Hi All - New Here

SalientBeing said:

Does this sound like the behaviour of someone who has fought to reach 50 by trying to mask their traits, but might actually be fighting the spectrum? It's creating untold problems for me now, both mentally and in terms of relationships.

It's not really possible to advise you on whether you're autistic. You could take some of the tests and see how you score. If you want to, you can go on from there to seek diagnosis. Some of us never seek diagnosis (for various reasons, including long waiting lists and inability to pay privately) but self-identify instead.

A number of us are late-diagnosed. I was diagnosed a couple of months ago, in my early 70s, mainly because the huge advances of the last decade have recognised autism in women far more than before. You can find out more advice in the NAS advice and guidance section.

You're welcome here, whatever you choose to do.

Thank you for your kind response.

I'll admit that I wasn't seeking a confirmation or anything like that. It was more to see if anyone could relate to any of the points. I've done a couple of online tests before (and scored very highly), but I never like to accept the output of something like these unless there is backing (it's not a scam etc).

I mean, I've just literally (about 10 minutes ago) had an argument with my wife about her asking me "What do you want for tea" and me replying "Dunno" because I couldn't compute the options (brain flood). I happened to say "What if the cause of this might be some level of autism, as you worked in a nursery and had to work with children like this?" Her response was "Well you'd better learn how to work round it as I have to make all the decisions".

I asked her how long she'd noticed things like this, and to my surprise (or not), she said "You've always been like this, but it didn't bother me as much in the past as it does now". That makes me worried.

Hi SalientBeing . I can empathise. Assessed a few years back in early 50s. Married for 28 years now.

like you I was bullied when young and did not connect with others except one or two. I have found I lack a social component.

As mentioned above, the loss of voice is a shutdown - you are overwhelmed. My wife and I have some ‘go to’ meals and sometimes I eat different things. My menu is not large which narrows selection to a few known dishes. Occasionally an additional meal goes in to mix things up. This simplifies the situation.

It also sounds as if there are increasing occurrences or expressions that are being noted by your wife.

A trick is finding which things in your behaviour are non-negotiable e.g., you may self-stim in a particular way. Some behaviours are about discussion or finding a way that avoids or changes the situation (not the behaviour) e.g., reducing meals to a predetermined menu rather than an open list to avoid decision paralysis.

Just as some things affect you, there are some (not necessarily you) that affect your wife. It may be something else that is making your wife ‘raw’ to your actions. 
You chose each other - don’t try and walk the path alone.

Being genetic - there is a high chance of a neurodevelopmental difference with your child. Learn more and you will all be better off.

Hi Alexa,

I can definitely make distinct connections with what you have said there, and a lot of parallels can be drawn.

Like I said, I consider myself self-diagnosed at the moment, but have arranged an appointment to speak with a GP about it. When I've spoken with people in my VERY inner circle (my parents, my wife etc), the core point I seem to get is "How come this is only coming to light now if potentially you've had it all that time?" My wife says she's noted episodes for many years but just shrugged It off as 'that's how he is'. But she's said recently that case of shutdown, frustration at being broken off tasks, half done tasks (where I HAVE been broken away), and long periods hiding away in the toilet, or under the fur throw on our bed to escape the world, have become far more frequent. My mother-in-law (who has absolutely no sympathy or understanding, and if anything exacerbates the issue), ridicules me when this happens, and tries to force me into involvement fully against my will, but I can't bring myself to say "No", and instead have to tolerate the pain.

Recently I've found myself bursting into tears (not a quick sniffle - full on floods), at what I would have previously considered inanimate things. I'm an active member of the furry fandom (and have been since my days at university, although I largely kept it under wraps due to factually incorrect stereotypes which I didn't want associated with me.) My interests were in the art side, and how some of these people could create amazing art and in some cases, even turn that into an actual costume - it fascinated me, so I took up drawing and art.

The other day I was completing my first major piece of art which I'd been working on for a couple of days. When I looked at it, my mind immediately swung to the community I was part of, and the tears came in their litres! That is VERY hard for a 50 year old man to admit, who hasn't shed a single tear since his grandma died when he was 17. I have since spoken with a family friend who was late diagnosed, and he said he goes through the same regularly. He said he was told its a consequence of built up emotions and burnout, which accumulates and can be thought of as a mask. That mask is a shroud where you try to be 'normal' even though you know underneath that something isn't, but there comes a point in life, where that 'mask' can't keep you covered any longer, and burn out and major emotion starts to spill out, and your vulnerable self starts to leak from behind it. I can only assume that's what I'm going through at the momet. I can't physically hide my true self anymore, and that is why my wife is picking up ono things more often.

