I have run out of steam, kaput, exhausted, and depleted of having to confirm to neurotypical ways of being. Approaching my 50’s, I would like to live a life of solitude with my partner and dog.
However, the pressure to attend constant gatherings is not sustainable. It’s the time of year also where I start dreading Christmas. Feel sick and anxious just thinking about it. Had enough of the constant background pressure I can’t take anymore.
My problem and I don’t say it lightly…my problem is my family and partners family. Lots of people with lots of birthday and events that I must attend otherwise people will be hurt and confused.
But I don’t want to. ever again.
Its that simple.
Unless of course they would all like to do things I enjoy, for example sitting in silence, discussing characters and scenes out of favorite books. We don’t hug each other or make eye contact or talk about the weather or the soaps on TV. But of course they won’t do that.
So who must pay the cost? Me? Do I continue having to pay the cost for the rest of my days by complying with their needs that I must socialise and do normal things? I work full time in a stressful job so 100% plus more of my energy goes into that, I’ve nothing left evenings and weekends.
So who must pay the cost and which is harder? Their hurt feelings and my partners hurt feelings becuase I can’t tolerate group settings for any length of time, or the cost to me of conforming?
I believe that if neurotypical people had to spend even an hour in our shoes they wouldn’t last a minute, has anyone ever pondered this before?
Is anyone else in this situation or does anyone understand me? 
Thanks for reading, feeling so misunderstood at the minute can you relate?
