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Burnout, Feelings and recovery

googlefox

Hi,  I have a diagnosis of Audhd.  I have known for a while that I had ADHD but have only recently come to understand that Autism is also part of the mix that is me.  This question relates to an ex partner:  Can anyone here help me understand how autistic burnout affects feelings and emotions?  Has anyone here ended a relationship during burnout because they did not have the capacity to be in a relationship and then find that they recovered and their capacity and feelings returned?  Or is it more likely that the burnout its self leads to a permanent shift in capacity and what is needed and so the reduced ability to emotionally connect is more likely to be permanent.  I am asking this because I am trying to understand and support someone that I care very deeply for.  If anyone is able to share their views or experience I would be very grateful,  Thank you.

  • Hi @googlefox
    I might be answering your post a bit differently as my own recent experiences of burnout have not resulted in ending a relationship, but they certainly put those relationships under an enormous amount of strain.
    The personal suffering of burnout is incredibly hard to endure, and it is equally hard to watch and support someone through. I often think of it like lifeguarding: people who save drowning people have to be very careful that the person doesn't unintentionally strike out and drag them under too.
    Additionally, when I am in the depths of burnout, I often realise I am causing inadvertent collateral suffering to the people around me. Pushing someone away can sometimes be a protective mechanism to avoid hurting them further—even though that rejection is deeply painful in itself.
    To answer your question about whether the reduced ability to emotionally connect is permanent: speaking personally, no. During my burnout, I transiently experienced what is called alexithymia—it felt like the emotional processing pathways in my brain completely shut down to conserve energy. However, as I recovered, these pathways gradually re-opened. Capacity and feelings can return, but the timeline is different for everyone.
    One thing to be mindful of is the "ex-partner" dynamic. Receiving intense emotional support from an ex can be a difficult stumbling block to navigate. If it were me, I might struggle to process whether the support meant a rekindling of the partnership (which the other person might not want or intend), and the mixed signals or lack of clarity could make recovery harder to negotiate.
    It is wonderful that you care so deeply and want to understand. I hope that you can be patient, protect your own boundaries too, and know that the emotional shutdown of burnout is often a temporary survival mode, not a permanent change in who they are.

  • Hi. I’m 43 and recently diagnosed autistic. I am also investigating ciclotimy, a humor disorder. That’s because I have this periods lasting some times weeks when I feel absolutely exhausted. There is no pain, no sadness. Just a bag of nothing. Flat. Since I just made the diagnosis it could be burnout so I’m not sure yet. The thing is; I always broke relationships at this stage. In My longer relationship my boyfriend lived in other cIty so I had lots of time to live this periods. But I never felt like it was a mistaken break up and never regretted it… but also never in my life a manage to have a very stable ou healthy relationship. thanks for sharing your history. 

  • in reply to googlefox

    Hi again, 

    Do keep asking questions on this site. There are so many people with lots of experience of autism here.  Naturally, given the wide range of autism, you will receive similar to very differing answers. However, they are real people with real experience and are usually quite precise in what they say and how they phrase it. 

  • in reply to Oscar

    @Oscar.  Thanks for replying Oscar.  It is good to hear that you recovered from burnout and have gone on to have a lovely relationship which has lasted so long.  Part of my fear is not that i (and i know this was not wise) used AI to try to understand what was going on and it advised that burnout is almost certainly an event that brings a permanent change - i am begining to understand that its not true.  I know it is possible that post burnout, people may have a better understanding and respect for their capacity,  but that is not the change in personality that I had understood and been so upset about. I may re-ask my question in a clearer way as I think there is an underlying ask which is not as clear in my post as it should be.  Thank you again for taking the time to reach out and reply.  

  • in reply to M

      Thanks M - I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.  My situation is complicated too.  My ex is a truly wonderful person,  and i cannot imagine my life without him in it.  However,  I am starting  to realise that letting go is probably the best thing for us both - despite that doing so will goes against everything i feel.   Thank you again for taking the time to reply.  Be kind and gentle with yourself always, burnout is a very difficult thing to see anyone go through,  but being on the outside looking in, is, I feel, nothing to the difficulty of being in the eye of the storm that experiencing it is.  

  • Hi, 

    I am in my 70s and male and have had several autistic burnouts over the years. One very deep burnout, led, I think to me ultimately divorcing my ex. who effectively had abandoned our family. I do feel my burnouts were temporary as they were always triggered by something. Obviously every event is life changing but I don't feel burnouts changed me permanently. My current relationship is 25+ years old and I have had some burnouts during this time. I never really wanted help with burnouts just peace and practical support to help me to the light again. 

       

  • in reply to googlefox

    Hi sorry I just saw this. I am not sure I can answer that simply. It’s complicated. I can spend time alone, I may get lonely and bored but I am ok. I miss my ex and I want to see her and hang out together and chat and when we see each other it is usually nice but we inevitably end up discussing where things went wrong and what we both needed and didn’t get. And we are both equally stubborn and set in our ways. We revert to familiar recognisable patterns. It is emotional and difficult and exhausting and I often find it takes quite a while to recover. Yes they are feelings of love and care but also feelings of frustration and hurt. I don’t think it is my relationship that led to burn out possibly the end of it, I think it was a combination of several things all at once. I am still trying to figure it out and I certainly don’t have the answers. But I can empathise. 

  • in reply to M

    Hi M,  Thank you so much for replying and sharing. I know how hard it can be to get a diagnosis - i had to pay for both of my assessments but it has helped me to make sense of who I am and why I have never felt quite in the same place as others.  Can I ask you what you mean by 'the same feelings come up when I see her'?  I am asking so that I fully understand.  I will understand if you do not want to reply because it may be too personal,  but i am wondering if the same feelings are those of care and love or was your relationship part of what lead to your burnout and what you feel is the fear of relapse?  I hope you are kind to yourself and that you are taking care to get what you need to recover.  Thank you again and take care.

  • Hi 

    I am afraid I don’t have a solution for you but I can certainly empathise with your situation. It sounds like I have been through something similar.  After a 20 years together my separation from my partner coincided with a prolonged period of anxiety, depression and burn out. This also coincided with starting to pursue an autism diagnosis. That was two years ago now. I still haven’t gotten a diagnosis. But my ex and I have remained close friends. However I still find the same feelings come up when I see her and this can leave me feeling emotionally drained for days after. I don’t feel like I have recovered from burnout. I also wonder if I will ever meet anyone else- while i sometimes think it would be nice I am not sure I am up for it. In fact I look back at my life and wonder if this burnout hasn’t been a more frequently reoccurring experience than I had previously realised. I am not sure how much dwelling on it helps. I find it more helpful to engage in things I enjoy and try to be kind to myself. 

  • Hi Googlefox, 

    I am glad to hear you have received both your diagnosis's. I am sorry to hear about your recent experiences of autistic burnout.

    Whilst we wait for members of the community to respond, I want to direct you to our webpage on Autistic Fatigue and Burnout, in case it may be helpful. 

    Best wishes, 

    Alice Mod