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Exhausted and Disheartened

Darla

Hi everyone. I am a woman with autism. Many of my family members are diagnosed with autism, aspergers, whatever. Most of the time, I see our difference as also being our strength. Most of the time I like that I approach problems in a different way to others, that I have different motivators, that my focus can be absolute, pure. However, today is Saturday, and that means I have a headache and cannot be engaging with anyone who wants anything that is not stated and obvious i.e. the cat that lives with me wants food, but she is very clear- I give her the food and she eats it and is happy. Well done beautiful cat and well done me! Saturday's are always like this. I think the week overloads me and I just need to be nothing to no one for a bit. Today though, I am sad. I have had a busy week- I have a responsible job, doing something that matters. I manage a team that supports other people. I need to understand situations and resolve these. This involves directing other staff. Twice this week I have explained to people what I have wanted them to do, and twice they have appeared to understand and then done something similar, but worryingly different. When I have asked them about this, they have told me what they thought I asked them- it has been importantly different from what I had in mind. And that is the issue. If I know what I want then I assume that other people also know. This is not news to me, but it is so exhausting always remembering to check and double check. How do you do that without patronising people anyway? I suppose I could say that it's my problem, but I need them to tell me what I just said, so I know that I said it right. Because, inside my head, it's quick and clear and targeted. And outside? I don't know what it sounds like outside. Some people at work know about the autism- well, everyone gossips all the time, so probably everyone knows. I don't need them to understand. I need to be able to do my job properly and not feel like I do today. I am just venting! Other people are so other... I also had a row with someone I admire. The row happened because I was frustrated that they were not checking their phone often enough for messages (so didn't see my messages to them). We are required to check our phones at work, so I do it and, because I was stressed, it was upsetting for me that they did not. It wasn't even a big deal. Sometimes I bore myself.

Parents

  • Hi Martian Tom,

    thank you for your understanding. Much of what you say rings true to me. I like the sound of the work you do- it is valuable and important. It is similar in some ways to what I do. Like you, I have always struggled with wanting other people to be happy and not wanting to upset them. That is impossible as a manager. People are happy when you do what they want you to do and then angry, sad or offended when you do not. Everyone thinks their issues are more important than anyone else's. I try to be fair. I focus on the work we are doing, the people we are supporting and the quality of that. I listen and I sympathise. I am over-sensitive to other people's mood, but I don't really understand or know what to do with what I sense. I find it horribly uncomfortable and difficult when I think people are upset, or angry with me, or that they are critical of me. It is the worst feeling and, of course it happens all the time. The most wearing part of my work is having to line-manage others. They are good people, but they can't always have what they want. It is inexplicable to me that people are paid to do a job that they applied for and agreed terms for and yet they still complain about what they are required to do. If I felt like that I would find other work. However, I know that the way I see things is unusual. I like unusual! I encourage people to respect the unusual in others and in themselves. I know I am good at my job and it sounds as though you are too. The people you support need your attention to detail and the reliability of your input. That is something for them to trust in a sometimes very confusing world.

    I feel so much better after spending a day with no people physically in it :) I hope that you had a good day too.

Reply

  • Hi Martian Tom,

    thank you for your understanding. Much of what you say rings true to me. I like the sound of the work you do- it is valuable and important. It is similar in some ways to what I do. Like you, I have always struggled with wanting other people to be happy and not wanting to upset them. That is impossible as a manager. People are happy when you do what they want you to do and then angry, sad or offended when you do not. Everyone thinks their issues are more important than anyone else's. I try to be fair. I focus on the work we are doing, the people we are supporting and the quality of that. I listen and I sympathise. I am over-sensitive to other people's mood, but I don't really understand or know what to do with what I sense. I find it horribly uncomfortable and difficult when I think people are upset, or angry with me, or that they are critical of me. It is the worst feeling and, of course it happens all the time. The most wearing part of my work is having to line-manage others. They are good people, but they can't always have what they want. It is inexplicable to me that people are paid to do a job that they applied for and agreed terms for and yet they still complain about what they are required to do. If I felt like that I would find other work. However, I know that the way I see things is unusual. I like unusual! I encourage people to respect the unusual in others and in themselves. I know I am good at my job and it sounds as though you are too. The people you support need your attention to detail and the reliability of your input. That is something for them to trust in a sometimes very confusing world.

    I feel so much better after spending a day with no people physically in it :) I hope that you had a good day too.

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