Hello... and questions? （´∇｀''）

Stick around, kid, you may learn something.  There's a better chance you might get arrested too, but that's life!  

Iago said:

But six or so weeks on, I am now much calmer and happier about it, and I know getting diagnosed was the right thing for me, albeit the emotions it stirred were entirely unexpected.

I'm glad that over time it has gotten better! I worry about my reaction to finding out or not (since it could be bipolar, audhd, adhd, ptsd, etc. etc. so many things.) But I think knowing a little bit about why we might be or feel how we feel can help those of us who like to see patterns. At least, I feel it would make me feel calmer. Maybe. ⸙

Iago said:

Harder are the spur-of-the-moment gatherings which require me to change headspace quickly, and that is harder for me to do without becoming a grumpy old man; some would say that is my normal setting.  There are a few special people in my life that I take great pleasure from being around, and anticipation of a meetup is part of the delight in having them around.  But they are in another country, so we only meet rarely.  My other half is a no-nonsense 'doer' and is more inclined to deliver butt kicks to motivate rather than compassionate hugs, but her sense of humour is cracking, and we spend more time laughing at life's absurdities than arguing

Haha!! Sweet. It seems like you have a good sense of the people you want to be around and a fun significant other hehe! So, hopefully no one would walk away from hearing about your diagnosis. From this thread I'm reminded that the right people for us probably have an idea of our quirks and want to stay around us regardless of diagnosis and that brings me joy and hope about this existence.

Iago said:

I can't say whether conscious sarcasm is used, as I have used it so often that it leaves my tongue before I have thought often.  Former colleagues often remind me of my not-so-witty (even angry morning riposte) from 30 years ago to a cheery 'Good Morning!' from a customer to which I replied 'F*** All Good About It!'.  Former colleagues thought it was a riot, though I was being truthful and couldn't understand what the fuss was about!  Looking back, I guess it was a tad rude!

Doesn't sound rude to me at all!! Haha. I find it very nice to hear from people who are honest and I think that is why everyone laughed: you didn't have to put a face on as most do (especially in customer service) and it took them aback. I love it! xD It reminds me of my partner, who also gets laughs when he abruptly asks if he has to be around other people at work or will he still get paid if he leaves then and there LOL! (˶ˆᗜˆ˵)

Iago said:

At my age, I think I have acquired some experience of 'me' over the years, and coupled with my recent diagnosis, I am starting to understand that being kind must extend to me as well, and I think everyone would do well to look after themselves a little better as well.

Hear! Hear! I am slowly learning this too but I hope it sticks soon. ✺◟(＾∇＾)◞✺

Gracias por sus respuestas y historia jeje 

Hello profdanger!!

1. and 6. 

profdanger said:

1. Shift the focus from figuring out when to speak to when to listen. If you listen intently - even when you aren’t interested - it is a bit easier to pick up when the other speaker is expecting you to respond. Not 100% a solution to the problem, but it does help a bit to change that perspective.

profdanger said:

6. I’ve been there too. It used to be a big issue more when I was a kid, but I get remarks from extended family for shutting down at family events as well. My best advice is once again to focus more on listening so that you can at least engage in conversation with little bits such as “Right,” “Yeah,” and “Of course” to show interest in what is going on. That allows you to minimize your involvement, but also keep you from appearing as though you are uninterested or shut down.

I think if I listen too much... well I never speak hahaha!! (ᵕˆヮˆ)
Maybe that's a good thing but it often leaves me feeling regret (later on) for not trying to be brave ;-; *shrug*

2. 

profdanger said:

2. As a job coach, I’ve noticed that us with invisible disabilities are vulnerable to oversharing during job interviews in particular. We get nervous, so we fill any silence with unnecessary garble that could easily cost us the job. This can best be avoided by giving yourself a quick couple of seconds to imagine what you will say before you say it. Then you are more often not going to speak out of turn or say something embarrassing, rather than trying to “improvise” everything you say.

