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Hello... and questions? （´∇｀''）

RemediosLaBella
Hello, new here. I've been lurking for almost a month and haven't had the courage to post so here goes...

I'm not diagnosed so I can't say I'm autistic or not but I related to a lot of things that are deemed autistic, at least in terms of the internet.
I've tried to get a diagnosis but it's really expensive here and therapists have deterred me from finding out by saying things like "Ha. No, I don't think you're autistic." 
With no other explanation. I tend to believe people's words so shrugged and accepted what they said but I felt a lot of pain and suffering. 
Therapy doesn't seem to work and I tried Sertraline but they don't seem to help me with what I feel. I stopped both.
It's mostly social struggles. I'm here to see if anyone else feels this way whether autistic or not because I just want to feel a little less alone in my confusion. 
Some examples of my social struggles:
  1. When to speak?
  2. When not to speak?
  3. Always replaying every social interaction I have. Yes, even every therapy session.
  4. Feeling body pain from social interactions and realizing months, days or even YEARS later that maybe I was being bullied and that's why my body hurts (back, chest, etc. as if my heart was being broken by people?) Sometimes people don't even have to talk to me and I feel pain from them? 
  5. Speaking too loudly for other people about things that excite me then closing off when dismissed or made to feel bad for that. 
  6. Speaking too softly or not at all for other people (it's a paradox!!). Bullied for keeping to myself. This one I don't get! I kind of get people being mad if I'm too loud (as loud people can affect me too lol) but I also get. BUT why is it the more I keep to myself the more people dislike that about me? Like? I don't know what to say. They make me feel bad when I speak but then are also mad when I don't?! Anyone have this issue?
  7. Feeling too much because I get excited a lot. I emote a lot. (,; ⩌ ;,) I message a lot. (..◜ᴗ◝..) I like to write a lot because speaking just never feels right to me so text or emails or messages just make me feel freer... but somehow others feel overwhelmed by that and only give single answers or make fun of me or tell me to calm down or relax more? ๑-๑ Or I like to wish people well a lot and people seem to make faces at me for this? I read somewhere that it's because other's don't actually wish well of others so me saying that makes other people feel bad or like I'm faking kindness for some reason that makes them confused or uneasy? Idk. Σ(°△° ꪱꪱꪱ)
  8. Burning out at work a lot because I have avoidance for talking to people for the above but then when I do all that work- I get MORE work instead of less. People seem to think I'm trying too hard or a teacher's pet kind of thing. But honestly I do work quickly so I can be left alone but ehhh it's a bad cycle. 
ANYWAY there is so much that I can't think of other examples rn. But hey I got some stuff off my mind and onto a forum... on. the. internet. (っ╥﹏╥ς) 

Tl;dr please be nice, I'm just venting here to begin with. SO in summary:
  1. Do you feel comfortable "socializing"?  I don't. I get drained. Is that "normal"? (See above)
  2. Does your body hurt a lot because of different energies especially from other people? 
  3. Do you avoid people but somehow get stuck in a loop where you have to talk with them more from "overworking" or "over asking clarifying questions" in others' opinions? 
Hoping for some community, maybe or at least to hear other's can relate but no expectations... might delete later. K bye... /\
Parents

  • Hola y buenos días.

    I, too, was told by my GP that I wasn't autistic!  I knew she was wrong, but speaking in a second language about complex things like autism is hard, and challenging an 'expert' in a second language is harder still.  I did get a referral to a local health service psychologist, but he chose to run some errands and generally be late, so I walked out on that.  Eventually I paid privately and was diagnosed about six weeks ago.

    In my learning, before and after diagnosis, I have discovered that autism is unique to each person, so my experience will be different to yours, I suspect.  So;

    1. I can and do socialise, but I need to have some quiet time to recharge afterwards.  On Sunday we went out for lunch with a friend; the bar was very noisy (hard to hear and follow the conversation), and whenever the beer barrel was changed, the new one was dragged across the floor, making a dreadful din that I could not deal with!
    2. I can't say it does, but then I have several co-morbid conditions like arthritis, so I live with a painful body constantly.  However, if I'm having a bad (painful) day and am stressed (recently had to deal with Spanish bureaucrats, which is always hard work), I will need more time to recover physically and emotionally.
    3.  No, but then I have used sarcasm and blunt responses with people that annoy for decades as my own coping tool.  Sometimes it results in a laugh and that's OK.  Sometimes it results in the annoyance removing themselves, and that's good too.

    So, I don't know if my experience helps, save to show that we are all different and cope (or not) in our own way.  What I can say is that my seven decades of experience have taught me to try and treat myself with the care I try to show others.  That doesn't always happen, and now I know that it's the autism that is driving that, and I am therefore much more mindful of what I do that is not good for me.

