising it.
I'm not sure it's guilt, really. It's just about returning to 'normality' again - though with a couple of big changes. Having a car, to me, is a big change. Most things that other people would probably take in their stride are big challenges to me. The number of times in the past where I've worked myself up to such a pitch that I've simply stopped everything in its tracks and gone back to what I know - innumerable. The old saying 'You have nothing to fear except fear itself' may have a kernel of truth. But fear is a pretty bloody big thing to fear!
I could have had a phased return at the old place, but it would have been on different days and shift patterns - and, as I said, in areas where I'm not keen on working. With this, I really need to go in at the designated times. They know the situation, yes. They know about my issues. I think it'll work out alright.
...is this partly guilt as your first time returning to work after the sad loss of your mum? Do you feel still very vulnerable and sore without her?
tell me to pee off if I offend - I often do!!!!
try not to over analyse...are your new employers aware of your situation? Can you request a flexible phased start to your new role?
hang in there Mr Martian, sir