Yes I fill the silences... and well that makes the room quiet pretty quickly which makes me not talk to people for a while. 
(╥ ᴗ ╥)

How do you remember to take a few seconds?! I feel like I swing between garble or mutism. Whyyyyy?! /\

3. 5. and 7. 

profdanger said:

3. Yes, that is common with Autism. My approach to that lately has been reframing it from being obsessively embarrassed over what I said or misunderstood to what can I learn from that conversation. Take embarrassing conversations and figure out how you can avoid those situations moving forward.

profdanger said:

5. Very common issue, I imagine. For me, I am very careful about who I info-dump on. I ensure that I have established a sense of trust with a person before I allow myself the impulse to get louder and excited during a conversation. That means that generally the only people that see that side of me already know I’m Autistic. Similarly, I would get very animated while discussing topics that interested me when I was a professor. Strangely, a university classroom’s lectern is a very acceptable venue for that behavior.

profdanger said:

7. I feel like there are a few questions in this one lol. First off, if people are put off by your emoting, then it may just be you are engaging with the wrong crowd. That might not be your “people.” If it is more of a universal issue with everyone, then you may need to work on masking, as much as I hate suggesting that. At least put on the performance that you are not as emotive when you are not around your safe people. In regards to people giving short responses, that might not be necessarily indicative that they are overwhelmed. I mean, I guess it could, but it also could just be their way of communicating.

That's what's made me avoid... everyone. Heh... heh... Σ(°△° ꪱꪱꪱ)
But I think you and Lotus are on to something... maybe I need to find "safe" people or the right "crowd", so I don't need to ever feel embarrassed around?! But where are they hiding?! Probably hiding from other people just like me irl... lol
Still, thank you for reminding me of this: it's ok to not be liked. I really gotta learn this life lesson. 

4. 

profdanger said:

4. Oh I feel more exhaustion than physical pain after social exchanges, but that doesn’t sound extraordinary for Autism. The worst is when I pick up cues that the other person may be deceptive about something, since I have a panic reaction to liars. The good news is, I’m much more aware of when people are messing with me than when I was a child due to that trauma response. I think of it as being like touching a lit stove burner: It hurts because your body is warning you of the potential danger of getting burned.

Maybe that's what it is!! I still haven't figured out why but yes it hurts like danger! Huh. Didn't think of it that way. 
I'll try to remember this. 

7. 

profdanger said:

I’ve got a funny story relating to your “wishing well” issue. When I was a professor at a Christian university (I’m agnostic atheist), there was an outcry that another professor wrote a story where characters wished instead of prayed. He got fired over that and a few other minor issues, which was wild. I was so upset by that, I began signing off every email with “best wishes” in retaliation, while coworkers usually used “Godspeed” or “God bless”. Hilariously, I still do it even though I actually mean it now. All that to say, don’t worry about others nitpicking the sincerity behind your wishing well. Even if that is just something you say with or without meaning, it’s a part of your social identity and they have no right to disparage that.

Lol that's awesome haha I think I will now think of this story any time I see "best wishes" xD !!!

8. 

profdanger said:

8. Burning out at work is an immense issue in this community, and you can find innumerable threads on that here on the forum. I recommend doing a quick search of the threads on the homepage and you’ll be amazed how many we have made even in just the last year regarding work experiences.

Thank you! I might look into it but also don't want to get overwhelmed or re-triggered. We'll see.

LOL the BeSt WiShEs has me deceased hahahahaha 

Best wishes to you, too haha! Really needed this laugh lol  

Hello!! They're little emotes. Like facial expressions hehe ^v^ (for example, this is a happy face). 
And nah don't put yourself down!
We're never too old to try cute things or things that make us happy or life more expressive (in my opinion hehe)!

Thanks! You too!

Hola!  Y buenos días, y muchas gracias por sus palabras.

