Does anyone else live with a hoarder?

Hi Roy.

I wanted to add a little to your thread as you are struggling, but just thinking about my mother and her hoarding makes me panic, so I haven't read anything other than the O/P.

Roy said:

I think my mother is autistic, is this hoarding a trait?

It may well be.

I had a genetics test and I have a hoarding gene.

However, I believe that I have undiagnosed trauma from my mother + OCD so these 2 things combined make me very careful with everything.

Chaos reminds me of my young life living at 'home' (which it never felt like).

Just visiting my mother in later years, which I had to do 3 times a day for caring, made me very stressed as it was a trigger, on top of which was anxiety about her safety and her hostility.

In the end a fall was the reason she went into hospital, and I washed my hands of the whole situation - I basically had a bit of a breakdown.

That forced her into a care home.

My sister and adult nephew now live together and their house is similar to my mother's.

When I visited my sister after a recent stroke I fell down the stairs and severely strained my ankle because I slipped on one of the many objects on the stairs.

When my mother went into hospital and I was finally able to access her sofa, there was a mouse nest on it next to where she sat all day and night (she wouldn't use a bed).

She would get intensely stressed and angry if I tried to tidy or clean.

When she passed away I managed to clear one room but found it so stressful and unhealthy with all the dust and dirt, and the objects so overwhelming, I paid several thousand pounds from the estate to have it cleared.

Thinking of you.

Hi, I’m sorry you hurt yourself, it’s annoying as it’s totally avoidable, I most probably sound mercenary but my fear is her falling and then full time care being needed. I’m going to look in the garage as the banister is stored there, don’t even ask!

We have spoken before about childhood trauma and I agree it leaves scars. I spoke about it at my assessment, the assessors looked quite shocked, I was asked if I had ever thought about therapy? I just replied that it was the 1970’s, It was a different time, I thought other peoples lives must have been the same, we never mixed so I knew nothing.

I’m sure you can relate to the mind games and general neglect.

I think what is really upsetting me is an autistic child was dealing with it all, no help or guidance. I haven’t quite processed that yet.

My mother is 80, when the time does come, I was thinking of a house clearance company.

Roy said:

I think what is really upsetting me is an autistic child was dealing with it all, no help or guidance. I haven’t quite processed that yet.

I was shaking after typing my message.

Me too.

Roy said:

my fear is her falling and then full time care being needed

My friend's mother recently passed away.

He and his sister ought to have inherited hundreds of thousands of pounds but it was all used up by the care home.

I wonder if theres a scrap cloth merchant around here, I know I could take it to the tip and they'd sell it as rags.

We've got those continers too, many of them go to a certain charity I wouldn't give the steam off my p1ss too.

TheCatWoman said:

I think that generation were reluctant throw away anything "that might come in handy

That’s a lot of it, the make do and mend era. With textiles, we have charitable metal containers at our supermarket, it’s better than landfill.

Scrap cloth and textile prices average around £172.50 to £255 per tonne in the UK, 

I also have loads of books, our local hospital has a scanner appeal book shop. I slowly filter the books to them.

My wife has recently made some quite threats if I don’t seek counselling, I just don’t trust anyone, I feel they would only be listening because they are being paid.

I understand Roy, I've had therapists get really confused and ask me why when I tell them of the stuff that used to happen when I was a child.

It's OK to say you can't cope with being a carer, especially not to someone who has been and is continuing to be abusive. She sounds as though she will need more professional care soon anyway, do you think she's dementing on top of the other things?

My grandparents were I think unintentional hoarders, being brought up during WW1, then surviving the depression in the 30's and WW2 and the rationing afterwards I think that generation were reluctant throw away anything "that might come in handy one day". They had a huge three story Victorian semi that they'd lived with my gr grandparents in all their married lives, so there was a lot of stuff, including 30 bin bags of plastic flowers and enough "sensible brown paper bags" to stock a shop.

I've just sorted out one shelf of the linen cupboard at the top of the stairs and I have more bags of table cloths, napkins, old sheets and stuff than I know what to do with, much of it's to good to throw away or take to the tip for rags, but I dont' want it. I've tried one charity and they don't want it, I dread being chased down the street again with a bag of just donated items because they dont' want them, don't take them or whatever. I'm going to try the local cat charity next see if they want them for bedding?

One bit of good news, I took 3 bags of books to the cahrity table in tesco last week, they'd all gone within 2 days. A lot of charity shops won't take books now as they say nobody wants them, I think they can't be bothered and don't make enough money from them.

I understand Roy, I've had therapists get really confused and ask me why when I tell them of the stuff that used to happen when I was a child.

It's OK to say you can't cope with being a carer, especially not to someone who has been and is continuing to be abusive. She sounds as though she will need more professional care soon anyway, do you think she's dementing on top of the other things?

My grandparents were I think unintentional hoarders, being brought up during WW1, then surviving the depression in the 30's and WW2 and the rationing afterwards I think that generation were reluctant throw away anything "that might come in handy one day". They had a huge three story Victorian semi that they'd lived with my gr grandparents in all their married lives, so there was a lot of stuff, including 30 bin bags of plastic flowers and enough "sensible brown paper bags" to stock a shop.

I've just sorted out one shelf of the linen cupboard at the top of the stairs and I have more bags of table cloths, napkins, old sheets and stuff than I know what to do with, much of it's to good to throw away or take to the tip for rags, but I dont' want it. I've tried one charity and they don't want it, I dread being chased down the street again with a bag of just donated items because they dont' want them, don't take them or whatever. I'm going to try the local cat charity next see if they want them for bedding?

One bit of good news, I took 3 bags of books to the cahrity table in tesco last week, they'd all gone within 2 days. A lot of charity shops won't take books now as they say nobody wants them, I think they can't be bothered and don't make enough money from them.

I wonder if theres a scrap cloth merchant around here, I know I could take it to the tip and they'd sell it as rags.

We've got those continers too, many of them go to a certain charity I wouldn't give the steam off my p1ss too.

TheCatWoman said:

I think that generation were reluctant throw away anything "that might come in handy

That’s a lot of it, the make do and mend era. With textiles, we have charitable metal containers at our supermarket, it’s better than landfill.

Scrap cloth and textile prices average around £172.50 to £255 per tonne in the UK, 

I also have loads of books, our local hospital has a scanner appeal book shop. I slowly filter the books to them.

My wife has recently made some quite threats if I don’t seek counselling, I just don’t trust anyone, I feel they would only be listening because they are being paid.