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Help pls

outraged

So, my mother needs major surgery, the removal of a kidney due to a large tumour. She has, to date been in hospital for ten days. I find hospitals difficult for both sensory and social anxiety reasons. I have visited three times for about an hour on each occasion. My sister-in-law, whom I despise and who has nothing but contempt for me, believes this to be markedly insufficient and has been discussing my visiting negatively with others. This has been reducing my ability to a, go to the hospital and b, go/do any other necessary thing (such as shopping, I now have no food) as anytime I am able to go out I am confronted by the necessity of visiting the hospital. I recieve phone calls from relatives I've never met berating me for not visiting enough. Im doing what I can. What do I do?

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    "as well as can be expected" doesn't really have a straightforward black and white translation. Perhaps that's an ASD problem: Looking for a direct answer when it's a vague, shade of grey phrase. Even if you found someone who had the same operation they would feel different afterwards.

    Sorry if this doesn't help much. Perhaps it would help if you asked some simple questions such ad "does it hurt much?"

  • The kidney is out, and she says she feels "as well as can be expected"...I could take a range of meanings from this statement. I'm currently operateing under the assumption that she meant "its quite painful, but im managing the pain" Can someone who speaks good NT check my translation?

  • NAS18906 said:

    She will not be feeling very good. She will also be worried about the tumour and whether she will need further treatment. The hospital should be able to manage any pain as they will be used to dealing with people in your mum's position and there are plenty of different pain killers for different needs.

    All speculations that had occured to me; I was looking for a direct translation of the phrase if possible...

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    She will not be feeling very good. She will also be worried about the tumour and whether she will need further treatment. The hospital should be able to manage any pain as they will be used to dealing with people in your mum's position and there are plenty of different pain killers for different needs.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    In which case you are doing really well. I don't think your rels have anything to complain about.

    Have you discussed the situation with your brother? Can anyone give you a lift to the hospital? Can you share the visiting with him so that someone goes every day but you perhaps take turns? Are there any volunteer drivers connected to the hospital who can help in cases of need like this?

    I wish you and your mother all the best and hope she is getting the best care

    :-)

  • I'm currently going every other day, but the taxi fare is beginning to strain my budget

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Outraged, I hope that you can dig deep and make a massive effort to visit as much as possible. I found that it got easier each time and I was glad to have managed to overcome my phobia of such places. Focus on your mother and her needs.

  • I do not think that they constantly examine and evaluate their behaviour as we do. They are certain they are right and justified. They often have no ethical baseline.

    On a practical level I hope that your mother has already made a will and so will not be prey to  those who want to grab her worldly goods.

  • It turns out that theyre manouvreing for position in an inheritance brawl. Get this: I got a lift and some support to the hospital today. Mother was disoriented from painkillers...and had been persuaded to sell her house and move in w a relative. Seriously, who talks to people about major finacial descisions when that person is under the effect of medical narcotics. Somedays I wonder if the defining carachteristic of the NT is that the area of the brain responsible for social triviality overgrows and engulfs (like a tumour) the parts responsible for ethical judgement...

    but seriously, do NTs not observe their own behavour? 

  • This seems to be universal NT behaviour. The relatives berating you....how often have they visited? Its a form of blame transfer, picking on you to cover their own shortfalls.

    As long as someone goes everyday - it doesn't have to be a family gathering each time, and pity the poor patent, your mother, overwhelmed with more visitors perhaps than she gets in an ordinary week. You've been on average 1 hour every three days.  So who, to the best of your knowledge, has gone more often. And are they going there for your mother's benefit or to score off each other?

    A couple of phone messages as suggested by Yorkshitrelass, and make sure she gets flowers or if allowed - chocolates, sweets to suck to pass the time. Maybe phone and ask her if there is anything you can bring in for her.

    Hospitals are grim from a spectrum point of view, crowded, noisy, strange smells, strange sounds. Reminds me i'd offered to go on a working group to cover autism at my local hospital, so need to chase up, as its two weeks since and no further contact - it is important the autism perspective is conveyed to staff.