I have a friend who has a friend who has just finished a Master's in Psychology.  Jesus, the newly graduated, said he couldn't help me (not his area and a conflict, as he knew me before starting) said he would put me in contact with someone that could help, and he did.  It cost me 70 Euros per session for five sessions in all.  For me, the process was oddly calm although deep and revealling, both in what I learnt about myself and what the psychologist got me to talk about.  A few weeks after the final session, I got a detailed report, in English, from her, and I have to say that I was not prepared for the emotions it produced in me.  Having my suspicions confirmed was a whole new level of emotional stress, and not what I expected to happen!  But six or so weeks on, I am now much calmer and happier about it, and I know getting diagnosed was the right thing for me, albeit the emotions it stirred were entirely unexpected.

I've only told a very few people, so I have yet to experience loss of friends, and I shall have to wait and see if that's a thing.  

Socialising?  Choice or compulsion?  Interesting question.  I guess it depends for me.  In 20 minutes, we are going to a bar/cafe for breakfast with friends, but that was planned, and I have time to prepare.  On some very rare occasions, I have 'cried off' feigning illness (I guess it was real) as I just couldn't face going.  Harder are the spur-of-the-moment gatherings which require me to change headspace quickly, and that is harder for me to do without becoming a grumpy old man; some would say that is my normal setting.  There are a few special people in my life that I take great pleasure from being around, and anticipation of a meetup is part of the delight in having them around.  But they are in another country, so we only meet rarely.  My other half is a no-nonsense 'doer' and is more inclined to deliver butt kicks to motivate rather than compassionate hugs, but her sense of humour is cracking, and we spend more time laughing at life's absurdities than arguing.  

I can't say whether conscious sarcasm is used, as I have used it so often that it leaves my tongue before I have thought often.  Former colleagues often remind me of my not-so-witty (even angry morning riposte) from 30 years ago to a cheery 'Good Morning!' from a customer to which I replied 'F*** All Good About It!'.  Former colleagues thought it was a riot, though I was being truthful and couldn't understand what the fuss was about!  Looking back, I guess it was a tad rude!  

So, it's almost two hours since I started writing this; breakfast and tech issues interrupted, and now I am trying to regather my thoughts.    At my age, I think I have acquired some experience of 'me' over the years, and coupled with my recent diagnosis, I am starting to understand that being kind must extend to me as well, and I think everyone would do well to look after themselves a little better as well.

Hello, lol I'm glad to hear someone else can relate.  
It's tough out here!!

Yes, I also feel very self conscious! I was told that adults wouldn't feel so anxious... but it isn't really going away...
And well, as that Shrek song says: "the years start coming and they don't stop coming" @-@  

I'm still hopeful that one day it will just be easier to not "mask" or worry about what to say/do so much... but we'll see!
Good luck to you with this as well! 

Hello! Thank you for sharing this 

Hola y buenas noches jeje  

Sorry you had struggles with GPs and others too. It really sucks :'( 

Iago said:

Eventually I paid privately and was diagnosed about six weeks ago.

:o How did you find someone to pay privately?
Also how did you feel after being diagnosed?! Did it change anything? Better? Worse? (っ- ‸ - ς)

Iago said:

In my learning, before and after diagnosis, I have discovered that autism is unique to each person, so my experience will be different to yours, I suspect. 

I appreciate this reminder because, you're right: in the end we are all unique in our life, experiences, natures, etc.
Still, it helps to see if some things are relatable to other people because often I feel different than at least my family or ex friends. But maybe they just hid things better or were less communicative about things that I've been? 

1. 

Iago said:

1. I can and do socialise, but I need to have some quiet time to recharge afterwards.  On Sunday we went out for lunch with a friend; the bar was very noisy (hard to hear and follow the conversation), and whenever the beer barrel was changed, the new one was dragged across the floor, making a dreadful din that I could not deal with!

I have socialized in the past but ended up needing lots of alone time afterwards and often did (or still do) curl up in a dark room  /\. I haven't socialized personally in a long time so now when I do socialize for work or during commutes to work I often go into shock afterwards. 

