Telephone conversations

I hate phone calls.

I will text and email happily enough and most will try to comply as they understand it a real genuine hate. I can make business calls as it a set thing to say but hate any social phone calls. I managed to phone my priest last month, I chuckle, as he knew it was me because of the number. I really didn't know how to start or anything. He goes, 'I can't hear anything'. I was silent. But that gave me a reason to start and said 'that because am not saying anything because I don't know how....' then he got the reason for the call. I normally email or text. He does fully know.

But yes i hate calls and even at the work programme yesterday my worker said someone would ring and I panicked and explained. Could he leave a message and I ring back. She wasn't too keen but noted it as such but will try to answer because this one important.

But i think it an autism trait as such hating the phone. Am not big on loose chat so over the phone presents big issues for me. Text then I can text an essay or dissertation and write a series of books on email. But the phone I hate too...

I had a frustrating phone experience recently. Very few GP appointments see available in advance of the day, so I had to call first thing. After numerous engaged tones, I was then on hold for couple of minutes or so (with frequent messages that explain they're busy etc, each time being unsure if the stopping of the holding music meant a human was answering my call, and a sensation in my stomach - anxiety?). I was then taken by surprise when a real person did answer my call. Then the pressure was on to decide on an appointment with yet another GP, with the warning given twice that there were very few appointments remaining I.e. hurry up and make up your mind or you might get nothing. I'm not good at quick decisions (except perhaps when following a familiar process), so I actually put it back to the receptionist to say which of the 2 GPS would be better for the nature of the issue I want to discuss. An avoidance strategy, or a coping strategy? Maybe depends on the perspective of who you ask.

So I think I'm going to a GP who I spoke to, not very successfully, a year ago, but this time armed with a friend to help explain. If I had realised in the moment it was this doctor I would have gone for the other one, but it may even be a positive to go back and hopefully this time (with the support of my friends) be able to convey what is needed.

I much prefer setting up appointments in advance, but had to do it by phone so I could get a time when my friend could accompany me. I think the balance of advanced: on the day appointment times is wrong. It probably did the office to reduce missed appointments, but makes it hard for me and others who are better planning ahead. If I hadn't needed someone to come with me I would have foregone the phone call race for an on the day appointment.

So that's a long and tangential way of saying I also dislike being on hold and the difficulty getting through in the first place. However, it does bring out my perseverance on a single task!

I can identify with that, random.  Just recently, I've been chasing my autism evaluation report, which I've still not received after a month and a half.

When I phoned the mental health services contact number, I had to wait for ages listening to the terrible muzac and being told how important my call was by a recorded voice.  When I got through, they ddn't even seem to know that the service I had used even exists.

I told them what surgery the service was at.  So they put me through to reception there - only for that person to put me straight back through to the central contact point again.

Luckily, when I called the surgery receptionist a second time, she gave me the direct number for the service - but made it quite clear that she wasn't supposed to do that, and I shouldn't say where I got the number from.

If it hadn't been for her, I could have just been bounced backwards and forwards forever!  All the while that this was going on, my anxiety levels were steadily rising, and I just wanted to put the phone down and give up.

As you say, it's utterly draining emotionally.

Now I'm trying to get some help making a new benefits claim from our local disability advice service.  The only way to contact them is by phone, and the lines are only open for a couple of hours, two days a week!  You would expect them, of all people, to realise that this discourages access for people who have communication difficulties.  As Paddy said, "unaccommodating".

Thanks for all the replies, the problems I have is waiting on the phone, or not simply getting through to someone who can help. Even when I can "cope" with the call, it takes a lot out of me emotionally. The only strategy I have tried is telling everyone I find it extremely difficult on the phone. 

Hi. I absolutely hate making phone calls too, and it's getting worse for me as well, so I can well understand how you all feel. I am able to answer the phone, at least, but that is usually on behalf of someone else I live with, so I have a ready-prepared script in my head before I hand on the call, but, I find it extremely difficult to phone for business reasons, or, for example, to phone a hospital to tell them there has been a change in my medical conditions. I have found that I get the shakes before trying to call, and I have to do everything in my power to calm myself down before I can even dial on the keypad. Wherever possible I tend to use text or email, because I like to think about what I am going to say before I say it, and, obviously, you can rearrange what you have written to make it more understandable, if need be. It is sad that the world is so unaccomodating, sometimes, but I suppose we have to make the best of it.

