Hi All - New Here

SalientBeing said:

Does this sound like the behaviour of someone who has fought to reach 50 by trying to mask their traits, but might actually be fighting the spectrum? It's creating untold problems for me now, both mentally and in terms of relationships.

It's not really possible to advise you on whether you're autistic. You could take some of the tests and see how you score. If you want to, you can go on from there to seek diagnosis. Some of us never seek diagnosis (for various reasons, including long waiting lists and inability to pay privately) but self-identify instead.

A number of us are late-diagnosed. I was diagnosed a couple of months ago, in my early 70s, mainly because the huge advances of the last decade have recognised autism in women far more than before. You can find out more advice in the NAS advice and guidance section.

You're welcome here, whatever you choose to do.

Thank you for your kind response.

I'll admit that I wasn't seeking a confirmation or anything like that. It was more to see if anyone could relate to any of the points. I've done a couple of online tests before (and scored very highly), but I never like to accept the output of something like these unless there is backing (it's not a scam etc).

I mean, I've just literally (about 10 minutes ago) had an argument with my wife about her asking me "What do you want for tea" and me replying "Dunno" because I couldn't compute the options (brain flood). I happened to say "What if the cause of this might be some level of autism, as you worked in a nursery and had to work with children like this?" Her response was "Well you'd better learn how to work round it as I have to make all the decisions".

I asked her how long she'd noticed things like this, and to my surprise (or not), she said "You've always been like this, but it didn't bother me as much in the past as it does now". That makes me worried.

Hi SalientBeing . I can empathise. Assessed a few years back in early 50s. Married for 28 years now.

like you I was bullied when young and did not connect with others except one or two. I have found I lack a social component.

As mentioned above, the loss of voice is a shutdown - you are overwhelmed. My wife and I have some ‘go to’ meals and sometimes I eat different things. My menu is not large which narrows selection to a few known dishes. Occasionally an additional meal goes in to mix things up. This simplifies the situation.

It also sounds as if there are increasing occurrences or expressions that are being noted by your wife.

A trick is finding which things in your behaviour are non-negotiable e.g., you may self-stim in a particular way. Some behaviours are about discussion or finding a way that avoids or changes the situation (not the behaviour) e.g., reducing meals to a predetermined menu rather than an open list to avoid decision paralysis.

Just as some things affect you, there are some (not necessarily you) that affect your wife. It may be something else that is making your wife ‘raw’ to your actions. 
You chose each other - don’t try and walk the path alone.

Being genetic - there is a high chance of a neurodevelopmental difference with your child. Learn more and you will all be better off.

Hi SalientBeing . I can empathise. Assessed a few years back in early 50s. Married for 28 years now.

like you I was bullied when young and did not connect with others except one or two. I have found I lack a social component.

As mentioned above, the loss of voice is a shutdown - you are overwhelmed. My wife and I have some ‘go to’ meals and sometimes I eat different things. My menu is not large which narrows selection to a few known dishes. Occasionally an additional meal goes in to mix things up. This simplifies the situation.

It also sounds as if there are increasing occurrences or expressions that are being noted by your wife.

A trick is finding which things in your behaviour are non-negotiable e.g., you may self-stim in a particular way. Some behaviours are about discussion or finding a way that avoids or changes the situation (not the behaviour) e.g., reducing meals to a predetermined menu rather than an open list to avoid decision paralysis.

Just as some things affect you, there are some (not necessarily you) that affect your wife. It may be something else that is making your wife ‘raw’ to your actions. 
You chose each other - don’t try and walk the path alone.

Being genetic - there is a high chance of a neurodevelopmental difference with your child. Learn more and you will all be better off.

SalientBeing said:

I had to storm out of the house, and go on a 10 minute walk to escape it.

My father (whom I suspect was autistic) used to go out driving in these circumstances. Sometimes I asked to go with him. We didn't talk, but it was nice just driving around.

I froze once when I was getting married and my in-laws took me to a shop to chose a wedding cake. I just couldn't get involved and they berated me for not engaging. I think I made responses after that, but I was still 'absent' in my head and can't remember what I said or how it affected anything. They were a bit set in their ways, especially my mother-in-law, who would have nothing to do with anything she deemed 'mental illness'. My main comfort is always to have a mug of coffee to hand and she forbade that - coffee was only to be drunk at the mid-morning coffee break. She tried to insist I drank tea in the mid-afternoon teatime, but I managed to put my foot down about that, as I don't drink tea. Putting up with her was always a nightmare, but at least my husband found her equally difficult.