My question in this regard is: do you intentionally choose to socialize or feel obligated? In the past I would say yes to everyone... because I like to show people I care. But it took me a long to realize I wasn't showing myself care. So now I've just been avoiding people? I kind of hadn't realized until I wrote this... huh. 

It just often feels like I can't be me around people in real life. Does that happen to you? Or are you more like Lotus where now you just allow yourself to only be around people you feel "safe" with (e.g. such as her partner)? 

2. and 3.

Iago said:

3.  No, but then I have used sarcasm and blunt responses with people that annoy for decades as my own coping tool.  Sometimes it results in a laugh and that's OK.  Sometimes it results in the annoyance removing themselves, and that's good too.

Hahah! I have heard of this tactic before but I can't pull it off! I'm more of a serious type, alas. ;-;
I did see some videos suggesting not caring about what people think of you because the right people will stay and the wrong people will go if you are yourself... but I just can't get myself to do it. I'll have to really keep this in mind because "the annoyance removing themselves" would actually be really nice especially or specifically, at work... xD

4. 

Iago said:

So, I don't know if my experience helps, save to show that we are all different and cope (or not) in our own way.  What I can say is that my seven decades of experience have taught me to try and treat myself with the care I try to show others.  That doesn't always happen, and now I know that it's the autism that is driving that, and I am therefore much more mindful of what I do that is not good for me.

Try to look after yourself better; the rest will deal with itself in due course I find.

This is so well said! 
I definitely do need to be more mindful of what isn't good for me and let the rest "deal with itself". 
All in due time, I hope.  
For now, muchas gracias.  
Aprecio the time and energy you took to respond.

What do all the symbols mean? Sorry to be old and thick.

Good afternoon from America, RemediosLaBella!

1. Shift the focus from figuring out when to speak to when to listen. If you listen intently - even when you aren’t interested - it is a bit easier to pick up when the other speaker is expecting you to respond. Not 100% a solution to the problem, but it does help a bit to change that perspective.

2. As a job coach, I’ve noticed that us with invisible disabilities are vulnerable to oversharing during job interviews in particular. We get nervous, so we fill any silence with unnecessary garble that could easily cost us the job. This can best be avoided by giving yourself a quick couple of seconds to imagine what you will say before you say it. Then you are more often not going to speak out of turn or say something embarrassing, rather than trying to “improvise” everything you say.

3. Yes, that is common with Autism. My approach to that lately has been reframing it from being obsessively embarrassed over what I said or misunderstood to what can I learn from that conversation. Take embarrassing conversations and figure out how you can avoid those situations moving forward.

4. Oh I feel more exhaustion than physical pain after social exchanges, but that doesn’t sound extraordinary for Autism. The worst is when I pick up cues that the other person may be deceptive about something, since I have a panic reaction to liars. The good news is, I’m much more aware of when people are messing with me than when I was a child due to that trauma response. I think of it as being like touching a lit stove burner: It hurts because your body is warning you of the potential danger of getting burned.

5. Very common issue, I imagine. For me, I am very careful about who I info-dump on. I ensure that I have established a sense of trust with a person before I allow myself the impulse to get louder and excited during a conversation. That means that generally the only people that see that side of me already know I’m Autistic. Similarly, I would get very animated while discussing topics that interested me when I was a professor. Strangely, a university classroom’s lectern is a very acceptable venue for that behavior.

6. I’ve been there too. It used to be a big issue more when I was a kid, but I get remarks from extended family for shutting down at family events as well. My best advice is once again to focus more on listening so that you can at least engage in conversation with little bits such as “Right,” “Yeah,” and “Of course” to show interest in what is going on. That allows you to minimize your involvement, but also keep you from appearing as though you are uninterested or shut down.

7. I feel like there are a few questions in this one lol. First off, if people are put off by your emoting, then it may just be you are engaging with the wrong crowd. That might not be your “people.” If it is more of a universal issue with everyone, then you may need to work on masking, as much as I hate suggesting that. At least put on the performance that you are not as emotive when you are not around your safe people. In regards to people giving short responses, that might not be necessarily indicative that they are overwhelmed. I mean, I guess it could, but it also could just be their way of communicating.