I have to say that being in the fandom and working on art, has exposed the fact that a lot of people in there are neurodivergent, and they are also very supportive of people like myself who are coming to terms with a potential discover that they aren't who they thought they were, and it's starting to show. There are people in my community from 18 to 80, neurodivergent, LGBTQ+, but they are so caring and supportive (like the people who have already spoken to me on here). It feels like a place of solace and escape here people actually understand how I feel right now.

My mother in law yesterday observed a 'strop', and said "Autism is just an excuse for that behaviour - that's stress and nothing else". I had been working on my art which was completed that evening, and the mother in law decided that she wanted to go out somewhere instead of stay at home, and I would have to drive. That was a disconnect from my focus on my art, so as part of the strop, I stormed quietly upstairs to the bedroom, wrapped myself in he fur throw on our bed, and made sure I snuggled it tightly round my ears to block out the criticism and comments coming from downstairs -- I remained their for about 15 minutes until the overload died down, and I felt ready to face the world again.

Out of interest I looked up the difference this morning in case there was one. From what I read, stress has similar symptoms, but it also causes a cessation of interests, past times, hobbies, and other means that a person would use to pass time. I don't get that - I'm very, very heavily absorbed in my artwork, and I only get real frustration and overload, if I'm pulled away from it for any reason other than my own decision.

Hi Alexa,

I can definitely make distinct connections with what you have said there, and a lot of parallels can be drawn.

Like I said, I consider myself self-diagnosed at the moment, but have arranged an appointment to speak with a GP about it. When I've spoken with people in my VERY inner circle (my parents, my wife etc), the core point I seem to get is "How come this is only coming to light now if potentially you've had it all that time?" My wife says she's noted episodes for many years but just shrugged It off as 'that's how he is'. But she's said recently that case of shutdown, frustration at being broken off tasks, half done tasks (where I HAVE been broken away), and long periods hiding away in the toilet, or under the fur throw on our bed to escape the world, have become far more frequent. My mother-in-law (who has absolutely no sympathy or understanding, and if anything exacerbates the issue), ridicules me when this happens, and tries to force me into involvement fully against my will, but I can't bring myself to say "No", and instead have to tolerate the pain.

Recently I've found myself bursting into tears (not a quick sniffle - full on floods), at what I would have previously considered inanimate things. I'm an active member of the furry fandom (and have been since my days at university, although I largely kept it under wraps due to factually incorrect stereotypes which I didn't want associated with me.) My interests were in the art side, and how some of these people could create amazing art and in some cases, even turn that into an actual costume - it fascinated me, so I took up drawing and art.

The other day I was completing my first major piece of art which I'd been working on for a couple of days. When I looked at it, my mind immediately swung to the community I was part of, and the tears came in their litres! That is VERY hard for a 50 year old man to admit, who hasn't shed a single tear since his grandma died when he was 17. I have since spoken with a family friend who was late diagnosed, and he said he goes through the same regularly. He said he was told its a consequence of built up emotions and burnout, which accumulates and can be thought of as a mask. That mask is a shroud where you try to be 'normal' even though you know underneath that something isn't, but there comes a point in life, where that 'mask' can't keep you covered any longer, and burn out and major emotion starts to spill out, and your vulnerable self starts to leak from behind it. I can only assume that's what I'm going through at the momet. I can't physically hide my true self anymore, and that is why my wife is picking up ono things more often.

I have to say that being in the fandom and working on art, has exposed the fact that a lot of people in there are neurodivergent, and they are also very supportive of people like myself who are coming to terms with a potential discover that they aren't who they thought they were, and it's starting to show. There are people in my community from 18 to 80, neurodivergent, LGBTQ+, but they are so caring and supportive (like the people who have already spoken to me on here). It feels like a place of solace and escape here people actually understand how I feel right now.

My mother in law yesterday observed a 'strop', and said "Autism is just an excuse for that behaviour - that's stress and nothing else". I had been working on my art which was completed that evening, and the mother in law decided that she wanted to go out somewhere instead of stay at home, and I would have to drive. That was a disconnect from my focus on my art, so as part of the strop, I stormed quietly upstairs to the bedroom, wrapped myself in he fur throw on our bed, and made sure I snuggled it tightly round my ears to block out the criticism and comments coming from downstairs -- I remained their for about 15 minutes until the overload died down, and I felt ready to face the world again.

Out of interest I looked up the difference this morning in case there was one. From what I read, stress has similar symptoms, but it also causes a cessation of interests, past times, hobbies, and other means that a person would use to pass time. I don't get that - I'm very, very heavily absorbed in my artwork, and I only get real frustration and overload, if I'm pulled away from it for any reason other than my own decision.