Their attitudes rubbed off on their daughter who, although she became a GP, once told me that she couldn't cope with anything 'mental'. Perhaps your in-laws' attitude has rubbed off on your wife, and it's only beginning to surface now. It sounds as though she hoped the GP would "sort out" everything, as though he or you could rewire your brain. I can understand and sympathise with her wish that someone would wave a magic wand and everything would make her life easier, but we all know things don't work that way.

Perhaps the way forward would be with autistic-friendly couples therapy, where you can talk things through with a an independent expert who might help you both establish rules and behaviours that would amek life a little easier for both of you. It would take compromise on both sides, of course, but if you both care for each other, that can be done. I went through it with my husband, when we were floundering. There's a directory on this site that can help you find a therapist in your area.

AutistIQ said:

and

Hi AutistIQ ,

Thanks for your reply and comments.

You are indeed correct in that there's a lot of parallels that can be drawn from your comment, some I was completely unaware of. Use of the word 'ill' is bad here, but I'm only using it to make my point. Until recently, I take the view that you only know you're 'ill' if you know what feeling 'ill' is like. If you don't, then you just consider how you feel, how you act, and the way forward as normal.

But in reference to some of your points (and forgive me if this gets a bit wordy). You obviously mentioned this concept of 'shutdowns'. I do get this a LOT, and in all sorts of situations. The worst example was when we had a boundary dispute with a neighbouring land owner. My in laws were over, and after some heated discussions, I received a barrage of "Where's this document?", "How much have you paid X?" "Have you done this?", in a relentless torrent. After a bit of mumbling with a completely empty head, I just couldn't physically speak anymore. I had to storm out of the house, and go on a 10 minute walk to escape it. That didn't bode well with the in laws who accused me of being ignorant, irresponsible, and just trying to shrug the issue off.

But the above also happens in less heated situations too. For example, if I'm sat on the sofa on an evening with my wife watching TV, she might sometimes lecture me on something, or some behaviour. I can get shutdowns in those situations too, and my wife's response is simply "Well it's clear you won't answer me, so I don't know why I bother!" I always feel like I'm on a losing battle, and the cause of all the problems.

You mentioned about 'self-stim', which I'd never heard of, and had to Google it, leaving me shocked and surprised. I've been unknowingly doing this since childhood, and never once realised why I did it. When I was little, I remember being drawn to the softness and warmth of furry blankets - that wasn't unusual as most kids are. I had one white fur blanket which had a ribbon edge all the way round it. I used to run that ribbon edge between my fingers whenever I felt insecure or 'not right', and it used to help me to fall asleep even when worried.

As an adult this continues. I'm still drawn to the tactile properties of fur and blankets, and have a couple as my 'retreat shields', where I can let overloads pass. I just wrap myself in them tightly, and let the contents of my mind drain away and settle. But when I go to bed, almost autonomously, I will try to get a fold in the duvet cover between my toes and then run my toes up and down it. It's immensely soothing, but I had no idea this was basically stimming - I didn't know about it until you mentioned it.

I think the one problem I have here is going to be my wife and my in laws. My wife worked as a childminder and nursery nurse for about 32 years, and I know that she's had to do countless courses on ADHD and autism over the years. But she doesn't seem to apply that training to me. She was one of the people who suggested raising this with a GP (which I did), but then seems oblivious to the consequences.

As an example, I showed her the results of that AG50 test the other day, explained what it was and tried to make connections with my inadvertent behaviours and the results of that test. Instead of sympathy, I received the answer of "Well if that test concludes autism, then at least you'll be able to change your ways, and avoid this silly behaviour which has been driving me mad". I took that very personally - don't get me wrong I love her to bits along with my 6 year old IVF son, but I'm worried this is going to drive a wedge between us.

My in laws are a different kettle of fish. They are quite 'bolshy' and take the view that what they believe is right, even if facts dispute it. The mother in law has opened stated in the past (not related to me), that there is no such thing as autism and ADHD in kids - it's just an excuse for naughty kids. She also doesn't believe there's such a thing as autism in adults - I think she believes it's something you grow out of, and claiming you have autism as an adult is just a cop out from tackling life head on. My father in law is a little bit more connected, as he's mentioned before that I can mention something to him one week, and then mention it again a week later. He's also mentioned in the past about how I can go into too much detail describing something inherently simple.

My parents are likely to be significantly more sympathetic, but I haven't suggested it to them yet. It's behind closed doors.

So that's where I am at the moment. I'm not confident that if I went on to, and waited to get a formal diagnosis, that my wife would be accepting of the outcome, and willing to make the necessary changes to make her and my life easier. I'm also worried If there is the potential that my little boy might have some traits of this. On the whole he's quite good - he's got a big circle of friends at school, loves school and does a lot of hobbies. But he DOES have some anxiety issues in new situations, and some attachment anxiety with my wife.