Hi All - New Here

SalientBeing said:

Does this sound like the behaviour of someone who has fought to reach 50 by trying to mask their traits, but might actually be fighting the spectrum? It's creating untold problems for me now, both mentally and in terms of relationships.

It's not really possible to advise you on whether you're autistic. You could take some of the tests and see how you score. If you want to, you can go on from there to seek diagnosis. Some of us never seek diagnosis (for various reasons, including long waiting lists and inability to pay privately) but self-identify instead.

A number of us are late-diagnosed. I was diagnosed a couple of months ago, in my early 70s, mainly because the huge advances of the last decade have recognised autism in women far more than before. You can find out more advice in the NAS advice and guidance section.

You're welcome here, whatever you choose to do.

Thank you for your kind response.

I'll admit that I wasn't seeking a confirmation or anything like that. It was more to see if anyone could relate to any of the points. I've done a couple of online tests before (and scored very highly), but I never like to accept the output of something like these unless there is backing (it's not a scam etc).

I mean, I've just literally (about 10 minutes ago) had an argument with my wife about her asking me "What do you want for tea" and me replying "Dunno" because I couldn't compute the options (brain flood). I happened to say "What if the cause of this might be some level of autism, as you worked in a nursery and had to work with children like this?" Her response was "Well you'd better learn how to work round it as I have to make all the decisions".

I asked her how long she'd noticed things like this, and to my surprise (or not), she said "You've always been like this, but it didn't bother me as much in the past as it does now". That makes me worried.

Hi SalientBeing . I can empathise. Assessed a few years back in early 50s. Married for 28 years now.

like you I was bullied when young and did not connect with others except one or two. I have found I lack a social component.

As mentioned above, the loss of voice is a shutdown - you are overwhelmed. My wife and I have some ‘go to’ meals and sometimes I eat different things. My menu is not large which narrows selection to a few known dishes. Occasionally an additional meal goes in to mix things up. This simplifies the situation.

It also sounds as if there are increasing occurrences or expressions that are being noted by your wife.

A trick is finding which things in your behaviour are non-negotiable e.g., you may self-stim in a particular way. Some behaviours are about discussion or finding a way that avoids or changes the situation (not the behaviour) e.g., reducing meals to a predetermined menu rather than an open list to avoid decision paralysis.

Just as some things affect you, there are some (not necessarily you) that affect your wife. It may be something else that is making your wife ‘raw’ to your actions. 
You chose each other - don’t try and walk the path alone.

Being genetic - there is a high chance of a neurodevelopmental difference with your child. Learn more and you will all be better off.

Hi Alexa ,

I can't explain the hiding away thing - its very unusual! It's almost like I reach a point where the amount of data flooding in, reaches a point where it can't be ingested anymore. Ever since I was a child I can remember using fur blankets for comfort and stimming (the feeling of the fur and running my fingers through it), and I guess that's carried through to adulthood. Whether I decide to hide away in the bathroom, or on the bed wrapped in the fur throw depends on who is around me and where they are. If my wife is around and likely to see me roll up in the throw on the bed, then I'll usually go for the bathroom instead. The blanket offers the comfort of some degree of sensory deprivation - with your eyes and ears covered, that unrelenting 'flow' of data is impeded enough to promote a cool down and resync.

Sorry to hear about your ex-husband and that must have been a frightening thing to encounter. I know someone who was in similar circumstances and at one point, they thought he might take a tragic decision - thankfully he didn't. His fight with stress lasted about 18 months, and he recovered from it almost completely (he was left with slight anxiety disorder which he underwent CBT for).

In my particular case this has been going on for decades; like I said my wife has always been 'aware' that something about me wasn't right in the sense of the word. But as she said, potentially you could think that of anyone but you're only going to raise and challenge it if it continues or worsens.

My 'strops' as I'll continue to call them, are a consequence of a number of things. I can get so ingrained into a task that I almost become detached from the real world. Whether that be furry art / painting, reading a science article (one of my favourite areas of knowledge), going a DIY task, or simply gardening, I simply lose myself in it entirely. But then comes the wife issue (as lovely as she is, despite her misunderstandings). My wife doesn't drive and she's the sort of person who almost detests staying at home. I could set up in the dining room and sketch and draw for hours, and I'd be 110% happy with that. My wife always wants to go out to places like garden centres (even if she doesn't need anything), just to look round. That means what time I have for my art and hobbies becomes sparse and then I get the frustration of getting going and only being able to do a little bit before it's bed time. I feels like a broken pair of scales where they never actually balance.

