Are they meant to keep people away? I’m just waiting for one of the heads to turn.

TheCatWoman said:

I think that generation were reluctant throw away anything "that might come in handy

That’s a lot of it, the make do and mend era. With textiles, we have charitable metal containers at our supermarket, it’s better than landfill.

Scrap cloth and textile prices average around £172.50 to £255 per tonne in the UK, 

I also have loads of books, our local hospital has a scanner appeal book shop. I slowly filter the books to them.

My wife has recently made some quite threats if I don’t seek counselling, I just don’t trust anyone, I feel they would only be listening because they are being paid.

The inheritance thing is another stick that’s used to beat us, I get remarks from people of “you’ll be alright when your mothers gone,” they don’t understand that I really couldn’t care about the money anymore. The key is to have enough contact but to put controls in place to protect ourselves.

One of the major problems with being a 'carer' (of any description or value) is that you can't actually get any kind of help unless the person agrees, as long as they are of sound mind.

I was only able to get any sort of assistance for my mother once I'd pushed and pushed for a dementia assessment and she had had a fall (partially sighted).

Even the GP wouldn't speak to me when she had an infected leg and she wouldn't visit them.

My mother's roof was collapsing and the ceiling was falling down and rain was getting in but she refused builders so I just had to organise it against her wishes without telling her and have them in and keep reminding her that they were there (she kept calling the police).

If there is a chance of a Power of Attorney for finances or health, that's a huge help, but my mother wouldn't sign one.

M said:

but I feel really guilty about not calling her or going to see her

That is a major problem and was with me.

My husband said that he would have cut my mum off years before because of the way she treated me but I could never bring myself to do so even though I'm sure she detrimentally affected my mental and physical health with long lasting effect.

I hope things get better for you one way or another.

M said:

therapists have said that they think she is narcissistic

I think my mum was too along with other undiagnosed mental health conditions.

I am at present trying to give away the CDs of a friend whose brother recently passed away and was a hoarder.

He had many 100s of classical CDs (approx 1000).

I offered them to a library but they no longer stock CDs in any of the city libraries.

Luckily I have found an Oxfam bookshop in a nearby city who seemed keen to take a few hundred of them.

Me and a big shopping trolley will be taking them in next week.

This is kind of aimed at making you (anyone) smile.

My mum's best friends (which I inherited) below.

Most of them lived in a pram in the entrance hall which was jam-packed with furniture.

It wasn't the best greeting for strangers (or anyone).

My old neighbour was a hoarder. He was a gentle old Scotsman, he lived to travel to unusual places and he woukd tell me about his most recent adventure over the hedge in his garden. When he passed away it took a couple of weeks for the clearance people to empty his house and there was things piled up in every room, you could only crawl through the hall and some rooms upstairs. It’s very sad. 

I understand Roy, I've had therapists get really confused and ask me why when I tell them of the stuff that used to happen when I was a child.

It's OK to say you can't cope with being a carer, especially not to someone who has been and is continuing to be abusive. She sounds as though she will need more professional care soon anyway, do you think she's dementing on top of the other things?

My grandparents were I think unintentional hoarders, being brought up during WW1, then surviving the depression in the 30's and WW2 and the rationing afterwards I think that generation were reluctant throw away anything "that might come in handy one day". They had a huge three story Victorian semi that they'd lived with my gr grandparents in all their married lives, so there was a lot of stuff, including 30 bin bags of plastic flowers and enough "sensible brown paper bags" to stock a shop.

I've just sorted out one shelf of the linen cupboard at the top of the stairs and I have more bags of table cloths, napkins, old sheets and stuff than I know what to do with, much of it's to good to throw away or take to the tip for rags, but I dont' want it. I've tried one charity and they don't want it, I dread being chased down the street again with a bag of just donated items because they dont' want them, don't take them or whatever. I'm going to try the local cat charity next see if they want them for bedding?

One bit of good news, I took 3 bags of books to the cahrity table in tesco last week, they'd all gone within 2 days. A lot of charity shops won't take books now as they say nobody wants them, I think they can't be bothered and don't make enough money from them.

Does anyone else live with a hoarder?

Yes Roy myself, and (writing this quietly ) my wife and family too.  Even the dogs seem to accumulate tennis balls!