I’ve got a funny story relating to your “wishing well” issue. When I was a professor at a Christian university (I’m agnostic atheist), there was an outcry that another professor wrote a story where characters wished instead of prayed. He got fired over that and a few other minor issues, which was wild. I was so upset by that, I began signing off every email with “best wishes” in retaliation, while coworkers usually used “Godspeed” or “God bless”. Hilariously, I still do it even though I actually mean it now. All that to say, don’t worry about others nitpicking the sincerity behind your wishing well. Even if that is just something you say with or without meaning, it’s a part of your social identity and they have no right to disparage that.

8. Burning out at work is an immense issue in this community, and you can find innumerable threads on that here on the forum. I recommend doing a quick search of the threads on the homepage and you’ll be amazed how many we have made even in just the last year regarding work experiences.

Best wishes!

Honestly, I can relate A LOT to your examples! 

Socializing in particular is difficult for me because I am INSANELY self conscious! Just somebody looking in my direction sends me in a panic. I can mask it, sure, but inside, I am just SCREAMING!

Welcome to the community. I wouldn't worry about not having a formal diagnosis unless you need it for seeking accommodations at work or for interacting with NHS etc. Many within the autistic community self-identify because of precisely the problems with getting a diagnosis you mention.

Hola y buenos días.

I, too, was told by my GP that I wasn't autistic!  I knew she was wrong, but speaking in a second language about complex things like autism is hard, and challenging an 'expert' in a second language is harder still.  I did get a referral to a local health service psychologist, but he chose to run some errands and generally be late, so I walked out on that.  Eventually I paid privately and was diagnosed about six weeks ago.

In my learning, before and after diagnosis, I have discovered that autism is unique to each person, so my experience will be different to yours, I suspect.  So;

1. I can and do socialise, but I need to have some quiet time to recharge afterwards.  On Sunday we went out for lunch with a friend; the bar was very noisy (hard to hear and follow the conversation), and whenever the beer barrel was changed, the new one was dragged across the floor, making a dreadful din that I could not deal with!
2. I can't say it does, but then I have several co-morbid conditions like arthritis, so I live with a painful body constantly.  However, if I'm having a bad (painful) day and am stressed (recently had to deal with Spanish bureaucrats, which is always hard work), I will need more time to recover physically and emotionally.
3.  No, but then I have used sarcasm and blunt responses with people that annoy for decades as my own coping tool.  Sometimes it results in a laugh and that's OK.  Sometimes it results in the annoyance removing themselves, and that's good too.

So, I don't know if my experience helps, save to show that we are all different and cope (or not) in our own way.  What I can say is that my seven decades of experience have taught me to try and treat myself with the care I try to show others.  That doesn't always happen, and now I know that it's the autism that is driving that, and I am therefore much more mindful of what I do that is not good for me.

Try to look after yourself better; the rest will deal with itself in due course I find.

1. 

Lotus said:

1. I realised that I might be autistic after watching a documentary featuring an autistic woman who gave talks about autism, and realising that I had a lot in common with her, then I googled it and found the online tests - that was when I was in my mid fifties, so around 10 years ago. My AQ50 score of 42 was quite a shock!

Wow!! That's so sudden and unexpected. I feel that I'm having the same experience but with the internet videos I keep getting suggested. Hmmm!! Maybe I just need to fully consider what life means like to me if I was autistic and if that would bring me peace... Thanks for sharing <3 

2. 

Lotus said:

2. I spent decades trying to "fit in" because I thought I was "normal" and so should do things others seemed to enjoy. I still struggled to really connect to anyone except my partner. I also think it's mostly nature rather than nurture.

Lotus said:

5. Retiring was almost as good as having a big lottery win for me. I thought I might miss my colleagues as I got on well with some of them, but I don't now. It took at least 6 months to adapt to the change, but I'm so glad to be spending my days mostly with just my partner.