    Try to look after yourself better; the rest will deal with itself in due course I find.

Reply

  • Hola y buenos días.

    I, too, was told by my GP that I wasn't autistic!  I knew she was wrong, but speaking in a second language about complex things like autism is hard, and challenging an 'expert' in a second language is harder still.  I did get a referral to a local health service psychologist, but he chose to run some errands and generally be late, so I walked out on that.  Eventually I paid privately and was diagnosed about six weeks ago.

    In my learning, before and after diagnosis, I have discovered that autism is unique to each person, so my experience will be different to yours, I suspect.  So;

    1. I can and do socialise, but I need to have some quiet time to recharge afterwards.  On Sunday we went out for lunch with a friend; the bar was very noisy (hard to hear and follow the conversation), and whenever the beer barrel was changed, the new one was dragged across the floor, making a dreadful din that I could not deal with!
    2. I can't say it does, but then I have several co-morbid conditions like arthritis, so I live with a painful body constantly.  However, if I'm having a bad (painful) day and am stressed (recently had to deal with Spanish bureaucrats, which is always hard work), I will need more time to recover physically and emotionally.
    3.  No, but then I have used sarcasm and blunt responses with people that annoy for decades as my own coping tool.  Sometimes it results in a laugh and that's OK.  Sometimes it results in the annoyance removing themselves, and that's good too.

    So, I don't know if my experience helps, save to show that we are all different and cope (or not) in our own way.  What I can say is that my seven decades of experience have taught me to try and treat myself with the care I try to show others.  That doesn't always happen, and now I know that it's the autism that is driving that, and I am therefore much more mindful of what I do that is not good for me.

    Try to look after yourself better; the rest will deal with itself in due course I find.

Children
  • in reply to Iago

    Hola y buenas noches jeje Joy 

    Sorry you had struggles with GPs and others too. It really sucks :'( 

    Iago said:
    Eventually I paid privately and was diagnosed about six weeks ago.

    :o How did you find someone to pay privately?
    Also how did you feel after being diagnosed?! Did it change anything? Better? Worse? (っ- ‸ - ς)

    Iago said:
    In my learning, before and after diagnosis, I have discovered that autism is unique to each person, so my experience will be different to yours, I suspect. 

    I appreciate this reminder because, you're right: in the end we are all unique in our life, experiences, natures, etc.
    Still, it helps to see if some things are relatable to other people because often I feel different than at least my family or ex friends. But maybe they just hid things better or were less communicative about things that I've been? Thinking

    1. 

    Iago said:
    1. I can and do socialise, but I need to have some quiet time to recharge afterwards.  On Sunday we went out for lunch with a friend; the bar was very noisy (hard to hear and follow the conversation), and whenever the beer barrel was changed, the new one was dragged across the floor, making a dreadful din that I could not deal with!

    I have socialized in the past but ended up needing lots of alone time afterwards and often did (or still do) curl up in a dark room Sweat /\. I haven't socialized personally in a long time so now when I do socialize for work or during commutes to work I often go into shock afterwards. 

    My question in this regard is: do you intentionally choose to socialize or feel obligated? In the past I would say yes to everyone... because I like to show people I care. But it took me a long to realize I wasn't showing myself care. So now I've just been avoiding people? I kind of hadn't realized until I wrote this... huh. Confounded

    It just often feels like I can't be me around people in real life. Does that happen to you? Or are you more like Lotus where now you just allow yourself to only be around people you feel "safe" with (e.g. such as her partner)? 

    2. and 3.

    Iago said:
    3.  No, but then I have used sarcasm and blunt responses with people that annoy for decades as my own coping tool.  Sometimes it results in a laugh and that's OK.  Sometimes it results in the annoyance removing themselves, and that's good too.

    Hahah! I have heard of this tactic before but I can't pull it off! I'm more of a serious type, alas. ;-;
    I did see some videos suggesting not caring about what people think of you because the right people will stay and the wrong people will go if you are yourself... but I just can't get myself to do it. I'll have to really keep this in mind because "the annoyance removing themselves" would actually be really nice especially or specifically, at work... xD

    4. 

    Iago said:

    So, I don't know if my experience helps, save to show that we are all different and cope (or not) in our own way.  What I can say is that my seven decades of experience have taught me to try and treat myself with the care I try to show others.  That doesn't always happen, and now I know that it's the autism that is driving that, and I am therefore much more mindful of what I do that is not good for me.

    Try to look after yourself better; the rest will deal with itself in due course I find.

    This is so well said! 
    I definitely do need to be more mindful of what isn't good for me and let the rest "deal with itself". 
    All in due time, I hope. Four leaf cloverHerb 
    For now, muchas gracias. pleading faceSparkling heart 
    Aprecio the time and energy you took to respond.