Hello, new here. I've been lurking for almost a month and haven't had the courage to post so here goes...
I'm not diagnosed so I can't say I'm autistic or not but I related to a lot of things that are deemed autistic, at least in terms of the internet.
I've tried to get a diagnosis but it's really expensive here and therapists have deterred me from finding out by saying things like "Ha. No, I don't think you're autistic."
With no other explanation. I tend to believe people's words so shrugged and accepted what they said but I felt a lot of pain and suffering.
Therapy doesn't seem to work and I tried Sertraline but they don't seem to help me with what I feel. I stopped both.
It's mostly social struggles. I'm here to see if anyone else feels this way whether autistic or not because I just want to feel a little less alone in my confusion.
Some examples of my social struggles:
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When to speak?
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When not to speak?
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Always replaying every social interaction I have. Yes, even every therapy session.
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Feeling body pain from social interactions and realizing months, days or even YEARS later that maybe I was being bullied and that's why my body hurts (back, chest, etc. as if my heart was being broken by people?) Sometimes people don't even have to talk to me and I feel pain from them?
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Speaking too loudly for other people about things that excite me then closing off when dismissed or made to feel bad for that.
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Speaking too softly or not at all for other people (it's a paradox!!). Bullied for keeping to myself. This one I don't get! I kind of get people being mad if I'm too loud (as loud people can affect me too lol) but I also get. BUT why is it the more I keep to myself the more people dislike that about me? Like? I don't know what to say. They make me feel bad when I speak but then are also mad when I don't?! Anyone have this issue?
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Feeling too much because I get excited a lot. I emote a lot. (,; ⩌ ;,) I message a lot. (..◜ᴗ◝..) I like to write a lot because speaking just never feels right to me so text or emails or messages just make me feel freer... but somehow others feel overwhelmed by that and only give single answers or make fun of me or tell me to calm down or relax more? ๑-๑ Or I like to wish people well a lot and people seem to make faces at me for this? I read somewhere that it's because other's don't actually wish well of others so me saying that makes other people feel bad or like I'm faking kindness for some reason that makes them confused or uneasy? Idk. Σ(°△° ꪱꪱꪱ)
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Burning out at work a lot because I have avoidance for talking to people for the above but then when I do all that work- I get MORE work instead of less. People seem to think I'm trying too hard or a teacher's pet kind of thing. But honestly I do work quickly so I can be left alone but ehhh it's a bad cycle.
ANYWAY there is so much that I can't think of other examples rn. But hey I got some stuff off my mind and onto a forum... on. the. internet. (っ╥﹏╥ς)
Tl;dr please be nice, I'm just venting here to begin with. SO in summary:
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Do you feel comfortable "socializing"? I don't. I get drained. Is that "normal"? (See above)
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Does your body hurt a lot because of different energies especially from other people?
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Do you avoid people but somehow get stuck in a loop where you have to talk with them more from "overworking" or "over asking clarifying questions" in others' opinions?
Hoping for some community, maybe or at least to hear other's can relate but no expectations... might delete later. K bye... /\