I'm so glad that you have someone you can be your full self with. This makes me feel better that I'm not surrounded with tons of friends and people.

Maybe I just needed a reminder to be grateful for the quiet I do have. ️️

3. Thank you for your advise and story sharing.
It feels like a much lighter conversation here than I've had with in real life people in a really long time. 
(♡ˊ͈ ꒳ ˋ͈)  

1. I realised that I might be autistic after watching a documentary featuring an autistic woman who gave talks about autism, and realising that I had a lot in common with her, then I googled it and found the online tests - that was when I was in my mid fifties, so around 10 years ago. My AQ50 score of 42 was quite a shock!

2. I spent decades trying to "fit in" because I thought I was "normal" and so should do things others seemed to enjoy. I still struggled to really connect to anyone except my partner. I also think it's mostly nature rather than nurture.

3. I don't need to curl up in a dark room after socialising, but then again my flat is quite a "safe space". I just need to sit quietly for a while and read or play a solitaire card game on my tablet. I find Solitaire very therapeutic - the repetition of moving the cards and the structure of the patterns made is soothing.

4. 

RemediosLaBella said:

Any solutions, tips or tricks on how to get past other's emotions??

One time when a colleague was upset, after saying something sympathetic I then changed the subject to talking about something I was helping my friend with, and my colleague got interested in that and became calmer, which of course helped me. I was worried that I might have seemed uncaring or selfish, but the following day she told me that I had helped by taking her mind off it.

5. Retiring was almost as good as having a big lottery win for me. I thought I might miss my colleagues as I got on well with some of them, but I don't now. It took at least 6 months to adapt to the change, but I'm so glad to be spending my days mostly with just my partner.

Thank you!

Thank you ^w^ 

Hey Lotus! Thank you for your response. =^w^=
It feels better to know some people feel similarly as I do about social situations. ︎ 

1. I also score high on tests online! I actually took that AQ50 test about a week ago and also scored high. (ᵕ ó ᴗ ò)
I feel like the signs are there but without a diagnosis I don't know what to do but lurk and see if certain online content validates how I feel.

When did you start taking tests or feeling like you might be autistic, if you don't mind sharing?
Just wondering what to do if I can't get diagnosed for a long while. :/

2. Yes! I love being excited and happy about things but definitely go mute because of other people's reactions. /\
I wonder why this is a thing? Maybe it's just human to want to "fit in" and not stir the pot? I'm not sure.
I know some of it is my upbringing where my parents would ask me to not burden others but my siblings don't care as much about bothering other people...THAT'S what makes me wonder if it's a nature instead of a nurture thing. Maybe?️

3. Yes!! I never considered this, but I do get a jittery feeling after interactions  and it does take a while to calm down. Sometimes I just have to curl up in a dark room to feel safer? Is that kind of your experience?

4. Ohhh definitely!! If someone is having a bad time... I start to have a bad time ;-; This makes me feel better.
If only I could avoid those people more, I guess... 
At work it feels impossible to avoid unless I put headphones on but even that tires me sometimes. T~T

Any solutions, tips or tricks on how to get past other's emotions?? 

5. Aww that sounds so nice (I hope it is!). Have you felt happier being retired and socializing mostly just with your partner? 

6. I hope so too. Thank you <3 ⋆.˚༘⋆  

Hi and welcome to the community. I'm not formally diagnosed, but I score high on tests and identify as autistic. I was just wondering, have you taken any online tests? The AQ50 is deemed to be fairly reliable and is used in assessment:

https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

I understand your struggles with communication. Sometimes it I get excited or wound up about something I get loud, but if I feel bullied, anxious or depressed I may go mute.

I also get drained socialising, but can also get this weird sort of "wired" feeling and it takes me some time to get relaxed afterwards.

My body doesn't exactly hurt because of different energies from other people, but I can "catch" other people's emotions which isn't pleasant.

I'm retired now and mostly avoid people except my partner, but when I was working I did often have to ask clarifying questions. 

I hope that being part of this community helps you.