Living an authentic life. Who must bear the cost?

What you are describing here is very much like my ex husbands family.  He had a constant need to be out, drinking, socialising, partying, or just sitting in the pub talking.  His family were like that too, there was always something that we needed to attend and it was exhausting.  It all felt fake.  The hugging, the kissing, the small talk,  the showing off , the pretence.

He was also an extremely violent man with narcissistic traits and the abuse was why I left.  But I have always felt that the relationship would have ended anyway, it would have just taken longer had I not needed to gather my kids and run.

I am certain that I would have eventually needed to escape the circus.  The constant demand that I live in a world where I am not comfortable, around people that I had no interest in, and very little respect for, would have worn me down eventually. 

Your partner is who they are, you are who you are. I remember someone asking me if I wanted to wake up ten years from now and still be dealing with things as they are - and the answer was a resounding no. 

I was in my early thirties and undiagnosed at the time. Looking back and realising that I was Autistic makes me even more certain that I would have left him, his behaviour just pushed me to do it sooner.

Hi SpiffyVoxel thanks for reading. Yes I think cards need to be on the table and I need to try and find the energy for that one. I like your suggestion of telling that they are helping me to recover. There’s a couple of narrow minded people though who won’t get it whatever I say, and it’s conforming to them that’s the hardest 

Hi Iain thanks for taking the time to reply.

Yes deep down I think you’re right but I just keep fighting it. Like why can’t you all live like me instead of the other way around? Like why do all the expectations have to be on me? Anyway rhetorical questions. Thanks again :)

Hi Lonehare12 thanks for replying and reading my problems. It’s good to know I’m not the only one and also yes, I’m also trying to carve out a life that I can tolerate I guess is the only word.

I have felt guilt in the past but I think I’m beyond that now and resentment has kicked in. Thankyou :)

Hiforget_me_not48 

Yes, I can really relate to what you’ve written. I’ve been living through something similar myself and I’m trying to carve out a life that feels more sustainable.

Can I ask whether your close family know about your diagnosis? If they do, do they understand your need for solitude and time to recharge?

Personally, I think your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

I probably wouldn’t have said that a couple of years ago because I always put other people’s needs before my own. I’m slowly learning that there’s another way. It still brings feelings of guilt sometimes, but I’m finding that the peace and contentment that come from respecting my own limits are worth it.

I hope you’re able to have some honest conversations with your family and gradually find a way of doing things that works for everyone, including you. You deserve a life that isn’t constantly leaving you exhausted.

Wishing you all the best. 

forget_me_not48 said:

So who must pay the cost? Me? Do I continue having to pay the cost for the rest of my days by complying with their needs that I must socialise and do normal things?

My opinion is that if you want to maintain your current relationship with you partner and a resemblance of your lifestyle then you will have to pay the cost. It is a decision you must make and therefore you pay for your decisions.

If you think about what the future could look like it makes a little more sense. 

Consider if you withdraw from society and live a hermit like existence with your partner and dog - how will this affect your partner. Do they take pleasure from the social / familial interactions? If so you will either be taking these away from them or leaving them to deal with everything alone. I would suggest talking to them in depth about this as it often means any difficult interactions (eg conflict, illness, others in need etc) are things they will have to deal with all on their own and this is not fair on them.

Perhaps agreeing with your partner a better balance of fewer social / familial interactions is a healthier balance where you have more opportunity to recover from what sounds like burnout.

I get where you are coming from though, but remember that you will always be responsible for your own decisions and will pay the price one way or another in the end, so finding the right sort of decision to make will be important.

This is all just the opinion of some random person from the internet so don't place too much value on it.

I can totally relate. Thankfully, I don't have much extended family close by, and my immediate family are considerate of my ability to cope with noisy environments and lots of socialising.

My suggestion would be to explain to your partner and your family that you have limited energy left over for social engagements, and perhaps try to reach an agreement to only do them occasionally and for shorter lengths of time. That way they're helping you to recover from the stress of work.