Inside Out the film: The most education I've ever had regarding my emotions

I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome a few months before my 18th birthday.

Until recently I was very ignorant of my emotions. They were something that happened to me and I often tried to ignore them or surpress them (resulting in meltdowns or on one occasion a bad case of ongoing alopecia that has since cleared up thanks to counselling).

A conversation with my sister (now diagnosed with ADD and being treated for anxiety) led to the chilling realisation that what I thought was feeling 'sad', was actually a panic attack.

It turns out I've been having severe panic attacks my entire life. The kind where my heart hurts and my chest constricts to the point where I can barely breathe. Where I shake so badly I can barely stand.

And I didn’t even know.

People always told me to ‘grow up’ or ‘you’re just sad deal with it’… so I learned to hide it. My own mother can’t tell when I’m so scared/upset that I feel my life is in danger. I just thought it meant I was 'sad'. That other people went through it all the time. That it made me weak.

That realisation led to me doubting everything. No one had ever actually explained emotions to me before, I went through a serious bout of depression which led to my diagnosis, so I know what it’s like to NOT feel… but it had me thinking, had I mislabelled all my other feelings?

My mum nearly cried when I asked her (I’m now 21) what happy felt like. She was lost for words. It took almost four hours for my mum and sister to explain the vague concept of what happy was, and that it wasn’t what I had always assumed meant ‘not feeling bad’ (i.e. apathy, not feeling anything in particular).

It’s been few weeks since this epiphany and I’ve just been to see the Disney/Pixar film ‘Inside Out’ (I studied animation at university so like watching animated films to study them).

It explained everything perfectly. What’s more, it made me feel (or at least relate) to the emotions on screen. After all this time, I understood the variations of anger, fear, disgust, joy… and most importantly sadness.

I learned how I didn’t have to just feel one emotion at a time. That emotions didn't just come in 'extreme'. That sometimes things can be both happy and sad, but it was ok. I also learned that it really was ok to be sad, that being sad is what showed I needed help (when my whole life I’d been led to assume being sad meant I was being a burden and should hide it).

I’d highly recommend to anyone on the spectrum to go and see this film, especially if they find themselves unsure of what Neurotypicals classify as each emotion.

 I’d also like to encourage those with loved ones on the spectrum to try discussing emotions more.

For years I viewed my emotions as something to be wary of. They were uncontrollable, unpredictable and often left me feeling vulnerable in a world where I trusted practically no one. If I had been able to learn this lesson when I was younger, perhaps I wouldn’t have become depressed. Perhaps the thought of an oncoming meltdown (while rare) wouldn’t induce a panic attack because it means I’d have to let someone see me without my ‘mask’.

It is ok to let people see you are sad. Its ok to feel more than one thing at a time without losing control.

I hope this helps someone.