But after speaking with some in my furry community, there were a lot of things I'd never considered:

• Playing out at school was my absolute nemesis - I couldn't tolerate being in and amongst so many people and all the screaming and shouting. I spent my break and lunchtimes racing round the corridors inside, attempting to avoid eviction to the playground.
• I always hated assemblies - again, lots of people in a fairly small space.
• I hated team sports in PE, preferring small number sports like tennis, swimming, badminton etc.
• I used to wait and try to be the last out at the end of the day to avoid having to be part of the crowds of other pupiles trying to get home.
• I was bullied heavily for a variety of reasons such as having few friends. Being called a 'total swot' or teacher's pet because I had a good (albeit autistic) relationship with teachers, and would prefer to be with them and do work other than socialise with class mates. I used to get bullied for not bowing to peer pressure, my appearance, having fixed rules that I followed, not wanting to overstep the line - issues that all probably stem from wanting structure and controls in my life.
• Later on in life, in every job I've had, I get disciplined for being far too wordy in everything I write (emails, documentation, memos etc).
• I have trouble splicing into conversations, and I've had a lot of people call me the 'factoid man' as I seem to have an ability to recall many, many seemingly pointless facts and information. I also cut people up in conversations a lot as I find it difficult o judge when they have finished, or whether they are just taking a breath.
• I don't like eye contact one bit - over the last 50 years I've been able to force myself to look people in the face when taking to them, and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
• Emotions starting to spill over - I've always been said to have the most miserable, but most perfect poker face where no-one can read how I'm feeling - that has been useful over the years.

But I've booked a review for something unrelated at the doctor's, but put a note on he end of the appointment content to see if we can break the ice and start to talk about this constructively. I don't know if I want to proceed to a full diagnosis (I may go down that path, but not sure). The main thing I want to find an answer to, is whether or not there's 'something' going on and whether autism is potentially a cause. All the evidence I've heard so far in conversations with others, those of you on here, in my fandom, relatives, friends, and the sheer amount of time this has been unknowingly going on for, I'd be surprised if there was any other explanation but I'm open minded if that was to be the case.

SalientBeing said:

long periods hiding away in the toilet, or under the fur throw on our bed to escape the world, have become far more frequent.

My ex-husband would hide under the table at the beginning of his year-long nervous breakdown when we were married. It wasn't autism, but he and his siblings were all scarred by their mother's demanding behaviour and his reaction caused a few of these in his life. Although he shared some symptoms with yours, his lasted for 6 months and, after a year, he returned to his usual life. During that initial period, his mother was as unsympathetic as your mother-in-law is to you, so I understand how distressing that can be.

He also chronically started things but couldn't continue with them. In his case, I don't think it was a matter of being interrupted, but I understand how difficult it is for us autistics. One feature of autism that affects us in different ways is transtioning from one thing to another. When I'm writing a book, I loathe having to break off to do something else. The worst was going on holiday in the middle of a book, as it took me so long to get back into the right headspace.

SalientBeing said:

I can't physically hide my true self anymore, and that is why my wife is picking up ono things more often.

It's difficult for both of you. My husband returned to normal, but it's not the same when you're autistic. As you say, your mask is becoming more difficult for you to maintain.

SalientBeing said:

I'm an active member of the furry fandom

I've come across otherkin, therians and Bronies. The community can be nourishing and supportive. I've never been part of it, but the heroine in the novels I wrote for 20 years is a werewolf, and I so I was familiar with living in the mindset of different senses and culture. 

SalientBeing said:

"Autism is just an excuse for that behaviour - that's stress and nothing else"

No, my ex-husband's was stress. As I say, he returned to his norm eventually. Autism is a different wiring, not a temporary imbalance. A meldown or burnout is the stress of being forced to live according to non-native standards in a world that doesn't allow for us. The more we have, or the worse they are, the more difficult it is to accommodate the anon-autisitic world. Not that I expect your mother-in-law would accept that.

SalientBeing said:

long periods hiding away in the toilet, or under the fur throw on our bed to escape the world, have become far more frequent.

My ex-husband would hide under the table at the beginning of his year-long nervous breakdown when we were married. It wasn't autism, but he and his siblings were all scarred by their mother's demanding behaviour and his reaction caused a few of these in his life. Although he shared some symptoms with yours, his lasted for 6 months and, after a year, he returned to his usual life. During that initial period, his mother was as unsympathetic as your mother-in-law is to you, so I understand how distressing that can be.

He also chronically started things but couldn't continue with them. In his case, I don't think it was a matter of being interrupted, but I understand how difficult it is for us autistics. One feature of autism that affects us in different ways is transtioning from one thing to another. When I'm writing a book, I loathe having to break off to do something else. The worst was going on holiday in the middle of a book, as it took me so long to get back into the right headspace.

SalientBeing said:

I can't physically hide my true self anymore, and that is why my wife is picking up ono things more often.

It's difficult for both of you. My husband returned to normal, but it's not the same when you're autistic. As you say, your mask is becoming more difficult for you to maintain.

