Published on 12, July, 2020
Are there any other people on this forum with Asperger's who literally have no friends at this point in time, and that includes being in a relationship?
I have had friends before, but not since I was 11 years old, and the friendships I had as a child usually broke down after only a few weeks. I have a history of struggling to maintain friendships, although they were enjoyable while they lasted, but once I started secondary school, making friends became completely insurmountable. I became a loner, the kid no-one talked to, and I amused myself. Not that I really minded this at the time, because I had my own interests to fall back on, and I soon came to the conclusion that small talk was too difficult, pointless, and often boring. Why bother with something that is so difficult and made me feel so stupid and tense?
However recently I have started to question whether or not I should try and make friends again. I do like company, and I don't want to spend my life alone. I want to have a soul-mate, someone I can enjoy life with, and go places with. However I need a lot of time alone as well - this is my conundrum.
Is it normal within the world of AS not to have any friends at all? At school I was excluded from friendship groups because I did not speak enough, or was too clingy!. I tried my hardest to fit in; I took on the quiet 'good girl' persona, but this did not work, so I became troublesome and annoyed people to get some social feedback. Obviously this just meant that I was singled out as weird and strange, but no one told me how to navigate the social world (I was not diagnosed until I was 21).
Although I was lucky in the sense I was not overtly bullied (I was just a loner and removed myself from the crowd), the experience of being alone while other girls chatted and laughed together has left me with an inferiority complex. I often feel diminutive both literally (I am very small anyway) and figuratively; there is a feeling that I am diseased, dirty, and completely unlikeable. Most of the time these feelings are repressed, but theu come to the surface from time to time - a legacy of social exclusion.
Am I the only one who has not had a 'friend' since childhood, if at all?
I can really relate to what everyone is saying on here about issues with making friends and maintaining friendships. So many of the comments bring back memories for me of being at school and feeling miserable and lonely. I remember when I first started at secondary school I clung onto one girl at the start and didn't have any other friends and one day she turned around to me and said "I don't want you to hang around with me anymore" and marched off leaving me standing there alone in a big scary corridor. And off I went wandering the playground like a little lost puppy. Kids can be so cruel. And adults just as cruel. I can think of many a horrible experience in any number of my many jobs I've struggled to hold down. And I can relate to the comments about how it gets to the point where you begin to feel dirty or tainted or diseased somehow because thats how people sometimes treat you just because you're very quiet or different or quircky. I have learnt over the years to wear a mask to appear 'normal' but those memories of loneliness and rejection over the years never leave you.