This is partly research as I've spoken on another thread about the fact that I don't remember anyone on this forum over the years saying that they had a happy childhood.
Rather a lot of us seem to in particular had very unhappy home lives.
I wonder if that is significant?
I think it depends on your definition of happy. At a quick glance my childhood would look and was fairly privileged. I lived in a nice village, was physically well cared for and got to go on nice holidays etc
But I wasn't a happy child. I struggled every day. I had a difficult relationship with my mum. She didn't understand my difficulties (I wasn't diagnosed) and this led to a lot of frustration. I also really struggled with other children. I got bullied a lot. I wasn't liked. That takes it's toll. I also struggled with school. I didn't really understand the concept of doing what you were told because an adult said so. Not that I thought I should be able to do whatever I wanted, just that I needed to understand the point of the rule not it just be "because I said so". I also found it difficult to engage with work I wasn't interested in.
So I would say I had an unhappy childhood but I also wouldn't compare it to the childhood that some people have had as I know it could have been a lot worse.
I would say that I am now dealing with the impact of my childhood in therapy.
Thank you for the kind words, it's nice to hear.
It sounds like you've got the right idea and I hope you are enjoying your life and that you continue to. I'm still a work in progress on that front but I'm always aiming for it.
see my reply to FriendlyNPC . 
But on here you've discovered a huge surrogate family who recognise and acknowledge such abuse, will support you and wish you well. I always say a silent 'thank you' that I've outlived my abusers and intend to enjoy what time is left to me. When I think of them, it's like thinking of historical characters who are fading away gradually until they're no longer real to me.
I had a very difficult childhood. I didn't know I was autistic back then but it seems that other kids picked up on it. At school I was heavily bullied, the physical damage (the worst of which was a couple of broken bones and some torn muscles) was bad, but the regular humiliation and being spat on were worse.
I had a traumatic home life too with many family problems. I have had to have a lot of therapy, much of it ineffective.
It is certainly significant for me and has, in many ways, shaped the person I have become and caused me life long difficulties.
At the moment I sleep in my childhood bedroom, when I was a child the door had a large stable bolt on the outside of it. A punishment could mean being shut in until the next day. The door has been changed but I can still see the outline of the hole in the frame that the bolt went into. It’s little things that just remind me that I didn’t make it up.
create or exacerbate this ultra vigilance too.
I listened to a writer and autistic advocate yesterday, Pete Wharmby, the subject was autistic people being constantly defensive and vigilant, he said, “ do you know of any other group of children who get criticised from day one for playing with their toys incorrectly, lining them up and being told it’s incorrect, and you wonder why we grow up to be so defensive.”
My teen years at school and university further away, not so happy.
I am sorry to hear this.
My mother is a narcissist.
I believe my mother was too but only retrospectively - I didn't realise at the time.
I believe though that were other things going on eg psychosis, delusions and probably autism.
Thank you for sharing your background, albeit troubled.
Thankfully due to therapy and a supportive wife I have a solid grasp on reality now and I am more comfortable setting boundaries to keep myself (and my daughters) safe.
Good news.
Same. First time I went to therapy I was adamant we were going to talk about how high school bullies impacted my self-image, but then we instead spent months just unpacking my mom. Now I know why lmao
Similar to several accounts here, my childhood was a mixed batch. I was depressed and anxious. HOWEVER: I was well-fed, adequately clothed, not physically abused, lived in a relatively safe area, and was not aware of our family having a time of financial distress until later in life. Strangely despite disabilities, I found immense success at school and in the community (which is primarily why my Autism diagnosis came later in adulthood). My mother also did a great deal to make sure we had tons of gifts at Christmas, experiences to enjoy, and felt cared for. Unfortunately, I have come to find out that most of that was likely “love-bombing,” a narcissistic trait used for establishing control over someone.
Like several of you, my dad was distant. He worked a really hard and night-shift focused job at a factory. Apparently it was bad enough I drew a family picture in kindergarten that depicted my family happy, except dad was in bed sleeping (However, I have not seen that picture and my mother claimed that story, so I don’t trust that actually happened). He also farmed, volunteered as an EMT/firefighter, and umpired baseball. Dad has in recent years apologized profusely for being uninvolved with our childhoods, but I’ve never blamed him (especially after learning of our financial woes). In fact, I believe mom has crafted tons of stories to gaslight us - including dad - into thinking that he never cared about us until recently. So I feel closer to dad today, but I still try to keep him at arm’s length due to mom.
My mother is a narcissist. It’s not her fault, since she had a long history of abuse from her family (most of which I believe, given how messed up that side of the family is even today). Does that absolve her of responsibility? No. It does explain it, though. Everything is about her and her needs. It took going through tons of therapy to recognize that I make so many choices - many even not remotely related to her - based on whether she would approve or not. She knows that confidence in my own memory is a weakness of mine, so she has on MANY occasions exploited that to gaslight me into believing things that likely never happened, or denying things that I vividly remember happening. Recently because of an interaction with a client at work, I realized that I have a serious trauma response to people lying to me, and I’m confident that is in large part because of my mother.
