What Did I Do Wrong?

Did you say this in front of a teacher/tutor? If you did, then you broke the 'us and them' rule. In the 'us and them' situation, 'them' is anyone in a position of formal authority, such as a teacher. Things, such as any weakness of one of 'us', should not be brought to the attention of 'them' (except by the particular person with the weakness or problem). It isn't logical in any way, but it is a definite part of the unwritten principles of NT 'pack mentality'.

You've told us what happened from your point of view.  But without actually being there i cannot judge the atmosphere or how you expressed yourself or your tone of voice or attitude.

First, was T disturbing the group or you by complaining during the assessment?

I think the group saw T as the weakest member of the group, who needed help and protection.  And you as a bully picking on her.

Yes, thank you. I still think they blew it out of proportion and picked on me as i was one of the weaker members. But i always have been easy prey.

Not to belittle anyone but the thread has kinda of gone off topic. I get that the replay discussion was a good thing to note but the purpose of me posting it was the social situation involving T. I do appreciate your feedback on this matter though but if anyone else has anything to add about this, please do. Thanks. 

NAS9920 said:

....2. l'esprit de l'escalier - this is a thought phenomenon. it occurs as a result of an overwelming amount of information, in the moment. the information can only be processed after the event, which then gives rise to what is often regarded as 'the perfect answer'. it's not the same as hindsight. hindsight tends to be the result of a learning experience eg. oh, i'll know what to do next time, that was a total balls up, i won't be doing that again. l'espirit de l'escalier is literally a fog of thinking that blinds in the moment, and is related to a processing of information via the sub-conscious eg sub-conscious overload. one's thinking, or rather the gears of one's machine, literally grind to a halt, then later jump into action again. it is also a time perception issue in that, one has to make a decision NOW!!! - but of course one never has to make a decision right away. it is a paradox thought pattern that one has to make a decision NOW. it's a flaw of perception in that, rushing is a state of mind. it is a false fight/flight response generated by a sense of perceived urgency that does not exist..

in a more subtle way, l'esprit de l'escalier is linked to self-confidence and also, doubt bunnies (see 3. below)                   

3. doubt bunnies - these lovely little creatures hop about, and start hopping about, making one question making the right decision - the thought processes (the bunnies) then obsessively reprocess. this is similar to the replay, but is an anxiety fuelled reflex which has developed over the years and is very subtle but also very insidious in that it jsut burns away in the background. think of it as, like bunnies, fluffballs that eventually seem to breed like mad and seem to be generated by anything. this is a stimulus issue. but also this is a self-reliance, self-trust, reasurrance issue. it is reassuring to feed the bunnies because otherwise the bunnies will start nibbling away. s variables involved now in processing and making the right decisions. often it is more comforting to be in control of one's own punishment, rather than take one's eye off the ball and then have the shock of something coming unexpectedly that one should have thought about. it's a guilt/punishment way of thinking, and bunnies are the result - very tricky.

4. the right answer paradox (parking dither) - this is a paradox. there is no right or wrong answer, there is only truth or lie. however, oooh however, there are variables. the seeking of simplicity, eg. reducing everything to its fundamental simple and simplistic equation that produces the solution <--this, is what the 'right answer' thinking/problem/issue is trying to resolve. similarly to eryberrie's replay thinking, the 'right answer' paradox can be a very stressful experience in itself, almost like water-torture etc etc. strategies to deal with this create a move towards simplicity and a resultant stripping back of extraneous information. often, one will find one is then put into a trap of literally not being able to make a decision. it's like when people drive round car parks, dithering about where to park. it's a spacial thinking process - see 1. above - and is about organisation of a visual pattern in the mind of how things fit together, and therefore to permit one to choose the right thing, thus avoiding error/punishment - see 3. bunnies...

Thanks, Ferret.  Much of this is I think an accurate analysis of some of my thought processes, though whether I can change them is another matter!  Of course while it may be true that "one never has to make a decision right away" in a shopping situation, there are many areas of life where immediate decisions are required.  It's probably the main reason I've never learned to drive or even ride a bicycle.  Never mind "parking dither" (which I realise is primarily an example or metaphor), I'd dither about every one of the dozens of decisions required in even a short car journey.  And I'd be too busy assessing my previous decisions to focus on the new ones ahead!  Even as a pedestrian, I struggle with judging the right moment to cross a busy road and after enduring several minutes of whizzing vehicles I sometimes even sit on the pavement in despair.

