Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I am new here!
Im desperately in need of advice from those with experience of autism. I will try and sum the situation up as best I can.
I met my boyfriend a year ago, he was wonderful and quirky and we fell head over heels for each other. From the beginning I knew he was different and suspected he had a form of autism a few months into our relationship. When I would speak to him about it he would deny it and become quite defensive. As time went on, I found some challenges. He was difficult to communicate with, could never see my view on things was jealous and domimant. He said and did things which were socially inappropriate, and my family found him very rude and arrogant. He would make me upset all the time (and for someone who has never cried in front of people before) this was a very different kind of relationship to be in.
Depsite being very much in love with him, I decided to end things with him 4 months ago as I was fed up of the way he treated me, and felt he was very unfair to me.
He took the news very badly and for the following 12 hours I received nasty phone calls and text messages, which was then followed by the start of his mental breakdown! He loves me very much and the thought of not being with me basically sent him crazy. His behaviour has been truly irrational and like a child. I can't even begin to describe to you his behaviour over these last few months. There is no getting through to him, you can't talk to him properly, he doesn't listen, he just argues and BEGS me to take him back. He whails and cries down the phone at me and has emotionally blackmailed me into taking him back.
I have tried to have no contact with him, but it just makes him worse. A month ago he told me he wants to kill himself as he doesn't want a life without me. I quickly spoke to his family and he is now going to see a counsellor. But now I have to deal with him being suicidal! It's been very stressful and he doesn't see what this is doing to me.
I've done a lot of research into aspergers recently, and I am 100% sure he has this. But after my long winded story, can I ask those of you with experience of aspergers, how much of this is down to his aspergers or is his behaviour just irrational.
Any thoughts? I would really love to hear people's opinions.
Hi Kempy
I don't know if your boyfriend is Autistic. Comparing your description to my knowledge - gained from real life and also from reading the experiences of male "Aspies" on here, I doubt that he is.
You say you initially found him wonderful and "quirky" - but what does that mean? Anyone who has different ideas or interests to what is common can be called "quirky" - it doesn't necessarily make them Autistic.
Then you described a change as time went on: "... He was difficult to communicate with, could never see my view on things was jealous and domimant. He said and did things which were socially inappropriate, and my family found him very rude and arrogant."
Aspies can be difficult to communicate with and be unable to see another's point of view - however non Autistic people can also be difficult if they don't want to listen for some reason, such as they don't really value your opinion or want to be dominant - which is a word you use in your description of him. Aspie behaviour can be misinterpreted as rudeness or arrogance, but those closest to them know otherwise, however you have not challenged your family's interpretation.
Depression and suicidal thoughts seem to be more common in Autistic people, but can happen to anyone. I can't imagine a rejected Aspie male continually arguing, begging, wailing and crying down a phone - I believe the more usual response would be for them to make a few hurtful remarks, as a verbal "lashing out" at a person who had hurt them, and then turn inwards, with behaviour often alternating between non responsiveness and recklessness.
Also, you haven't mentioned any behaviour or characteristics which would indicate some of the strongest traits of autism - stress, anxiety, and sensory sensitivities.
But I don't have enough data - such as an AQ test result for example - to be absolutely certain. I'm an Aspie female, and we are a bit different to the males. And we're all individuals, so we won't all behave identically.
My opinion from the information you've given would be that I think he's controlling and arrogant and you would be best following the advice Asparagus gave and making a clean break.
Sorry I can't be of more help, but I wish you all the best.