Adult regression

I feel this too from 2 sides.

I'm almost 44 and only got diagnosed with ASC a couple of months ago. It now explains issues I've had since childhood. I always had issues with anxiety and depression but felt like something else was wrong. Now I know why I've also had the habit of keep pushing myself harder to do well in various things (jobs, social things, sports and interests etc) but each time I burn out and end up worse off and double frustrated.

I feel like when I look at how I am, you could say I act much younger than I am. I wouldn't say it's in a concerning way or something but it's always been a common theme of me being wise in ways yet I act and feel much younger and kinda fear things in the world like I need help and support...which as a man I also find really difficult because then I feel weak and like I should be much stronger.

I also feel like I've lost certain things over the years. I used to be so creative and a good writer in my younger years...but the biggest thing I notice is that I feel my creativity has gone. My imagination. I feel like I've spent so many years now keep ruminating and having anxiety over everything that's going wrong, what's wrong with me, how am I going to cope and will I ever have the life I wanted one day combined with worries going on in the world even more these last 2-3 years...that that's taken over my brain if you get me? Like there's no space for imagination or creativity anymore because my mind is so chock full of worry and fears and issues 24/7. Whenever I try to dream or imagine I feel like there's a huge blockage and my mind just defaults back to worry and anxiety.

I also have a son who I'm convinced is going to be diagnosed as it was seeing behaviours in him that pushed me to see things about myself and find out. Since he has begun high school and isn't settling well I notice he seems to be regressing in his behaviour is more often like a child much younger. I wonder if this is the same thing.

I feel this too from 2 sides.

I'm almost 44 and only got diagnosed with ASC a couple of months ago. It now explains issues I've had since childhood. I always had issues with anxiety and depression but felt like something else was wrong. Now I know why I've also had the habit of keep pushing myself harder to do well in various things (jobs, social things, sports and interests etc) but each time I burn out and end up worse off and double frustrated.

I feel like when I look at how I am, you could say I act much younger than I am. I wouldn't say it's in a concerning way or something but it's always been a common theme of me being wise in ways yet I act and feel much younger and kinda fear things in the world like I need help and support...which as a man I also find really difficult because then I feel weak and like I should be much stronger.

I also feel like I've lost certain things over the years. I used to be so creative and a good writer in my younger years...but the biggest thing I notice is that I feel my creativity has gone. My imagination. I feel like I've spent so many years now keep ruminating and having anxiety over everything that's going wrong, what's wrong with me, how am I going to cope and will I ever have the life I wanted one day combined with worries going on in the world even more these last 2-3 years...that that's taken over my brain if you get me? Like there's no space for imagination or creativity anymore because my mind is so chock full of worry and fears and issues 24/7. Whenever I try to dream or imagine I feel like there's a huge blockage and my mind just defaults back to worry and anxiety.

I also have a son who I'm convinced is going to be diagnosed as it was seeing behaviours in him that pushed me to see things about myself and find out. Since he has begun high school and isn't settling well I notice he seems to be regressing in his behaviour is more often like a child much younger. I wonder if this is the same thing.

I relate to much of what you say here. I sort of feel just numb and kind of just waste days away to a massive extent now more than ever.

Some days I feel so tired and burned out I can't barely do anything. I had an awful time during school in retrospect. Its actually painful and I'm full of regret, even anger, that the system failed me in some unfair way.

I'm considered relatively mild on the spectrum.

I've probably got mental health issues that are separate to autism but coalesce into a vicious double whammy. Nobody understood it. Not even myself. How weird is it not to understand MYSELF! I can often hate myself for it.

In brief I ended up suspended from my first school near the end of Year 2 and found myself in a completely inappropriate special school that effectively destroyed my education. Yes, I genuinely believe it was the moment everything went to hell, and I played constant catch up with my mainstream peers after that. But at the time nobody had an answer. I was just a very out of control and naughty child who acted aggressive. It was after I started at this special school that I then quickly started to 'mask'. Suddenly. Like flicking on a switch. I was now the STAR pupil who was super well behaved. Never, ever naughty. Calm. Polite. Model material. 

Then I went home. And every now and again. BANG. It was the human definition of a nuclear bomb. Wild. Insane. The classic autistic meltdown on a plate. It was terrible and looking back HORRIBLE for my Mum. I remember several occasions that the teacher would come to Mums house and restrain me at the floor and work to diffuse and end the meltdown, which happened of course, after a short while. And it all went quiet.

I desperately feel ashamed to have put Mum through some of those scary meltdowns and now I look back and think how was that possible? My mum stuck by me and never gave up . She never just handed me to some social care workers or whatever might have happened. I was terribly angry deep down and it's very complicated. I had no father figure for a start. That has to be a factor. I had no friends and didn't play sports. As a grown guy now I appreciate that exercise and sport is very important and useful for young people. Blowing off energy and steam are really important and it does help a great deal.

But anyway; bottled everything up and unleashed all that energy and anger that was built up. Now, this is my opinion, but in retrospect, I could have been experiencing a sort of mental health breakdown that was in addition to autism. Autism probably made it worse. I don't know. Who knows. But it happened and it was terrible. My education went down the tube because of it. I missed a large chunk of my early years. It's little wonder my social development was affected and my academic too. I'll never know for sure but it's impossible for me not to feel regretful about it and a bit angry too. Whether than anger is misplaced or legitimate its hard to say.

Slowly I went back into mainstream again towards second half of Year 4 and was full time (with some support) for all of Year 6.

And you know what, honestly, it was probably my happiest time, during my childhood overall.

I spoke to people.. even though I found it easier to talk to the girls .. for some reason .. at school, they liked me!

I even started to become a bit more confident and had a couple of friends outside of school who I played/hung out with regularly around that period.

Unfortunately I hated the secondary schools in my area and travelling further away was unfeasible so I ended up back in a special school from Year 7 , albeit one not as blatantly inappropriate.

This time just a school for general learning difficulties and not one for kids with more violent and serious mental health issues. I still however felt even at the time and definitely now, it was a regressive step for me.

I'd made progress in that last year at primary and was becoming more confident but just wasn't quite prepared or ready to jump into a secondary school that would likely have set me up for bullying and lack of support. I think a secondary school in a better area would have absolutely worked for me but it was out of question unfortunately. 

I still remember my form tutor in Year 6 being encouraging of me going to mainstream. I think looking back she had my beat interests at heart but I just was quite ready to make that jump at that time. It was too soon. The schools in my area weren't good with regards to reputation. I was genuinely fearful and unnerved and it would have been a nightmare to have tried to disrupt my education again if things didn't work out and had to be pulled out at a later point. So I relented and took the easier and least risky path I guess. That's never a good idea though. The easier path is often just going to lead to more pain further down the road. 

I lost contact with the few mates I had from mainstream by the end of Year 9 and didn't make any real friends in my secondary special school.

But hey I still managed in the end to at least get a dozen GCSES (1 F, couple of Ds and a C.). It was something at least. I try not to think, honestly.

It's hard to accept ourselves sometimes but we just have to accept the cards we are dealt. It's really hard though. I have many bad days.