Hi All - New Here

SalientBeing said:

Does this sound like the behaviour of someone who has fought to reach 50 by trying to mask their traits, but might actually be fighting the spectrum? It's creating untold problems for me now, both mentally and in terms of relationships.

It's not really possible to advise you on whether you're autistic. You could take some of the tests and see how you score. If you want to, you can go on from there to seek diagnosis. Some of us never seek diagnosis (for various reasons, including long waiting lists and inability to pay privately) but self-identify instead.

A number of us are late-diagnosed. I was diagnosed a couple of months ago, in my early 70s, mainly because the huge advances of the last decade have recognised autism in women far more than before. You can find out more advice in the NAS advice and guidance section.

You're welcome here, whatever you choose to do.

Thank you for your kind response.

I'll admit that I wasn't seeking a confirmation or anything like that. It was more to see if anyone could relate to any of the points. I've done a couple of online tests before (and scored very highly), but I never like to accept the output of something like these unless there is backing (it's not a scam etc).

I mean, I've just literally (about 10 minutes ago) had an argument with my wife about her asking me "What do you want for tea" and me replying "Dunno" because I couldn't compute the options (brain flood). I happened to say "What if the cause of this might be some level of autism, as you worked in a nursery and had to work with children like this?" Her response was "Well you'd better learn how to work round it as I have to make all the decisions".

I asked her how long she'd noticed things like this, and to my surprise (or not), she said "You've always been like this, but it didn't bother me as much in the past as it does now". That makes me worried.

Hi SalientBeing . I can empathise. Assessed a few years back in early 50s. Married for 28 years now.

like you I was bullied when young and did not connect with others except one or two. I have found I lack a social component.

As mentioned above, the loss of voice is a shutdown - you are overwhelmed. My wife and I have some ‘go to’ meals and sometimes I eat different things. My menu is not large which narrows selection to a few known dishes. Occasionally an additional meal goes in to mix things up. This simplifies the situation.

It also sounds as if there are increasing occurrences or expressions that are being noted by your wife.

A trick is finding which things in your behaviour are non-negotiable e.g., you may self-stim in a particular way. Some behaviours are about discussion or finding a way that avoids or changes the situation (not the behaviour) e.g., reducing meals to a predetermined menu rather than an open list to avoid decision paralysis.

Just as some things affect you, there are some (not necessarily you) that affect your wife. It may be something else that is making your wife ‘raw’ to your actions. 
You chose each other - don’t try and walk the path alone.

Being genetic - there is a high chance of a neurodevelopmental difference with your child. Learn more and you will all be better off.

SalientBeing said:

I had to storm out of the house, and go on a 10 minute walk to escape it.

My father (whom I suspect was autistic) used to go out driving in these circumstances. Sometimes I asked to go with him. We didn't talk, but it was nice just driving around.

I froze once when I was getting married and my in-laws took me to a shop to chose a wedding cake. I just couldn't get involved and they berated me for not engaging. I think I made responses after that, but I was still 'absent' in my head and can't remember what I said or how it affected anything. They were a bit set in their ways, especially my mother-in-law, who would have nothing to do with anything she deemed 'mental illness'. My main comfort is always to have a mug of coffee to hand and she forbade that - coffee was only to be drunk at the mid-morning coffee break. She tried to insist I drank tea in the mid-afternoon teatime, but I managed to put my foot down about that, as I don't drink tea. Putting up with her was always a nightmare, but at least my husband found her equally difficult.

Their attitudes rubbed off on their daughter who, although she became a GP, once told me that she couldn't cope with anything 'mental'. Perhaps your in-laws' attitude has rubbed off on your wife, and it's only beginning to surface now. It sounds as though she hoped the GP would "sort out" everything, as though he or you could rewire your brain. I can understand and sympathise with her wish that someone would wave a magic wand and everything would make her life easier, but we all know things don't work that way.

Perhaps the way forward would be with autistic-friendly couples therapy, where you can talk things through with a an independent expert who might help you both establish rules and behaviours that would amek life a little easier for both of you. It would take compromise on both sides, of course, but if you both care for each other, that can be done. I went through it with my husband, when we were floundering. There's a directory on this site that can help you find a therapist in your area.

SalientBeing said:

I had to storm out of the house, and go on a 10 minute walk to escape it.

My father (whom I suspect was autistic) used to go out driving in these circumstances. Sometimes I asked to go with him. We didn't talk, but it was nice just driving around.

I froze once when I was getting married and my in-laws took me to a shop to chose a wedding cake. I just couldn't get involved and they berated me for not engaging. I think I made responses after that, but I was still 'absent' in my head and can't remember what I said or how it affected anything. They were a bit set in their ways, especially my mother-in-law, who would have nothing to do with anything she deemed 'mental illness'. My main comfort is always to have a mug of coffee to hand and she forbade that - coffee was only to be drunk at the mid-morning coffee break. She tried to insist I drank tea in the mid-afternoon teatime, but I managed to put my foot down about that, as I don't drink tea. Putting up with her was always a nightmare, but at least my husband found her equally difficult.

Their attitudes rubbed off on their daughter who, although she became a GP, once told me that she couldn't cope with anything 'mental'. Perhaps your in-laws' attitude has rubbed off on your wife, and it's only beginning to surface now. It sounds as though she hoped the GP would "sort out" everything, as though he or you could rewire your brain. I can understand and sympathise with her wish that someone would wave a magic wand and everything would make her life easier, but we all know things don't work that way.

Perhaps the way forward would be with autistic-friendly couples therapy, where you can talk things through with a an independent expert who might help you both establish rules and behaviours that would amek life a little easier for both of you. It would take compromise on both sides, of course, but if you both care for each other, that can be done. I went through it with my husband, when we were floundering. There's a directory on this site that can help you find a therapist in your area.