My sister was the “golden child” while I was the “black sheep.” Those are two common roles for those raised by narcissistic parents. My brother - who died prematurely - also became a bit of a golden child after death, which is horribly nauseating to me (that’s a bigger topic for another day). My sister is now a narcissist in her own right, since she grew up with my mother legitimately living vicariously through her. I’m not kidding, I caught my mother pretending to be my sister on Facebook chat to talk to a teen boy (one of many past events my mother adamantly denies happened). Since mom never had the childhood she deserved, she lived it out through my sister, while I was the child she never understood or cared to understand. Because of how my sister turned out, I am very worried about being narcissistic myself (I can’t tell you how many times I have looked up stories of narcissists to see if I relate, but apparently that’s a sign that I’m not one lol), but it sounds like black sheeps rarely become narcissistic.
So let me explain the current interesting dynamics this way: My sister has disowned me which caused my wife to cut ties with her (long story, suffice to say I’m not blameless, but it ultimately came down to her being angry at us for not checking on her when a hurricane was nowhere near her), but my mother has made repeated attempts to have us reconcile. Why? Not because she cares. No, it’s because a medium told her that she is going to have a family photo of all our kids together. That’s it. A totally selfish reason to encourage my sister and I to interact. Also, I suspect my mother struggles with the fact that my sister and I no longer generate as much drama now that we don’t talk.
Sorry for the rant, but yeah, it’s been complicated. Thankfully due to therapy and a supportive wife I have a solid grasp on reality now and I am more comfortable setting boundaries to keep myself (and my daughters) safe.
I wonder, to answer your question, if many of our parents were undiagnosed autistic. That would appear logical.
Yes considering the genetic component of autism and that might lead to some struggling with parenthood.
Rather a lot of us seem to in particular had very unhappy home lives.
I wonder if that is significant?
I believe it is. I used to wonder if my father and brother were autistic as they seem to fit the diagnosis. I never contacted any family after leaving home and was much better off for it. I wonder, to answer your question, if many of our parents were undiagnosed autistic. That would appear logical. My mother was the opposite - depressed and hysterical. Lack of money was an ongoing issue with her, also the family lowly status.
I have some good memories of childhood and some very difficult ones. I always thought it would be the same for everyone, turns out not necessarily. It’s taken some therapy to realise I was abused emotionally.
I didn't have it as bad as you, although I could have done with more absence by my mother. My grandmother had strict rules (we lived in her house) and my parents didn't really know how to parent, so I had to do it for myself. It sounds like you had to do the same.
My father could be quite violent, I knew when to be quiet, my brother unfortunately didn’t.
I am sorry to read this R.
I think that something this sort of parental behaviour does to us, along with rows and the various problems caused by our mothers' mental health problems, is make us ultra vigilant.
I think that ultra vigilance is still with me now.
Living with someone with other problems, such as allergies or life threatening conditions can create or exacerbate this ultra vigilance too.
My parents were quite distant, I never really saw my father, he did three jobs. Not much was ever done as in parenting, my father was dyslexic so hated anything to do with school.
My mother was ‘sectioned’ for chunks of my childhood and adult life. My brother and I were sent away to horrible relatives. We did go on holiday for one week per year, it was always a holiday camp in the Uk, I loved that one week.
School holidays were quite long, I never saw another child until returning to school for the next term. TV was my friend, I watched everything I could, I think that’s why I still have a big interest in 70’s & 80’s TV and films. My parents weren’t the type to have an interest in anything I did, none of us ever hugged or kicked a football about, that suited me though. My father could be quite violent, I knew when to be quiet, my brother unfortunately didn’t.
I don’t know if I had a happy or sad childhood, most of the time I just felt nothing.
In fact, my dad worked nights for years, which couldn't have been easy.
My dad did too as a welder at a motor company.
In fact he spent years on alternate weeks of days and nights.
He was always tired.
But when you're an ordinary working-class family, the first priority is survival, and that takes energy.
I think poverty can sap the goodness from life.
I'm not sure how to answer this question because I think, relative to who? I had two parents, a reasonable home, and food on the table. My father was fully employed, though an unskilled worker, and my mother was quite caring. Yes, there was often conflicts between myself and my dad, and sometimes the arguments could get really heated, but I wasn't physically abused. I have to admit my dad did seem distant at times, unlike my mom. My parents weren't interested in education, and neither was I, so the first chance I got I left school to earn a wage, and I took it.
There were happy moments, sure, but without making excuses, I think my parents could have been more supportive in exposing me to different experiences to spark my interest and possible future development. But when you're an ordinary working-class family, the first priority is survival, and that takes energy. In fact, my dad worked nights for years, which couldn't have been easy. Looking back, I regret not passing any exams because I later discovered that without them, your employment opportunities are severely limited, and you often end up in dead-end jobs, moving on in hopes of finding something better. I have a feeling my dad may have been on the spectrum, although I could be entirely wrong, but if so, it couldn’t have been easy for him. In those days, autism wasn’t really widely known, so I guess people would have used terms like “depression” or “anxiety” to explain certain behaviours.
Home life itself was great, I had very loving and supportive parents. Now I know how lucky I was in that regard.
You were very lucky. I'm so pleased for you.
