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Exhausted and Disheartened

Darla

Hi everyone. I am a woman with autism. Many of my family members are diagnosed with autism, aspergers, whatever. Most of the time, I see our difference as also being our strength. Most of the time I like that I approach problems in a different way to others, that I have different motivators, that my focus can be absolute, pure. However, today is Saturday, and that means I have a headache and cannot be engaging with anyone who wants anything that is not stated and obvious i.e. the cat that lives with me wants food, but she is very clear- I give her the food and she eats it and is happy. Well done beautiful cat and well done me! Saturday's are always like this. I think the week overloads me and I just need to be nothing to no one for a bit. Today though, I am sad. I have had a busy week- I have a responsible job, doing something that matters. I manage a team that supports other people. I need to understand situations and resolve these. This involves directing other staff. Twice this week I have explained to people what I have wanted them to do, and twice they have appeared to understand and then done something similar, but worryingly different. When I have asked them about this, they have told me what they thought I asked them- it has been importantly different from what I had in mind. And that is the issue. If I know what I want then I assume that other people also know. This is not news to me, but it is so exhausting always remembering to check and double check. How do you do that without patronising people anyway? I suppose I could say that it's my problem, but I need them to tell me what I just said, so I know that I said it right. Because, inside my head, it's quick and clear and targeted. And outside? I don't know what it sounds like outside. Some people at work know about the autism- well, everyone gossips all the time, so probably everyone knows. I don't need them to understand. I need to be able to do my job properly and not feel like I do today. I am just venting! Other people are so other... I also had a row with someone I admire. The row happened because I was frustrated that they were not checking their phone often enough for messages (so didn't see my messages to them). We are required to check our phones at work, so I do it and, because I was stressed, it was upsetting for me that they did not. It wasn't even a big deal. Sometimes I bore myself.

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  • This is one of the problems of Aspies, Darla - that other people don't really seem to understand that we have high standards and want to see things done properly. It can come over as patronising and condescending but it isn't really that at all. One of the traits of Aspies is that they like to do things in a predictable, perhaps 'fixed' way and this can seem a bit over-fussy to non-Aspies and maybe even cause some resentment. 

    I think this is partly due to the problems of 'social blindness' that Aspies suffer so that they are more focused on 'doing the job properly' and are not so aware of the interpersonal relationships this can impact on. I think the answer might be to try to allow some degree of flexiblity in people's behaviour, even if this might not satisy your very high standards. After all, handling people is a very important aspect of management and is really an art that has to be mastered. It's all a question of balance, I think but I quite understand your dismay.

    This reminds me of a situation I was in at work some years ago.

    I was given the task of stocktaking a number of items which were very small and required a sensitive electronic weighing scale. When I had completed the task I thought I had done a good job but then I was called into the office and the manager confronted me saying I found too many discrepencies. I was pretty surprised and hurt since I had been scrupulous in doing the work and resented being accused of making mistakes. But then I realised I had been a bit naive in assuming they had wanted me to be accurate and not aware that what they realy wanted was a 'cover-up' job, which made the local manager look good!

    So, there we are, Darla. I think this is why people like us are much better off doing jobs that required a high degree of accuracy involving objective tasks that are valued, rather than being invloved in jobs requiring 'reading' office politics and ego sensitivities.

    I'ts no wonder there are a lot of Aspies working in the areas of IT, accountancy, medical services, engineering, science, etc. 

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  • This is one of the problems of Aspies, Darla - that other people don't really seem to understand that we have high standards and want to see things done properly. It can come over as patronising and condescending but it isn't really that at all. One of the traits of Aspies is that they like to do things in a predictable, perhaps 'fixed' way and this can seem a bit over-fussy to non-Aspies and maybe even cause some resentment. 

    I think this is partly due to the problems of 'social blindness' that Aspies suffer so that they are more focused on 'doing the job properly' and are not so aware of the interpersonal relationships this can impact on. I think the answer might be to try to allow some degree of flexiblity in people's behaviour, even if this might not satisy your very high standards. After all, handling people is a very important aspect of management and is really an art that has to be mastered. It's all a question of balance, I think but I quite understand your dismay.

    This reminds me of a situation I was in at work some years ago.

    I was given the task of stocktaking a number of items which were very small and required a sensitive electronic weighing scale. When I had completed the task I thought I had done a good job but then I was called into the office and the manager confronted me saying I found too many discrepencies. I was pretty surprised and hurt since I had been scrupulous in doing the work and resented being accused of making mistakes. But then I realised I had been a bit naive in assuming they had wanted me to be accurate and not aware that what they realy wanted was a 'cover-up' job, which made the local manager look good!

    So, there we are, Darla. I think this is why people like us are much better off doing jobs that required a high degree of accuracy involving objective tasks that are valued, rather than being invloved in jobs requiring 'reading' office politics and ego sensitivities.

    I'ts no wonder there are a lot of Aspies working in the areas of IT, accountancy, medical services, engineering, science, etc. 

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