My Mother who has Autism

Hi,

The fact you may move away is probably the main issue. My daughter is only 10, but I dread the day she may move away. I'm a creature of comfort & dearly hope she is too. I'd be lost if she moved away when older. I know it's selfish to say, but I'd do anything for her. In a real sense being gone, is losing someone. It will evoke grief & depression for the loss. And questioning of that persons loyalty & valuation of you.

Thanks Dontworrybehappy, I appreciate your comment.

We all try to make my mum feel as loved as possible. She, herself, believes occasionally that she has been a ‘bad mother’, however myself and my siblings completely disagree with her. We’ve told her countless times, constantly and always that she is our mother, she’s all we know and therefore loved, unconditionally. We’ve had open conversations with her explaining just how much we love her; these conversations have happened when she’s been in a deep depression & in tears and when we’ve had an amazing day, full of laughs and smiles!

This post isn’t designed to offend people or to bad mouth my mum, I love my mother and I love the different traits that have developed in my own personality because of her. She’s given me a practical outlook on the world, she’s proved to me that you can do anything if you put your mind to it and she’s given me a fantastic sense of humour (or so I think so!). I just want to help as best I can.

I understand that everyone can feel underappreciated, confused and depressed, not just people with autism. As mentioned in the above comments, there is so little research into adult autism I just want to get a feel from others whether this is common or if it stems from something different.

It seems the result, so far, is that it may be a different issue from the autism; possibly stress or depression.

Any further insights would be lovely and hopefully add to my (and my families) understanding! Thank you all!

I cannot comment for anyone else but I don't hate "the world". I do have great dislike for lots of things going on in it. I would say you don't have to be autistic to have an attitude towards the world. 

Having your degree in psychology surely would tell you that maybe she's very unhappy in her life tbh. Does she feel appreciated, I know you think your dad a saint but what about your mum? Does she really know how much she's adored?

I feel unappreciated at times. We all do, autistic or not. If she is struggling in work then that again can cause stress. Some just take it out on the world. So no, I would say a hate of the world is nothing to do with autism. I certainly don't hate the world anyway.

Thanks for all the comments!

I just want to make it clear that we all adore my mother, she has a wonderful disposition but recently we have noticed a decline. I fully understand autism (my degree is in psychology, specifically focused on autism) and have a good idea of how my mother is feeling most of the time.

I know she can find the world a hard, confusing, loud and an oppressive place to be sometimes and we all help as best we can in making it more comfortable and familiar. We try to keep her engaged in large social situations (which she finds hard to follow) or make an effort to take her to one side if it’s stressing her out too much. We want to help her as best we can.

With this in mind, I would mainly like to know if this decline in attitude towards the world is common in autistic adults and if so, how best can we (as a family) make the world a happier place for her?

Any insight into this is welcome J

There must be a hell of a lot of Paranoid people out there. Perhaps it's realism. As regards people out to get her, she has most probably learnt they are not her friends from her own experience. As regards the government, lots think voting is rigged and let's face it, we all have a number on our polling cards. The government would have a log of who voted for who. I aren't very trusting of some and the government, don't get me started, the world is full of corruption let's face it. Its not how I started out and I do have personal reasons to not trust. Some can say you are paranoid when you are not, you are just stating what others have made you feel by treating you as they did. Some autistic people think either people are out to help you and if they aren't they are out to get you. But not in the way of Paranoid thinking. Just a way of saying they are not helping you. You have to ask yourself is their any credibility to the thinking. 

 Perhaps more tlc from them that truly do care is what is needed to change someone's mindset rather than labelling someone paranoid. Then perhaps you won't give a damn what others think or feel about you. Let's face it, they are only "colleagues". Not your family. It seems to me your mother needs to know you love her and she's losing you in her eyes. Big changes are happening. You were perhaps her "world" and the goodness in her life. It's good she does have some collegues she does get along with. And let's face it, kids are just on loan anyway as mostly at some point they do make a life for themselves. Perhaps she is feeling lonely. How I look at things is that a mother can be an excellent mother but not so good at being a wife and a father can be a great father but not so good at being a husband (if you see what I mean). There is the menopause also around the age of your mother. That alone brings on in some depression, anxiety, a feeling of woe and looking back at achievements or lack of achievements. 

As regards the being a mother and showing it to kids, I have always been affectionate outwardly to my kids and still am now they are adults.I love my children and hope they know it. I am pretty confident they do. 

And I would love to " think" my husband picks me above others but we both put our kids first. After they are left home it is time for each other. I always thought that was how it was meant to be in marriage? Although after the kids I certainly,don't think he will put me first.....others seem to be above me now....lol. am I being paranoid.....no I am being real. Actions speak louder than words they say!! 

Some of the paranoid behaviours you describe also ring bells for a few aspects of autistic behaviour that I have heard about or come across in myself or others I know.

1) Rigid thinking - autistic people are often not good at negotiating and understanding why their views are wrong. (Mea culpa on that one). We often do black and white categorisation and miss the subleties and greyness of real life.

2) Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I'm not sure if this is really a thing but it is a recognisable description for some autistic people who get themselves into a bad mental place.

3) Pathological Demand Avoidance - avoidance and procrastination are common strategies for autistic people - if you don't do something then you can avoid being criticised for doing it wrong.

I suspect that there are connections between bullying and paranoia - people can feel bullied even if there is no actual intent to oppress.

I agree with Asperegix that there is a lot of stuff to read and explore and something may well help the OP's family to move the mother to a better view of the world. People can change their views but I think that autistic people often have to discover things for themselves rather than being told of their errors by others.

Paranoia was one of my first thoughts in reading the original post. However, I also considered bullying which is very common for people with autism. It is possible that her behaviour brings out the worst in other people and they are actually being abrupt, mean, and tired of her and this is making her feel rejected and embattled. In either case, depression may also complicate her feelings.

Diagnosis by forum is a hazardous thing though and professional help might well be sought via her GP.

The recommended therapy for someone, particularly autistic people, struggling with their mental health is to get cognitive behavioural therapy. Autistic people often do not respond well to medication for depression as the causes of depression are less likely to be chemically based and more likely to be due to failed social interactions that have a negative impact on mood and confidence and accumulate over a period of time.

As a separate strand of help, she may benefit from being helped/trained/educated in social skills. She may not understand what it is that she does that might offend people and it may be that she could work out different strategies for dealing with people that might improve her social interactions.

Thanks Sarah2!! The same to you and your boys as well!

No offence taken, just wanted to point out that us autistic mums can have the ability for an outwardly caring side towards our children. Wishing you and your mum all the best.

Sorry Sarah2, I didnt mean for that to offend. I was trying to lighten the mood and express my mum's sense of humour about her traits.

My mother has self confessed that she doesn't enjoy physical contact like hugging and kissing that often and I was only making reference to one of the well know traits of autism. I understand this doesn't apply to all people with autism. 

Just a note; this doesn't mean she won't hug us back or doesn't enjoy us kissing all over her face (when she's in the right mood) :)

My aim in this post was to understand what she is going through at the moment and how we can help her, as a family, together.

Just wanted to mention in response to your message that not all mothers who have autism are therefore not outwardly caring towards their children, i should know, i'am an outwardly caring mother to my two boys, and i'am autistic ( shock, horror!! ).