Published on 12, July, 2020
Who am I? I have little idea. I know what I am interested in, and I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and what I like and dislike. I am often told that I am a very articulate and self-aware person.
However, most of my life has been an act. I have internalised multiple personas over the years, pretending to be someone I am not, regardless of whether this someone is real or a figment of my imagination. As an extreme example, once, when I was at school, I imitated the precise way a girl pouted her lip. I ended up pouting my lip, and must have looked quite ridiculous.
I try and imitate hair styles, dress styles, speech patterns, actions, almost anything. Sometimes this is very conscious, sometimes it is almost unconscious, but I am always aware that I am playing a part. Even when I am alone in my bedroom, I act 'through' others. Even my interests are often dictated by someone else, someone I admire or want to be like. It feels like I have no autonomy or 'self' that I can call my own; everything is stage managed.
My interests currently come and go, but I am only interested in one area of a subject, and find it hard to generalise my interest to related fields. I have always had this problem, but I am more aware of it now; it means that I find it hard to plan my life, decide what I want to do, and what I want to achieve in life.
I also get obsessed with certain people, and live my life 'through' them, often in fantasy.
Can anyone else relate to this lack of self, identity confusion?
Hi Hope copying others isnt a bad thing in my opinion especially if its someone you admire.I think it can help you become a better person yourself.I myself have done this and its not been a problem for me.
Marjorie195 Hi Imyself have had cbt and found it extremely helpful I use the techniques like you said and its helped me in many ways.