SalientBeing said:

I'm an active member of the furry fandom

I've come across otherkin, therians and Bronies. The community can be nourishing and supportive. I've never been part of it, but the heroine in the novels I wrote for 20 years is a werewolf, and I so I was familiar with living in the mindset of different senses and culture. 

SalientBeing said:

"Autism is just an excuse for that behaviour - that's stress and nothing else"

No, my ex-husband's was stress. As I say, he returned to his norm eventually. Autism is a different wiring, not a temporary imbalance. A meldown or burnout is the stress of being forced to live according to non-native standards in a world that doesn't allow for us. The more we have, or the worse they are, the more difficult it is to accommodate the anon-autisitic world. Not that I expect your mother-in-law would accept that.

Hi Alexa ,

I can't explain the hiding away thing - its very unusual! It's almost like I reach a point where the amount of data flooding in, reaches a point where it can't be ingested anymore. Ever since I was a child I can remember using fur blankets for comfort and stimming (the feeling of the fur and running my fingers through it), and I guess that's carried through to adulthood. Whether I decide to hide away in the bathroom, or on the bed wrapped in the fur throw depends on who is around me and where they are. If my wife is around and likely to see me roll up in the throw on the bed, then I'll usually go for the bathroom instead. The blanket offers the comfort of some degree of sensory deprivation - with your eyes and ears covered, that unrelenting 'flow' of data is impeded enough to promote a cool down and resync.

Sorry to hear about your ex-husband and that must have been a frightening thing to encounter. I know someone who was in similar circumstances and at one point, they thought he might take a tragic decision - thankfully he didn't. His fight with stress lasted about 18 months, and he recovered from it almost completely (he was left with slight anxiety disorder which he underwent CBT for).

In my particular case this has been going on for decades; like I said my wife has always been 'aware' that something about me wasn't right in the sense of the word. But as she said, potentially you could think that of anyone but you're only going to raise and challenge it if it continues or worsens.

My 'strops' as I'll continue to call them, are a consequence of a number of things. I can get so ingrained into a task that I almost become detached from the real world. Whether that be furry art / painting, reading a science article (one of my favourite areas of knowledge), going a DIY task, or simply gardening, I simply lose myself in it entirely. But then comes the wife issue (as lovely as she is, despite her misunderstandings). My wife doesn't drive and she's the sort of person who almost detests staying at home. I could set up in the dining room and sketch and draw for hours, and I'd be 110% happy with that. My wife always wants to go out to places like garden centres (even if she doesn't need anything), just to look round. That means what time I have for my art and hobbies becomes sparse and then I get the frustration of getting going and only being able to do a little bit before it's bed time. I feels like a broken pair of scales where they never actually balance.

But after speaking with some in my furry community, there were a lot of things I'd never considered:

• Playing out at school was my absolute nemesis - I couldn't tolerate being in and amongst so many people and all the screaming and shouting. I spent my break and lunchtimes racing round the corridors inside, attempting to avoid eviction to the playground.
• I always hated assemblies - again, lots of people in a fairly small space.
• I hated team sports in PE, preferring small number sports like tennis, swimming, badminton etc.
• I used to wait and try to be the last out at the end of the day to avoid having to be part of the crowds of other pupiles trying to get home.
• I was bullied heavily for a variety of reasons such as having few friends. Being called a 'total swot' or teacher's pet because I had a good (albeit autistic) relationship with teachers, and would prefer to be with them and do work other than socialise with class mates. I used to get bullied for not bowing to peer pressure, my appearance, having fixed rules that I followed, not wanting to overstep the line - issues that all probably stem from wanting structure and controls in my life.
• Later on in life, in every job I've had, I get disciplined for being far too wordy in everything I write (emails, documentation, memos etc).
• I have trouble splicing into conversations, and I've had a lot of people call me the 'factoid man' as I seem to have an ability to recall many, many seemingly pointless facts and information. I also cut people up in conversations a lot as I find it difficult o judge when they have finished, or whether they are just taking a breath.
• I don't like eye contact one bit - over the last 50 years I've been able to force myself to look people in the face when taking to them, and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
• Emotions starting to spill over - I've always been said to have the most miserable, but most perfect poker face where no-one can read how I'm feeling - that has been useful over the years.

But I've booked a review for something unrelated at the doctor's, but put a note on he end of the appointment content to see if we can break the ice and start to talk about this constructively. I don't know if I want to proceed to a full diagnosis (I may go down that path, but not sure). The main thing I want to find an answer to, is whether or not there's 'something' going on and whether autism is potentially a cause. All the evidence I've heard so far in conversations with others, those of you on here, in my fandom, relatives, friends, and the sheer amount of time this has been unknowingly going on for, I'd be surprised if there was any other explanation but I'm open minded if that was to be the case.