This is partly research as I've spoken on another thread about the fact that I don't remember anyone on this forum over the years saying that they had a happy childhood.
Rather a lot of us seem to in particular had very unhappy home lives.
I wonder if that is significant?
Similar to several accounts here, my childhood was a mixed batch. I was depressed and anxious. HOWEVER: I was well-fed, adequately clothed, not physically abused, lived in a relatively safe area, and was not aware of our family having a time of financial distress until later in life. Strangely despite disabilities, I found immense success at school and in the community (which is primarily why my Autism diagnosis came later in adulthood). My mother also did a great deal to make sure we had tons of gifts at Christmas, experiences to enjoy, and felt cared for. Unfortunately, I have come to find out that most of that was likely “love-bombing,” a narcissistic trait used for establishing control over someone.
Like several of you, my dad was distant. He worked a really hard and night-shift focused job at a factory. Apparently it was bad enough I drew a family picture in kindergarten that depicted my family happy, except dad was in bed sleeping (However, I have not seen that picture and my mother claimed that story, so I don’t trust that actually happened). He also farmed, volunteered as an EMT/firefighter, and umpired baseball. Dad has in recent years apologized profusely for being uninvolved with our childhoods, but I’ve never blamed him (especially after learning of our financial woes). In fact, I believe mom has crafted tons of stories to gaslight us - including dad - into thinking that he never cared about us until recently. So I feel closer to dad today, but I still try to keep him at arm’s length due to mom.
My mother is a narcissist. It’s not her fault, since she had a long history of abuse from her family (most of which I believe, given how messed up that side of the family is even today). Does that absolve her of responsibility? No. It does explain it, though. Everything is about her and her needs. It took going through tons of therapy to recognize that I make so many choices - many even not remotely related to her - based on whether she would approve or not. She knows that confidence in my own memory is a weakness of mine, so she has on MANY occasions exploited that to gaslight me into believing things that likely never happened, or denying things that I vividly remember happening. Recently because of an interaction with a client at work, I realized that I have a serious trauma response to people lying to me, and I’m confident that is in large part because of my mother.
My sister was the “golden child” while I was the “black sheep.” Those are two common roles for those raised by narcissistic parents. My brother - who died prematurely - also became a bit of a golden child after death, which is horribly nauseating to me (that’s a bigger topic for another day). My sister is now a narcissist in her own right, since she grew up with my mother legitimately living vicariously through her. I’m not kidding, I caught my mother pretending to be my sister on Facebook chat to talk to a teen boy (one of many past events my mother adamantly denies happened). Since mom never had the childhood she deserved, she lived it out through my sister, while I was the child she never understood or cared to understand. Because of how my sister turned out, I am very worried about being narcissistic myself (I can’t tell you how many times I have looked up stories of narcissists to see if I relate, but apparently that’s a sign that I’m not one lol), but it sounds like black sheeps rarely become narcissistic.
So let me explain the current interesting dynamics this way: My sister has disowned me which caused my wife to cut ties with her (long story, suffice to say I’m not blameless, but it ultimately came down to her being angry at us for not checking on her when a hurricane was nowhere near her), but my mother has made repeated attempts to have us reconcile. Why? Not because she cares. No, it’s because a medium told her that she is going to have a family photo of all our kids together. That’s it. A totally selfish reason to encourage my sister and I to interact. Also, I suspect my mother struggles with the fact that my sister and I no longer generate as much drama now that we don’t talk.
Sorry for the rant, but yeah, it’s been complicated. Thankfully due to therapy and a supportive wife I have a solid grasp on reality now and I am more comfortable setting boundaries to keep myself (and my daughters) safe.
Similar to several accounts here, my childhood was a mixed batch. I was depressed and anxious. HOWEVER: I was well-fed, adequately clothed, not physically abused, lived in a relatively safe area, and was not aware of our family having a time of financial distress until later in life. Strangely despite disabilities, I found immense success at school and in the community (which is primarily why my Autism diagnosis came later in adulthood). My mother also did a great deal to make sure we had tons of gifts at Christmas, experiences to enjoy, and felt cared for. Unfortunately, I have come to find out that most of that was likely “love-bombing,” a narcissistic trait used for establishing control over someone.
Like several of you, my dad was distant. He worked a really hard and night-shift focused job at a factory. Apparently it was bad enough I drew a family picture in kindergarten that depicted my family happy, except dad was in bed sleeping (However, I have not seen that picture and my mother claimed that story, so I don’t trust that actually happened). He also farmed, volunteered as an EMT/firefighter, and umpired baseball. Dad has in recent years apologized profusely for being uninvolved with our childhoods, but I’ve never blamed him (especially after learning of our financial woes). In fact, I believe mom has crafted tons of stories to gaslight us - including dad - into thinking that he never cared about us until recently. So I feel closer to dad today, but I still try to keep him at arm’s length due to mom.
My mother is a narcissist. It’s not her fault, since she had a long history of abuse from her family (most of which I believe, given how messed up that side of the family is even today). Does that absolve her of responsibility? No. It does explain it, though. Everything is about her and her needs. It took going through tons of therapy to recognize that I make so many choices - many even not remotely related to her - based on whether she would approve or not. She knows that confidence in my own memory is a weakness of mine, so she has on MANY occasions exploited that to gaslight me into believing things that likely never happened, or denying things that I vividly remember happening. Recently because of an interaction with a client at work, I realized that I have a serious trauma response to people lying to me, and I’m confident that is in large part because of my mother.
My sister was the “golden child” while I was the “black sheep.” Those are two common roles for those raised by narcissistic parents. My brother - who died prematurely - also became a bit of a golden child after death, which is horribly nauseating to me (that’s a bigger topic for another day). My sister is now a narcissist in her own right, since she grew up with my mother legitimately living vicariously through her. I’m not kidding, I caught my mother pretending to be my sister on Facebook chat to talk to a teen boy (one of many past events my mother adamantly denies happened). Since mom never had the childhood she deserved, she lived it out through my sister, while I was the child she never understood or cared to understand. Because of how my sister turned out, I am very worried about being narcissistic myself (I can’t tell you how many times I have looked up stories of narcissists to see if I relate, but apparently that’s a sign that I’m not one lol), but it sounds like black sheeps rarely become narcissistic.
So let me explain the current interesting dynamics this way: My sister has disowned me which caused my wife to cut ties with her (long story, suffice to say I’m not blameless, but it ultimately came down to her being angry at us for not checking on her when a hurricane was nowhere near her), but my mother has made repeated attempts to have us reconcile. Why? Not because she cares. No, it’s because a medium told her that she is going to have a family photo of all our kids together. That’s it. A totally selfish reason to encourage my sister and I to interact. Also, I suspect my mother struggles with the fact that my sister and I no longer generate as much drama now that we don’t talk.
Sorry for the rant, but yeah, it’s been complicated. Thankfully due to therapy and a supportive wife I have a solid grasp on reality now and I am more comfortable setting boundaries to keep myself (and my daughters) safe.
My mother is a narcissist.
I believe my mother was too but only retrospectively - I didn't realise at the time.
I believe though that were other things going on eg psychosis, delusions and probably autism.
Thank you for sharing your background, albeit troubled.
Thankfully due to therapy and a supportive wife I have a solid grasp on reality now and I am more comfortable setting boundaries to keep myself (and my daughters) safe.
Good news.