Venting is better than exploding in my opinion, so I say go for it!

Best wishes

I have a similar issue. My mother is also a hoarder also a large house completely full of stuff to the extent that there is nowhere to sit down. I now find it too overwhelming to visit her. Piles of books and artworks and stuff. I find it difficult to even speak to her these days she will usually just rant at me about how terrible her life is with no space for me to speak. After years of therapy many therapists have said that they think she is narcissistic and have suggested that I avoid her or see her as little as possible but I feel really guilty about not calling her or going to see her. When I do it often takes me days to get over the anxiety it causes. One day I will also probably inherit it all and it will likely be a massive headache. It seems very unfair. 

Virtual hug back. 

Roy said:

I hope I haven’t caused old trauma to resurface, people think that at our age we should just get  over it.  We know different.

It's always bubbling under the surface and you don't get over it.

I suspect we could both be diagnosed with PTSD.

Virtual hug (which is much better than a real one)

I meant that I don’t want to be a carer, I couldn’t do it. I could write a book of my life but nobody would believe it. I haven’t told you of the day my father ran my mother over with the car! He didn’t get charged as by the time we explained to the police about what his life had been like, they felt sorry for him. Maybe that’s for another day.

I hope I haven’t caused old trauma to resurface, people think that at our age we should just get  over it.  We know different.

Roy said:

I think what is really upsetting me is an autistic child was dealing with it all, no help or guidance. I haven’t quite processed that yet.

I was shaking after typing my message.

Me too.

Roy said:

my fear is her falling and then full time care being needed

My friend's mother recently passed away.

He and his sister ought to have inherited hundreds of thousands of pounds but it was all used up by the care home.

Hi, I’m sorry you hurt yourself, it’s annoying as it’s totally avoidable, I most probably sound mercenary but my fear is her falling and then full time care being needed. I’m going to look in the garage as the banister is stored there, don’t even ask!

We have spoken before about childhood trauma and I agree it leaves scars. I spoke about it at my assessment, the assessors looked quite shocked, I was asked if I had ever thought about therapy? I just replied that it was the 1970’s, It was a different time, I thought other peoples lives must have been the same, we never mixed so I knew nothing.

I’m sure you can relate to the mind games and general neglect.

I think what is really upsetting me is an autistic child was dealing with it all, no help or guidance. I haven’t quite processed that yet.

My mother is 80, when the time does come, I was thinking of a house clearance company.

Hi Roy.

I wanted to add a little to your thread as you are struggling, but just thinking about my mother and her hoarding makes me panic, so I haven't read anything other than the O/P.

Roy said:

I think my mother is autistic, is this hoarding a trait?

It may well be.

I had a genetics test and I have a hoarding gene.

However, I believe that I have undiagnosed trauma from my mother + OCD so these 2 things combined make me very careful with everything.

Chaos reminds me of my young life living at 'home' (which it never felt like).

Just visiting my mother in later years, which I had to do 3 times a day for caring, made me very stressed as it was a trigger, on top of which was anxiety about her safety and her hostility.

In the end a fall was the reason she went into hospital, and I washed my hands of the whole situation - I basically had a bit of a breakdown.

That forced her into a care home.

My sister and adult nephew now live together and their house is similar to my mother's.

When I visited my sister after a recent stroke I fell down the stairs and severely strained my ankle because I slipped on one of the many objects on the stairs.

When my mother went into hospital and I was finally able to access her sofa, there was a mouse nest on it next to where she sat all day and night (she wouldn't use a bed).

She would get intensely stressed and angry if I tried to tidy or clean.

When she passed away I managed to clear one room but found it so stressful and unhealthy with all the dust and dirt, and the objects so overwhelming, I paid several thousand pounds from the estate to have it cleared.

Thinking of you.

I’ve recently gone through my wardrobe,( no not to Narnia) there were clothes that I hadn’t worn for years so they are now gone. I think a rule of 2 years is reasonable.

This all started about 10 years ago, after the death of my father. My mother keeps paperwork as well, she has conspiracy theories about everything.

I have a rule with keeping anything set a reasonable time. Limit and after that get rid it works very well and I will be ruthless about it