Exhausted and Disheartened

This is one of the problems of Aspies, Darla - that other people don't really seem to understand that we have high standards and want to see things done properly. It can come over as patronising and condescending but it isn't really that at all. One of the traits of Aspies is that they like to do things in a predictable, perhaps 'fixed' way and this can seem a bit over-fussy to non-Aspies and maybe even cause some resentment. 

I think this is partly due to the problems of 'social blindness' that Aspies suffer so that they are more focused on 'doing the job properly' and are not so aware of the interpersonal relationships this can impact on. I think the answer might be to try to allow some degree of flexiblity in people's behaviour, even if this might not satisy your very high standards. After all, handling people is a very important aspect of management and is really an art that has to be mastered. It's all a question of balance, I think but I quite understand your dismay.

This reminds me of a situation I was in at work some years ago.

I was given the task of stocktaking a number of items which were very small and required a sensitive electronic weighing scale. When I had completed the task I thought I had done a good job but then I was called into the office and the manager confronted me saying I found too many discrepencies. I was pretty surprised and hurt since I had been scrupulous in doing the work and resented being accused of making mistakes. But then I realised I had been a bit naive in assuming they had wanted me to be accurate and not aware that what they realy wanted was a 'cover-up' job, which made the local manager look good!

So, there we are, Darla. I think this is why people like us are much better off doing jobs that required a high degree of accuracy involving objective tasks that are valued, rather than being invloved in jobs requiring 'reading' office politics and ego sensitivities.

I'ts no wonder there are a lot of Aspies working in the areas of IT, accountancy, medical services, engineering, science, etc. 

I sympathise with your overtime issues Martian Tom. However, sometimes I get to go into work when no one else in my team is there- that is kind of magical. Sometimes I work late after everyone else has gone and that is good. I am also a fan of early mornings at work- it is all so peaceful, and because I am there for the build up, it can be a smoother start for me. However, our roles are very different- sounds like you are very hands on involved. My work enables me to be more flexible and I am able, to a certain extent, to decide that for myself. However, I was a support worker for many years and, much as I loved my work, I didn't do overtime unless it was waking nights and I never swapped shifts. That level of uncertainty was not useful for me. I had young children at that time, so they were a good and acceptable smoke-screen for not volunteering. 

Hi Pixiefox,

your work situation is very upsetting. Is there anyone that can help you to speak to your employers about other solutions than leaving? So many times in my life, I've just gone along with what other people have asked me to do, either because it's easier or because I thought it was the only solution. It is also easy to feel personally unwanted when it is just the situation that others don't like. They don't understand the problem, so it is hard for them to come up with positive solutions. Do you have access to an Occupational Health assessment? - your employer may be able to refer you. I certainly would with someone whose work is otherwise good, but who is struggling with ill-health for unclear reasons. The assessment might lead to you getting support and to recommendations of reasonable adjustments your employers can make (to make it possible for you to work well and more happily). I'd be asking if your hours could be adjusted so you could start later and finish earlier or vice versa (but I don't know your situation). My employers have always been very supportive, but I have gone through times when my work was not right for me and I needed to change, but because I was stressed, the thought of change was unbearable. It's easy to get stuck. We need to know ourselves very well in order to advocate for ourselves. I also wonder about a Sensory Profile assessment. You would need to find an OT who specialises in Sensory Integration. I hope that you find someone to help and a positive way forwards. 

I share the retirement thought! Every time something knocks me back at work, I start writing my notice in my head and planning a new life... One day...

Also, I too am fortunate to have other people with AS in my life. Among others (I have a complicated family) one of my sons has a diagnosis. He is such easy company for me. We are both peaceful people who know exactly what works for us at home. I have another son who does not have a diagnosis, but could have if he wanted, and he is great company too. My middle son is just the best! He has grown up surrounded by people who are extremely competent and smart, who suddenly get stressed because someone touched them, a loud noise happened, the lights are too bright, there is a person wearing perfume, the material is wrong etc etc. fortunately, we all share the same wry sense of humour - he won't shop with us at Tesco on a Friday or Saturday as he reckons nobody has got time for that in their lives! 

So many things Pixiefox!

And me! I get very upset when I think I'm being criticised :(

Tom - I hate working overtime too - I even get upset if someone asks me to do something just before I'm due to go home and it means I'm a few minutes late leaving the office!  it's amazing the things I'm learning are due to AS. 

Hi Darla and welcome 

I'm female too and feel very much like you lately. People cause me a lot of stress. I get the bus to work and if one arrives and it's crowded, I'll wait for the next one as I hate being so close to so many people. 

I get overloaded by work too and have had quite a bit of time off sick in the last few months, so had to go to a meeting about that this week. I wish I could just retire now - some days I don't even want to get out of bed. 

I'm married to an Aspie, and when I'm at home with him I don't feel the same pressure or uncertainty I can feel with other people. We both know what to expect.

I'm a bit cross with my bosses, because they praised my work at the meeting (which I didn't really need to hear - I know that I do a good job) but didn't attempt to discuss how they could accommodate my need to reduce my working hours. It's been agreed that I will look for another job with suitable hours and they will be accepting of the situation until then. It's difficult to find part time work in my field though (accounts).

Hope you have a relaxing weekend and feel better 

Pixie 

Hi Martian Tom,

thank you for your understanding. Much of what you say rings true to me. I like the sound of the work you do- it is valuable and important. It is similar in some ways to what I do. Like you, I have always struggled with wanting other people to be happy and not wanting to upset them. That is impossible as a manager. People are happy when you do what they want you to do and then angry, sad or offended when you do not. Everyone thinks their issues are more important than anyone else's. I try to be fair. I focus on the work we are doing, the people we are supporting and the quality of that. I listen and I sympathise. I am over-sensitive to other people's mood, but I don't really understand or know what to do with what I sense. I find it horribly uncomfortable and difficult when I think people are upset, or angry with me, or that they are critical of me. It is the worst feeling and, of course it happens all the time. The most wearing part of my work is having to line-manage others. They are good people, but they can't always have what they want. It is inexplicable to me that people are paid to do a job that they applied for and agreed terms for and yet they still complain about what they are required to do. If I felt like that I would find other work. However, I know that the way I see things is unusual. I like unusual! I encourage people to respect the unusual in others and in themselves. I know I am good at my job and it sounds as though you are too. The people you support need your attention to detail and the reliability of your input. That is something for them to trust in a sometimes very confusing world.

I feel so much better after spending a day with no people physically in it :) I hope that you had a good day too.