I loathe telephones.  I have a land-line out of necessity, but still haven't ever had a cell-phone.

I get so frustrated with this.  It's not as if I can think of any examples of where a phone call has gone disastrously wrong for me.  In jobs I've had where the occasional phone call is unavoidable, I've been told that my telephone manner is pretty good overall.

But that doesn't stop me from becoming extremely enxious, and procrastinating and cogitating for hours, or even days, before I can make a call.  I wonder if maybe it is as much a phobia as an autistic social impairment, as it is so much worse than the anxiety that I get from dealing with people face-to-face (which is also considerable).

The irony is that in face-to-face interactions, I am very poor at recognising voice tone, facial expressions and body language - so it's not even as if I'm losing out on critical social cues by using the phone, as I'd likely miss them anyway!

I do try to use scripts a lot both on the phone and in conversation.  The trouble is that it only works so long as the other person follows the script (which of course they are unaware of) - as soon as they take a course of action that I neglected to plan for, I am hopelessly lost.  I also have to be very careful that the planning of my script doesn't just become another way of procrastinating so that I can avoid the call for longer.

Songwriter, in response to "if someone starts with "Hi, how are you?" I launch straight into "Hi, I'm trying to deal with this..." which isn't always ideal, and I'll then have to list everything I'm trying to deal with rather than tackling one issue at a time," 

Part of my list/script of things to say, and something I rehearse a lot for a particularly tricky call, is the opening line, which is a one or two sentence summary of why I'm phoning. I do this for tricky face to face conversations too, actually. An example is telling a business or shop about a problem with a product. I might say "hello, I bought [name the product or type of product] from you last month and it hasn't been working as I had expected."

The worst type of call for me is the negotiation of a new contract where, to get a better than advertised price, you are meant to threaten to leave, be incredulous at their initial offer and yet not cross the line of rudeness, then say "oh alright then, I'll stay" (well, not quite in those words!)

I also struggle a lot with calls, but in honesty I've found that I've not really needed to make any for the past year. Are there ways that you could further limit your phone calls?

Most companies now have a strong online/social media presence, so I will always do what I can to contact them by email or on Facebook and in most cases we never get to the stage of a call being needed.

For absolutely essential calls, I do go through the conversation in my head and plan myself a little script, writing notes to read from based on where the conversation might go. Admittedly the conversations don't always go where I expect them to, which can be difficult to deal with, but a script is better than going in with nothing.

The issue with the script, and the same applies to my real life conversations, is that I do then try to work through it. I attempt to get everything out as quickly as possible. I know that I then seem rude and like I'm rushing the conversation and ignoring other people, for example if someone starts with "Hi, how are you?" I launch straight into "Hi, I'm trying to deal with this..." which isn't always ideal, and I'll then have to list everything I'm trying to deal with rather than tackling one issue at a time, but ultimately I do end up getting through conversations with goals met, even if they haven't gone smoothly.

As curious suggested, I also do my best not to make any decisions on the phone or commit to anything. As an added side effect, this does make people realise that a phone call isn't actually getting anything from me and that actually, they'd be quicker dealing with me online, so that tends to help to reduce the number of calls but only in people that are experienced dealing with me. I always do what I can to push the conversation to an online medium, where I can control it better and have more time to think.

I'm ok receiving calls, and I'm ok making some calls (routine/specific/predictable/no pressure to make a quick decision). Other calls I put off for varying amounts of time.

Are there any particular types of calls that you are finding difficult?

For some calls I write a blurb, or key points and phrases of what I want to say. If my memory serves me correctly, I mainly do this for phone calls which will be emotive for me, and possibly for the other person, e.g. if I am telling them something they may not like to hear.

For less predictable calls where I have committed to making them (and not avoiding them!) I sometimes talk through the various outcomes with someone, using their answers as if I am filling in the gaps on a mental flowchart in advance of the call. This is more likely to be if someone has asked me to make a call (like in a work situation). Then, taking pen and paper to ascertain exactly they want me to find out enables me to list my questions that I want to cover, ready for making the call.

If I need to speak to someone for their benefit, it's easier, as I take the approach of simply finding out what they want to know. If they then try to press me for a decision about something, I assert that I'm not in a position to make a decision at this point in time, or need to check with someone else, or would like to take some time to consider. I.e. I am non-committal in the moment.

If possible I often seek an alternative for making a call, though as you have pointed out, this isn't always possible.

Would you say more about your difficulties and any strategies you have tried?