Living an authentic life. Who must bear the cost?

He was controlling, he hit me once in front of my children! I hit him back without really thinking about it, I just reacted and stared him down. My ex husband didn't really want to talk about it and then denied it ever happened, especially after the bruise faded.

I only attend things I want to attend. I have learned to space out my social events so I get plenty of rest inbetween. I fully understand the Christmas stress. I find it very hard, and don’t really have the answer to it except withdraw into myself as much as possible. 

That's weird that he didn't want you to wear green because he doesn't like it. Sounds controlling!

I just flat out refused to attend gatherings like that anymore, I have social phobia and I tell people about it when I'm invited to gatherings. I'm lucky, my extended family are a fairly neurodiverse bunch and theres no pressure to do anything much and they all come here anyway which I find more manageable as I can hide in the kitchen and cook or they will be hiding in the kitchen cooking. Another reason I don't enjoy socialising is that I don't drink alcohol and most people do and drunk people are really boring to be around, I have a lot of allergies and food intollerances too which are a double edged sword, on the one hand they provide an excellent excuse for not socialising and on the other it means that I never eat out, not even takeaways which is a pain in the bum.

I agree that most NT's woouldn't last a minute in our shoes, but we're expected to live our lifetimes in thiers and it is really unfair. Have you tried telling them how you feel and did/do you feel heard? I'm intrested as I pretty much fell out with my ex husbands entire family because I wouldn't go to family events, especially weddings, I hate weddings, they make me feel physically sick to the point where I can't watch tv programes about them or stand listening to people tak about them. I didn't particulalry like my ex in laws which made it easier, I didn't like the way that if one family member did something they all had to do  it too, which I found weird, there was a lot of pressure to conform to thier norms, like not wearing green around my ex father in law as he didnt like it and it's my favourite colour. 

I have a small family and they are mostly far away, I tend to their birthdays etc. and my wife tends to her, larger, family. After I was diagnosed 5 years ago I excused myself from all my wife's family get-togethers, I turn up for Christenings, weddings and funerals and that is all. My wife and children understand and I am not really all that concerned about anyone else's opinion.

I often don't go with my partner to visit his family - even at special occasions like Christmas. I use the reason that I need to stay home to look after the guinea pig.

I find it hard being there because his mum smokes in the house which makes my clothes and hair smell. Also she likes leaving doors open and I like them closed so being there makes me feel anxious. Plus the social aspects.

If I do go I just stay for one or two nights rather than staying for several days (like my husband does). I enjoy spending the time at home alone. 

Can you visit just for a limited time (like one day) and use an excuse about why you need to get back - such as you're feeling under the weather?

Hi SpiffyVoxel thanks for reading. Yes I think cards need to be on the table and I need to try and find the energy for that one. I like your suggestion of telling that they are helping me to recover. There’s a couple of narrow minded people though who won’t get it whatever I say, and it’s conforming to them that’s the hardest 

Hi Iain thanks for taking the time to reply.

Yes deep down I think you’re right but I just keep fighting it. Like why can’t you all live like me instead of the other way around? Like why do all the expectations have to be on me? Anyway rhetorical questions. Thanks again :)

Hi Lonehare12 thanks for replying and reading my problems. It’s good to know I’m not the only one and also yes, I’m also trying to carve out a life that I can tolerate I guess is the only word.

I have felt guilt in the past but I think I’m beyond that now and resentment has kicked in. Thankyou :)

Hiforget_me_not48 

Yes, I can really relate to what you’ve written. I’ve been living through something similar myself and I’m trying to carve out a life that feels more sustainable.

Can I ask whether your close family know about your diagnosis? If they do, do they understand your need for solitude and time to recharge?

Personally, I think your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

I probably wouldn’t have said that a couple of years ago because I always put other people’s needs before my own. I’m slowly learning that there’s another way. It still brings feelings of guilt sometimes, but I’m finding that the peace and contentment that come from respecting my own limits are worth it.

I hope you’re able to have some honest conversations with your family and gradually find a way of doing things that works for everyone, including you. You deserve a life that isn’t constantly leaving you exhausted.

Wishing you all the best. 

forget_me_not48 said:

So who must pay the cost? Me? Do I continue having to pay the cost for the rest of my days by complying with their needs that I must socialise and do normal things?

My opinion is that if you want to maintain your current relationship with you partner and a resemblance of your lifestyle then you will have to pay the cost. It is a decision you must make and therefore you pay for your decisions.

If you think about what the future could look like it makes a little more sense. 

Consider if you withdraw from society and live a hermit like existence with your partner and dog - how will this affect your partner. Do they take pleasure from the social / familial interactions? If so you will either be taking these away from them or leaving them to deal with everything alone. I would suggest talking to them in depth about this as it often means any difficult interactions (eg conflict, illness, others in need etc) are things they will have to deal with all on their own and this is not fair on them.

Perhaps agreeing with your partner a better balance of fewer social / familial interactions is a healthier balance where you have more opportunity to recover from what sounds like burnout.

I get where you are coming from though, but remember that you will always be responsible for your own decisions and will pay the price one way or another in the end, so finding the right sort of decision to make will be important.

This is all just the opinion of some random person from the internet so don't place too much value on it.

I can totally relate. Thankfully, I don't have much extended family close by, and my immediate family are considerate of my ability to cope with noisy environments and lots of socialising.

My suggestion would be to explain to your partner and your family that you have limited energy left over for social engagements, and perhaps try to reach an agreement to only do them occasionally and for shorter lengths of time. That way they're helping you to recover from the stress of work.