One of the most painful and high-pressure areas of decision-making for me involves pets in their final illnesses.  It was difficult enough in the past when the main decision was only choosing the "right" moment for euthanasia.  But now the veterinary world has absorbed many of the techniques from human medicine, most vets make you feel like you don't care enough about your pet if you won't send him to the vet hospital twenty miles away and spend thousands on invasive tests and treatments which probably won't help.  It isn't even just a question of money; even if insured, is it right to put a seriously ill and probably dying animal through all that stress?  But if you don't, the decision cannot be revoked... 

I sometimes think my complete lack of interest in Star Wars and Star Trek must cast grave doubt on my Asperger diagnosis!  It's especially strange given that older films and TV series are one of my main interests (and degree subject), though I have little enthusiasm generally for science-fiction - or indeed science fact.  

I do admire the first season of the original Twilight Zone, particularly the episodes Walking Distance and A Stop at Willoughby, both of which are about seeking nostalgic refuge in an apparently simpler and happier past.  Such yearning certainly isn't restricted to our times but I do feel a parallel, when watching these episodes, with my longing to return to the pre-digital world.  I suspect many people felt like this a century ago when motor vehicles gradually gained dominance and influenced just about every aspect of life.  I sometimes feel I'd like to enter a primitive - but secular - monastery.

I don't recall noticing anything different around 1994; for me, the big change was in 2000 with the arrival at our house of the internet, DVDs and digital TV (for which the reception was far worse than analogue) - though these coincided with other changes in my life.  My chronic insomnia began quite suddenly in January 2001.

That's very interesting, Ferret, though in my case (and at the risk of hijacking the thread) I feel there must be other issues, as often there is no problem for me to resolve when the replay begins.  Maybe it's a quest for perfection - and that creates the problem.  Even when I do something well, I can't help thinking of perhaps better outcomes if I'd done it differently.  In other words, I'm adding hypothetical data.

But sometimes there's already too much data.  I find it increasingly difficult to make decisions, even about low value purchases.  Internet shopping offers so many variables - different brands of the same products, which are superficially similar, at different prices from different vendors.

I've become a very restrained consumer (some months my credit card bill is under £5!)  And that restraint is largely because I find the range of products and prices so exhausting to process that in the end I'm totally deterred and buy nothing.  But even necessities do not escape complexity. Take domestic fuel supply; when I was young, one simply had a contract with the gas or electricity board and there was basically only one tariff.  There was nothing to think about.  Now there's a huge number of suppliers, each with a range of tariffs, supposedly offering savings but which require constant monitoring. 

For me, this is far less about frugality (I don't bother, for example, with reward schemes like Nectar) than about feeling I've made the right decision.  And, as soon as I make a decision, I feel it was probably wrong - and will continue to seek evidence to confirm or refute that belief.  So, to return to the thread title, I worry about having done something "wrong" even when I am the only person to believe it was wrong.  And far beyond the sphere of morality or "appropriate" behaviour.  As soon as I press the "Submit" button for this post, I'll start to think I could have expressed myself better...

Hi Eryberrie

By the sound of it, you needn't do anything wrong, in a moral sense; indeed, you were trying to help.  But, in doing so, you merely violated the NT rule that one must not draw attention to problems, especially those of other people, because that forces the group or the person in charge to deal with them!

But what's more significant, in my opinion, is that 17 years later you "still think of it often".  I'm gradually realising that this "endless mental replay" is possibly the single most significant aspect of my own Asperger's.  It's a trait that receives very little coverage (in my experience) but several people have mentioned it in recent discussions.

In my case, it's the most common cause of my insomnia. I can't "switch off". Yet it does not necessarily equate to anxiety or guilt, as therapists always assume when I tell them about it.  Sometimes I endlessly replay in my head conversations or events that do not worry me and may even have been pleasant when they were actually experienced.  But nevertheless I feel an urge to endlessly repeat them, perhaps to try to arrive at some objective truth... which only becomes more elusive with each replay.